.... those moments....

when you feel artistic and romantic and like writing, but there are no words that seem to work...
when the sound of Amy Lee and Evanescence and the piano caressing your ears is all that appeals to your sense of hearing...
and when a soft blanket, and yesterday's makeup, and hair down, and black t-shirts, with black comfy pants, and your favorite knit sweater make you feel beautiful...
when a journal and a pen are more natural than sleep or breathing even though you have absolutely nothing of value to say...
where there is too much and too little at the same time and words just don't cut it but somehow the song writers make millions and you just sit stuck...
when you are thinking about too many things and nothing at all and you can't grasp a single thought to create something of coherent intelligence...
when giggles and laughter and tears and pain and joy and sorrow and prayers and rants and promises and lies and hurt and abuse and release and rescue and beauty and truth and authenticity and God and faith and desire are all just a little too much and only the surface of your thoughts...
when sleep is not good enough but staying up no longer helps and fatigue sets in, but in less than two hours, insomnia fights...
when one plus one no longer equals two...

There are so many words and lyrics and phrases and verses and the words are running through my mind so fast with the letters jumbled and in various sizes of print and fonts and colors and meanings and emotions and places and sounds and smells and memories and ideas and thoughts.

And my brain is overloaded and my stupid idealistic romantic side wants to write it all out, but the problem is that you can't make sense of nonsensical musings and poetry doesn't form from nothing but from something... a single thought or feeling that you can finally grasp a-hold of and cling to and get to obey long enough to create something simple and beautiful. But I can't grab hold of any of them... they move too quickly and there are too many and using most of them would be plagiarism anyway. You can't take other people's lines... they are for sharing but not for using. Like reusing an engagement ring, it is just wrong on the inside.


And the friend sits crying and I don't have any words for her, so I just type "listening" so that she knows that I am still there and I sit and do exactly that because I can't do anything else. Trapped by the words floating all over space in my mind's eye and the pain that she conveys and the lack of ability to express my own thoughtful ideas and whatever small encouragement that I may have.


You understand... they want what God wants. They want to mend. They want to not be broken. But being broken is good because it means growing and growing is good because it is what God wants. But it hurts and no one ever wants to hurt. And the words just don't come... not even a verse.

There are never enough words. And sometimes, there are too many.




Silence...

So dense...


I just had the thought that in a world where we demand for everything to be instant and at our fingertips... you would think that a faith that provides total, complete, and instant forgiveness of sin and immediate promise of eternity in Heaven with God - well, it sounds like it should be right up our alley? Right... ? I guess I don't really understand why we are so blind to the only instant thing that can actually satisfy...

Because it is work? After the promise, you realize "oh crap! This requires my life to change...damn." But hello, sunshine, guess what? Something that I have been long in learning... that change is for our better. For my better. Dear one, why are you so lazy? Do you really have nothing better to do with your time? Allow the One who rescued you to help you to grow.

He promised you eternity. Can you not offer Him even this one night? Think about it, love.

I love the words to this song - All That I Can Say, by David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


I often feel that way... that I really don't have much to say except that I need You. I need Your arms and I need Your help and I need to see You and feel You and know You are there. And I need to see past me. Usually, seeing past me is the biggest problem. How on earth do I get so big... take up so much space, that I can't see beyond me, myself, and I? That what You are just kind of disappears... until You sit me down and show me something far bigger... far greater... and far more worthy of attention. And then... I end up consumed by how small I am... again, coming back to me. Notice the pattern here? Feeling a little tired of it.

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

but...

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


You are worthy. Teach me to pay attention. And all of those little needs end up taken care of naturally when I sit and listen to Your Word wash over, cleaning my head, my hands, and my heart.

What does it mean to be authentic? To be real? Candid, honest, open... What does it mean to have integrity? How closely connected are these concepts - to be authentic and to have integrity?
In my mind, it has always been that you cannot have one without the other.

I have a lot of experience with masks. I spent a huge part of my life wearing them - all painted perfectly to show the face that my superiors or peers wanted to see. I tried to please everyone. I tried to hide behind the masks and show a smile at all times because I knew that no one likes to see the tears or the snot on your face or the vomit in the toliet or hear the cries in the night. No one enjoys that stuff... so why show it? Seriously, why show what breaks my heart when no one really needs to know anyway? They can't fix it. Right?

But then... well, something big happened. SOMEONE happened, actually. Someone who taught me that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be sick, to hurt, to cry, to scream, to have a mess. To be a mess. It is ok to ask for help. And it is ok to show those parts of yourself. The trick, is allowing the ones who see the reality to also be there for you - helping you gain the strength, the courage to step out of that reality into what God has for you... into something that is somehow, less broken, less painful, and less messy... until gradually, you look around the now clean room and wonder what the hell happened to all the stuff you had tossed about or carefully stored away. It is all swept out, packed up, dumped in the trash, and new things are in their place... and you realize, damn, this is so much better... why didn't I go to Him before?

He taught me that it is ok to not be alright and it is ok to hurt and it is ok to talk about it and to show people. And that as long as the people I am showing are solidly built on His foundation, they will be able to help me through. And love. And discipline. And care enough to dig deeper and be the body that pulls you out of that muck and quick sand.

It is ok to not be ok. It is not ok to stay that way. And it is not ok to hide behind your mask saying it is all fine when your eyes betray your lies. It is not ok to pretend away the pain of life and push aside the brothers and sisters who care enough to reach out and listen.

I was drawn to LeTourneau because for the first time in my life, when someone asked me how I was doing, they stopped. They turned. And they looked me in the eye and they listened. I froze. I did not know how to respond. What? You mean... you want an answer to that question? You must be joking. No one actually wants to know how you are. They just ask to be polite. At least in my world. Until that point. I learned something new there... I learned to only ask if I mean it. And I learned to expect a candid response... something real - where the eyes and the actions and the words all line up to convey reality and not a story.

I am tired of masquerade balls. I am tired of pretty faces. I am tired of smiles that only reach halfway. I am ready to meet some eyes. Ready to see some hearts. And ready to share mine...

Something Lighter...

Some music for you... These songs were given to me recently (or not so recently...) or I found, and I am falling in love with each of them. The first is the newest - got it last night from Doug.The last five are from my two favorite bands. I love the lyrics and the sound of each of these... Enjoy. :)

What Do I Know Of Holy? - Addison Road

Changed By You - Between the Trees

Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

Take Me In - Kutless

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

The Last Night - Skillet

Those Nights - Skillet

Yours To Hold - Skillet

Caroline - Seventh Day Slumber

Every Saturday - Seventh Day Slumber

Restore To Me - Keith Green

Sometimes things get stuck in my head. Sometimes I overanalyze. Sometimes God puts it there. Usually, I learn something from the mantra repeating over and over during my waking and sleeping hours in the deep and crazy parts of my mind.

"Restore to me...
The joy of Your salvation...
Don't cast me away from Your presence, O Lord...
Don't take Your Spirit away from me...

Hid Your face from my sin,
from my iniquity...

Restore to me...

Deliver me from this tower of darkness,
from the pain and brokeness,
I will sing of Your lovingkindness,
of Your righteousness.

Restore to me...
the joy of Your salvation.
The wonders of Your love...

Restore to me, restore to me."

I saw two of my friends become my siblings in the last month. They asked Him to give them salvation. And He has... because He is faithful. Always faithful. Watching their hearts change, their lives change... it is beautiful.

Keep them in prayer. They have a lot of growing to do and a lot of brokenness yet to be healed.

The lyrics to this song run over and over in my head as I observe them and their new walks. Their joy is contagious and their peace is amazing. Their excitement makes me excited.

I have that joy. Most of the time. A lot of the time, at least. I still get excited. I still have epiphanies when He teaches me something new. But I don't have it every day anymore. I don't have it all the time. It shows a growth and maturity - moving past the infatuation stage to a real and deep love with Him. But at the same time, I miss it. I miss when I would learn something new in devos or chapel and then run to tell Kate about it or a professor or someone else just because I HAD to tell them. Surely, I was the only one who knew this truth. So SURELY I had to tell everyone else about it. Instantly. Not realizing they learned it already... but... that's ok. My enthusiasm was contagious then as my friends' are now. And it has not been that long for me. Not long at all.

And there is still a lightyear and more left to learn and experience. Bring it on... but give me Your strength.

"You carry me to the table...I'm carried to the table... The table of the Lord..."

These lyrics have been playing on Jamie's overhead sound system the past couple of days and describe beautifully how I keep seeing it play out in my head. I recieved a call late Sunday morning from my dad telling me that my paternal grandmother had a stroke. For those who don't know the background story, my paternal grandfather died of a stroke about 4 years ago. He had the stroke while at a Masonic function. Joined Masonry for me... Not that there is a co-relation there, but in my mind, well, let's just say it was hard to deal. Anyway, I was told to be in prayer and to be ready because I may need to fly out for my grandmother to Ohio. I activated my prayer warriors and we prayed. And kept praying. Recieved a call last night telling me to pack my bags and get out there ASAP. I had this crazy awesome peace.

That kind that comes when you KNOW it will be okay. You KNOW that you are in His hands and you KNOW that only good can come from the situation, because you are in His will and He is in control. It is the deep overwhelming and underlying peace that consumes. The joy that goes beyond being happy. It is beautiful. It is ONLY in Christ.

So, I started praying again. So did everyone else. And throwing clothes all over my bedroom in a vain attempt to start packing. And researching for plane tickets while praying for money to purchase said tickets. God provided all of the above. But... before actually purchasing any tickets or my paperwork going through for approved LOA from work, my dad called yet again. She has made a complete 180 degree turn-around. From life support ready to sitting up, talking, and coherently communicating.

AND... as a blessing or cool reminder for me, God gave me friends who were fantastic through the entire 36 hour ordeal through prayer and listening ears and star-gazing and hugs and offers to help out. Friends in multiple time zones and states all praying over the same issue to the same God. How fantastic is that?!?! Seriously... I LOVE reminders of how crazy He is.

GOD gets all the glory. It is so cool to me - sitting with Jamie, I prayed just that He would do His will and that there would be a miracle. Either God reaches my family with His love through all of this or He heals her body - either way, He would be honored. And He did. All of the above.

So grateful for the One that we serve. Carried to the table. When we can't walk because there is no strength... we are carried there and get to join in on the feast. And this time around, I was served peace.

Team of 49 coming in today - tonight, really. High school age mostly, from what I've heard. Should be a nice distraction and hopefully for them a chance to be blessed and be a blessing... they are headed out to learn more about the LDS and about the people here. Gonna be interesting...

I was off yesterday because I usually get one or two Sundays off a month on a semi-regular basis, and off today as a treat - because I worked the 4th of July and we are supposed to get a paid holiday for it... so they gave me mine a week late. Without my asking! Woot! I love that. Paid to sit here at the cafe and clean and hang out. :) And Tuesday are still a regular day off - so that equals a REAL WEEKEND! :) Woot. Gotta love that.

AND... I got my new cell phone. It is fantastic. Still learning the thing, though. Black ENv2 by Verizon. Same number. All good.

Pray pray pray for my grandmother. Dad's side. She had a stroke yesterday. Still waiting on more details. Just pray for now. (This is the side where my grandfather died of a stroke... ask me for more details.)

There is comfort in Him, in His words, in the night - His night - His cross... His love. And when it seems like it is all chaotic, remembering that night makes it all seem like somehow it can make sense. Friends, family, work, money, ministry - when it all seems like it is out of control or just too much to make sense of - He still and always makes sense. He is love. And that is enough. More than enough.

Beautiful Scandalous Night
Robbie Seay Band

go on up to the mountain of mercy
to the crimson perpetual tide
kneel down on the shore
be thirsty no more
go under and be purified

follow Christ to the Holy mountain
sinner, sorry and wrecked by the fall
cleanse your heart and your soul
in the fountain that flows
for you and for me and for all

Chorus
at the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
on that beautiful scandalous night you and me
were atoned by His blood and forever washed white
on that beautiful scandalous night

on the hillside you will be delivered
at the foot of the cross, justified
and your spirit restored
by the river that pours
from our blessed Saviour's side

- Chorus -

Bridge
you carry the sin of mankind on your back
and the sky went black
go on up to the mountain of mercy
go the crimson perpetual tide
kneel down on the shore
be thirsty no more
go under and be purified

- Chorus (2x) -
on that beautiful scandalous night
beautiful scandalous
miraculous nigh

Pictures coming soon. Promise. It take some doing to put pictures up here because the computers are set up kinda funny... public computers, you know the drill.

For now... close your eyes (figuratively since I would really appreciate if your eyes were open to read).. and imagine with me for awhile. Imagine a swingset and a green lawn like sink-your-toes-in-carpet. Imagine a bright big blue sky, and imagine sunshine on your back - not too hot, not too cool, breeze just right. Imagine running in a field of wildflowers. Imagine being a little girl and twirling in your best twirly dress until you are so dizzy you just want to fall down and throw up but feel so pretty you can't throw up because then you wouldn't be pretty anymore... Imagine that after you have just cried and soaked not one but both pillows and used all the tissues and have finished the hiccups and just feel empty and refreshed and clean, even if still broken. Imagine the indescribable and amazing taste of fresh dark chocolate melting on your tongue, or the perfect cup of hot cocca with mint swirled in, or imagine having all the words that you ever wanted to write all the poetry that makes perfect sense and is pleasing to every part of your senses. Imagine the sheer exhaustion that comes from a day of manual labor and the accomplishment that you feel. Imagine seeing a perfect rose in bloom. Imagine a cool raindrop hitting your sweaty forehead during a freak summer rain. Imagine the brightest flashes of lightning and beautiful thunder pounding out the beat of your heart.

Now... take a step back from your imagination and daydreams. Thank Him.


Just say thank you. Imagine what it would all be if you woke up and didn't know Him. And didn't have those beautiful moments when you feel completely desirable and the world is delectable because HE is all around you, consuming you with His presence and HIS LOVE.

Say Thanks... Just say thanks... And breathe...

We just completed our biggest outreach of the year. Imagine over 10,000 people in one place who all are following a false doctrine and a false god. 10,000 people who are lost and who do not know love. Do not know hope. And do not have peace. Who work every single day to earn that which they cannot and to be saved from what they are fated to endure. 10,000 people who have never gone to sleep at night with the assurance that if the next day did not come, that they would wake up in their Father's Holy and Strong Arms. Now imagine 200 people who DO know peace, who DO know LOVE, and who DO know where they will spend their eternity. Now imagine the interaction between the two.

Mix in some heavy duty Frank Peretti style of warfare going on and intense activity between powers, principalities, and the Almighty One and His Warriors.

You have a pretty good picture of what we dealt with in the last two weeks. And He was faithful. And True. And His Truth withstood the test. As always. As forever.

Mighty, awesome, wonderful.
Is the Holy Cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life.
To lift us from the fall.

Mighty, awesome, wonderful.
Is the Holy Cross.
Where the Lamb lay down His life.
To lift us from the fall.

Mighty is...
The power of...
Mighty is...
The power of...
The Cross.

Thank you, Father. You are ever faithful and ever strong and always True.

I saw things this past week that I really hope stay ingrained on my heart and mind's eye. Not because they were good or right but because they were a picture of reality. Men who did not know and who mocked and jeered and spit and screamed and laughed and pushed and shoved and who blasphemed in their children's ears. Men who bowed, who prayed, who believed, who served, who loved, who sang, who cried. The battles are not against the people but against the darkness surrounding them. Thank you, LORD, we already have the victory. It is Yours. In Your hands. Finished. Complete. Just let the story play out.

I am so grateful and excited to be on His side. Seriously. Think about it... I know what I used to be.

Take a moment to think about the last time you were thrown on your knees or back off of your feet overwhelmed by His love - for you or for someone else. I mean, literally, thrown back and overwhelmed by the intensity and commitment of unconditional love - one that seeks and requires nothing in return and loves for the mere sake of loving. The last time you were given a glimpse of who someone is in His eyes. Of their hurt, their pain, their secerts, their faults, their sin, their darkness... the parts that only the Holy Spirit can see. The last time you were given a glimpse of what He desires them to be. What He wants to create - the new creature, cleaned, healed, reborn into something incredible and pleasing and desirable and Holy. If you haven't been in this spot yet, for yourself especially, then please... go find your secert place with Him and ASK for it! But if you have... you understand what I saw and what I see. And where I am. And why they lay so heavy on my heart. Why I am for the first time understanding Paul - that he would give up his own for the sake of theirs.

His love is so much more beautiful when they understand and see it too... when it is shared. It sounds like a very hippy idea, but seriously... think about it. How can we be silent? The rocks and the trees, the mountains and streams - the very EARTH groans with Him and His glory and will cry out and shout if we do not.

Shout. Cry. Express it. That joy is not ours to hold to alone...

Hope is a beautiful thing. Hope is precious - because it gives us a reason to continue waking up each day and facing whatever it brings. A reason to love, a reason to hold on, and a reason to speak up and speak out.

Hope is what sets us apart here from those surrounding us. Because our hope is based on ASSURANCE - That by calling upon His name, we are saved. It is really that simple. Believe. And enter into that beautiful relationship that gives the only real hope. My neighbors, coworkers, and so many friends... they don't have the light in their eyes or the joy in their hearts and it is because they are working and working and working... and not. getting. anywhere.

Step. Step. Step. Step. Fall... Start over. From the bottom. Attain it all because you can't possibly accept anything as a gift. It must all be earned. It must all be because of your own merit and good works. Work harder! You aren't working hard enough... Are you there YET? No? Do it again. And again. And again. And tomorrow, you still won't be any closer because you will fall again and you still won't know when you sleep where you will end up...

Pray with us this week please, as we share Hope. And Truth. And LOVE. The only One who can save is might to do so. Pray, my friends.

Faith seems to be a lot about maintenance. - a good friend. I think that he may be correct. Faith is not something that comes naturally or easily or without effort. Mine is lacking in so many areas. I believe that God is big enough. I believe that He can and will work in these peoples' lives. But... sometimes, seeing the depths that some of them are at, seeing the pain that they carry, and seeing the day to day... You get discouraged. But He IS big enough. More than enough.

And I think that will be my next lesson. Maintenance. I am okay with that idea.

Warfare has been the topic of late. God has given ample opportunity to practice what He is teaching me and it has had some fairly interesting results, but we are still only in the very beginning. This is far from over.

I also learned something new. I really enjoy Simple Apple Apple Juice with granola. Preferably DD's homemade granola - just the right amount of sweet. Makes me smile.

Pray for the group - most of them are in California this week doing a week long missions outreach for mainly homeless communities and work projects for ministries geared toward the homeless.

More to come but my brain is slowly turning to a mush to match my granola, so it will have to wait.

Missing it... Little pieces of the only part that matters... Eleven mailboxes. One husband. Only He knows how many souls... All of them lost... For now. But, if you could write a letter, a love letter, to them, one to express the passion, the joy that God takes in each of their lives, the love that He longs to give them, would you do it? Would you fill those mailboxes, those hearts, those homes, with the love of Christ? If even for a moment? Over 700 letters were delievred to homes all over this community to a lost and dying and unreached people group. Ones that need to know Jesus. Letters that told of a hope, a way out, a rescue, and a love that goes beyond all logic and comprehension.

Sometimes, we see them. The people around us. But most of the time, I think our eyes are blind. We miss seeing them the way that He sees them. Seeing the girls at the girls' home whose hearts are shattered, whose families are broken, and whose world is filled with darkness. We miss seeing the man on the street who is pleading for someone to fill his gas tank - not so that he can take advantage, but so that he can see that God is indeed real and cares. To see the God who cares about the hairs on his head and the gas in his tank and the fingerprints on his fingers.

We miss seeing the burn victim who can't even cry tears because the burns are so severe around his eyes but who will grasp at anything to cure him of his pain and rescue him from his meaningless and selfish existence. Anything to forget.

I think sometimes we miss making the new friends who remind of us that God does still have some that honor Him, that stick to the design that was set in place. I think we miss learning the new lessons and hearing the stories.

I think we miss it because sometimes... we are so busy looking for what WE want or what we think we need. And whatever it is that we are actually looking for - is right there in front of us.

"Inside of love, there is always a fire burning where we can warm our hands, our hearts, our souls." - Erwin Raphael McManus.

Friends, our hearts should break. And in the breaking, we should see the victory. This battle is just a battle. The war is OVER. And we are on the winning side. Don't miss your opportunities...

Write a letter of love. The Word is there for the living. Do it by the way you interact with your coworkers, the way that you see the ones around you, the ones that you normally pass by. Love Him by loving them...

"Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes that I may see." - Brandon Heath.

"Break my heart for what breaks yours..."

This is an excerpt of a teaching of Helen Mar Kimball Smith Whitney's husband, who was the founder of the LDS Church - Joseph Smith:

"How gross is the darkness that covers the minds of the people who are fighting against the principles of salvation. No one actuated by the spirit of God would do this or speak against his servants, but would be attended by the Holy Ghost, which would give them faith and reveal to them the power of God unto salvation; but which without faith, is impossible. We read that "the just shall live by faith," and that "faith without works is dead." We can understand the things of God only by the spirit and power of God. The revelations of Joseph Smith can never save others, unless they receive revelation from heaven of their truth, and they must seek for it in order to obtain it. Those who are too careless and slothful to read or to "search and believe in me, not in man," as Jesus said for, "who leans on him leans on a broken reed," will be left as many others have to stumble even at noonday."

This principle of salvation as it was so nicely put was one that required the marriage of Patty and Slyvia Sessions to Joseph Smith - mother and daughter, both of whom were already married to other men - members of the "Church". And the Partridge sisters - also married to other men - polyandry. And Lucy Walker - 17 years old and Helen Mar Kimball Smith Whitney - who was 14 at the time of marriage. And the total was about 34 as far as wives go. His descendents are almost too many to count.

Helen Kimball and Sarah Ann Whitney were both given a time limit - Helen of less than 24 hours to decide to marry him. They were told that the salvation of their entire household was dependent on it. - Read it for yourself in the diaries.

In case you wondered, this man was and is still considered to be a prophet of the one and only True church.

This is what we live with here. Every day. Why, saints, are you not on your knees broken for these people? Let Him shatter your hearts because theirs are and have been... lies have a way of ripping you to shreds and then building fortresses higher than Jericho. But we know how those walls ended up... Father, rescue is coming. Please, rescue your children.

Their hair is swept up off to the side of their face ending in a bun or braid that has an intensity and mass that is overwhelming and definitive to even the most uneducated onlooker or passer-by. Their long sleeves and long skirts match his long sleeves and slacks. It is like going back in time, seeing them on their horses or driving their old pickups filled with children hanging out the back and off the tailgate. They live in close community and shun the outside. They know almost nothing of our world. They are trapped. And they are decieved. And they are abused. And they do it in the name of salvation and godhood. In the name of religion.

Their eyes are vacant. Their hope is nonexistent. I will never forget seeing them all... the ones playing on the playground, all around me. All from one family. All victims and all broken...

GOD! - RESCUE YOUR CHILDREN! Please, Abba... please. Their faces will not leave my mind, their pain - it hasn't left my heart. To not know You...

A friend told me a story the other day that has stuck with me. It actually made me really think and drove me to do some serious praying. He was telling me the bucket story. It goes like this: There was this master and he had two buckets. One was whole and held water to capacity. The other had holes on the bottom and when filled with water, it leaked and dripped until usually, it ended up half full. The master would put both buckets on a yoke, one on each side. He would then walk to the river, fill the buckets and return home and use the water as needed. The bucket with the holes saw the full and whole bucket and felt inferior. He apologized for not being all that he could be to the master. Apologized for not being complete, for being broken. The master said, "Watch today when we get the water. I want to show you something." The master took the buckets to the river, filled them and as they returned the bucket with holes leaked and dripped the entire way home. The master pointed to the side of the road and showed the bucket the flowers along the side of the road that the bucket was on. He explained that the flowers were caused by the water that dripped from the bucket and that he was blessed by the beauty of the flowers each day. Without the holes, without the brokenness, there would be no flowers.

Where are you broken, dear one? Where are your scars? I know you have them. I have seen many of them, and He sees them all. And Heaven knows, I have my own. But so much can come of them. He can make good from all things. Teach me, God.

My prayer lately has been that I can learn to want what He wants. In all things. So often, I still see what I want and bypass what He wants. But that is changing. And it is good. He is good.

We had a girl's luau the other night. After there was a long conversation with a friend. Just about life mostly. About Him and about life. And watched the Passion with another few friends, including C, about a week ago. Colorado City this past week, a tv interview coming up this next week, in between was covered by fundraising for mission trip coming up (that I won't be able to go on, sadly) and work and studying-ish for my certification Praxis exam and then as of this morning, taking the exam. Met some new friends in the past two weeks and have hung out three times now and will see them again on Thursday. Learned a lot just from life lately and God has been amazing... He breaks us and heals us and overwhelms me...

And my brain is now mush.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :)

HE IS RISEN!!!!!!!!!! He is risen, indeed! He is Lord of Lords, King of Kings, and seated at the righthand of our Father on the Throne... and He is ALIVE!

I was given a new poem the other day. It may not make a lot of sense because it was a little jumbled but it was like snapshots and song clips and just tiny glimpses... Tiny Glimpses of Something Beautiful... He gave me so many glimpses - whether looking at the sky, into a little one's face, someone's tears, hearing a song, or just having one of those moments.. those ones where you KNOW that He is standing face to face with you and showing you His heart and His story and His plan. Those glimpses of what's to come and what He has in store and what He desires and ultimately just His love. I know that sounds all flowery and nice but think of it in a less romantic way for a moment. We are bombarded by all of the nasty and painful stuff every day all day long. And it gets overwhelming. Overwhelming to live here in the midst of so much blind pain and so much deception. And it hurts your heart and your spirit to see all of this and think, "God, where are you?" And then... in the middle of all this brokenness and all of the tears and all of the silent screams of people, He gives tiny glimpses of what He sees as beautiful. And beautiful it is and has been.
I tried to describe that in this new poem. I failed miserably but I am sharing it with you anyway. Go to: http://warriordawn.blogspot.com to see it.

And good news: Lindsay will be out of the hospital today and staying at the Ronald McDonald House for about 3 days until she can get stitches out and then back to Maine. :) Long road of recovery still but He is healing my baby sister and I could not be happier! :) God is sooooooo Good and has so many plans for this little one.

Update on Lindsay Mae...

Many of you already know that my baby sister was going to have yet another major brain surgery today. She needed a decompression of the brain because it was too far back in the skull placing the brain stem in the spinal cord down to the second vertebrate.
Before they attempted the decompression however, they wanted to do a traction test. This requires placing screws in her head and a halo on that will elongate the neck and pull her head up from the original position. The purpose was to check for instability in her neck. They had to put a weight on the back of the neck to check the stability or instability. What they found was that by having her head in traction, it gave her what she needed for her brain to be moved back - taking the brain stem OUT of the spinal cord, thus eliminating her arnold chiari.

So this gave the doctors a new plan. Which was God's plan all along apparently. :) Tomorrow morning at 8am, they are going to go in and do a fusion in her neck. This means that there will be two metal rods placed in her neck on either side of the spinal cord screwed in at her skull and at her 3rd or 4th vertebrate. This will limit her mobility somewhat but not severely and hopefully, she should even still be able to drive! (She just got her learner's permit so that was a bit of a superficial but real concern for her). They will also inject a fluid that will eventually grow into a bone and once it does, she will have one more surgery to remove the rods and then.... FINISHED!

So... GOD IS GOOD! :) Take heart and rejoice. I am so excited!

The group is going to Salt Lake tonight. They are spending the night at a condo and attending a free concert at Calvary Chapel (Kate, Stan, and Goat would remember this church... we went to a concert there our first year out here). And then tomorrow they are doing surveys at General Conference.

I planned to go. Up until about an hour ago. But I am not feeling well - I have that fun cough that makes you cough so hard you feel like you are bringing it up from your toes. But it is all in the chest. Enough details. Anyway... so I planned to go but I am thinking that right now... God wants a date with me - some time spent reading and sipping my green tea. And sleep sounds like an excellent option before I have to work again tomorrow afternoon.

I was listening to David Crowder sing "All that I can say" on the computer and the words were mixing with the overhead speakers which were playing "Bring the Rain" and I got lost for a bit in the idea of both songs and who knows... maybe God will give me something profound or some poetry for ya. I have a few thoughts spinning.

It is raining and snowing and cold and windy and warm and sunny all at once right now. Overcast in one area and bright blue in another. The weather literally looks like Texas when you look at the skies. It is all bipolar and crazyified but man... it is so pretty. And the glaze of ice covering everything and the ice dripping everywhere... I love it. It makes for a good excuse to press my nose to the glass of the window and stay safely indoors and just enjoy without being in it. Right now as I type it is snowing again. Small flakes. That means it will last awhile. Smaller the flakes the longer it snows. USUALLY. The bigger flakes that are heavier with moisture usually don't last long but man... they are pretty. The snow right now is the kind that you don't want to drive in. Pray for the group today.

The cafe is now orange. And we are missing a wall. I will post pictures soon. We are putting up gold paint with some kind of glaze over it on a couple of other walls. Then I will put up photos of the finished product. I am still deciding what I think about that much orange. Some days I like it and others it gets on my nerves. The paint smell though may be the cause of that.

More updates to come perhaps. OH. And email me @ felizalba@gmail.com if you would like to be involved in a ministry opportunity coming up soon. Like by April 14th soon. It is HUGE and we could use all the help we could get. Crossroads folks - I am calling Bud about it so ask him or Kate for details. :)

Some pictures of our arms on To Write Love On Her Arms Day... It was awhile ago but it took me a bit to figure out how to get them off my phone. I am not sure why I didn't take them with my camera but se la vi. Anyway... Enjoy. You can see a few more on here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2015223&id=159101331&l=8e1eab6a10 - for some reason, blogger won't let me post all of them.

I have been reminded over and over that we all have a story. And the best way to connect with a person is to ask them their story and to get involved IN their story. The best way to make an impact and witness to a person of Christ's love is to make your story something that they can see and be a part of, something that they can be included in. To feel valued, to feel desired, to feel needed - to make it known that their story matters to you and to your own story.

I met this kid named "A" who ironically enough is friends with Jamie and the other guys from To Write Love on Her Arms. He was there the week that Renee went through her week-long detox with the group. He was there when the t-shirts were made and when the whole thing exploded into something huge. He is friends with the band members who were responsible for playing each night - the nights that Renee was giving up her blades and drugs. (for more of the story of Renee and TWLOHA see: www.twloha.com)

"A" made me cd's of their music. I love it. :) Not a surprise, really. We met him at a thrift store. He is nothing like the kids here - but I can't tell what's going through his mind about Christ. But... as I hear more of his story, I will learn. And then, maybe we can build enough trust that I can tell him mine.

Going to the girl's home this afternoon. I have been a few times before. I think this will become a regular thing for me. I spoke with Kim about it and I really really break for these girls. Their stories... so much brokenness. What if I can be one of the ones to tell them that the story does not have to end that way? That their broken and wounded and hidden places can be brought to light and healed by the only Perfect Healer.

Been reading about Helen Mar Kimball Smith Whitney. Talk about a mouthful on the names. I thought my real name was long. Sheesh. But her story is becoming important to me. Mainly, because she is my character and I would love nothing more than to prevent more women from sharing a story like hers. I physically feel ill when I study about her life. It sucked that much. But maybe... by telling her story and telling mine, God can rescue some of these women. Freedom.

"Open up your broken heart. There's a light inside." - Tenth Avenue North.

New song up on my other blog - fits nicely with this topic: My Words

Hello friends out there whom I assume are still reading... Update on my little sister, Lindsay. Apparently the poor kid needs yet another surgery. Scheduled for April 7th in New York at the same place as the last one. Second brain decompression within a year. This thing just keeps trying to beat her. Anyway, they are headed out there from Maine on the 3rd and will stay probably a week to two weeks at the very least to be sure that she is all taken care of. The medication that they were trying to use in order to relieve pressure caused metabolic acidosis and so they had to take her off of it immediately. Just keep praying.
I have my plane tickets to head out there for her high school graduation - June 5th. Fly out end of May and stay until the 8th or 9th, I believe.

Anyway, pray for this little one.


And I have a praise. C. She is making sooooo much progress and has been reading and studying like crazy. God is so awesome and it has been AMAZING to see Him move in her. :)

Well, LU came and went. And due to the nature of internet, it would be better to get details from the team if you want to know what we did, but suffice to say God worked this week and it was crazy and we are all exhausted and that was a fantastic team. It was a jam-packed week with after-effects that may not be fully known for awhile but will be crazy awesome.

I still need to do my Utah taxes. Opps.

It would be nice if my time tables matched a little closer with God's. I get frustrated because I always seem to want to jump ahead and He isn't finished with the here and now yet... I bet I could save myself a lot of pain that way.

LeTourneau is driving as I type this. They have had a lot of nasty weather but Cheryl texted and said it finally cleared. Pray for safety. They should be here about this time tomorrow night.
Tomorrow morning for me will be shopping for food - cause these guys are gonna be hungry eventually. I am in charge of breakfast stuff. Shopping will actually be after Subway breakfast with the guys and a car wash for Amy's Honda... poor baby has cat paw prints all over it - reminiscent of a visit with Deeds and her mom's monster cats. And any final cleaning/dishes at my apartment and the cafe, etc, but I think we should be just about set on that front. Then I think a movie is in order... and just trying to not be too antsy and annoying while I wait for my best friend and crew to arrive.
God has crazy awesome things in store for this week. I know that. And I am holding to the promise that He is far bigger than anything that Satan will try to throw at us. And that His will WILL be done.

For now... I think I will go chew on my fingernails or something while I wait. New post on poetry blog. I found a new song. I can identify... Not right now specifically, but yeah, I can understand. And I am sure you have been there. Check it out.

God gave me a new poem but I forgot my journal upstairs so... you get to wait. Trying to get ready for LU to come in. Trying to think. Trying to finish work for the week. Trying to clean. Trying to sort out my brain and heart.

Feels incredibly weird to NOT be on the mission team this year. Like... so so backwards. Tomorrow night they will have the foot-washing ceremony and communion. I haven't missed that for five years now. I missed the carwashes, the meetings, the training, the dinners at the Carl's, and this Friday - I will miss the drive. It is really strange being on the recieving end. Pray that I can be a gracious reciever... and that I can work with the team well.

I almost feel jealous in a way, if that makes sense. Which is incredibly stupid because I am actually living a dream - being involved in this ministry full time has been and was my dream for at least 4 years. But... like all dreams, eventually you wake up and life is life and it IS grand but it is also the day to day. And that means stepping in Zeek crap outside, slipping on ice, and watching people make incredible decisions for Christ. Among other things. But with the exception of that last one.. my point is that no matter where we are, life ends up just being life. And I used to live for the Utah trip because it was a break from the norm, an insane ministry that I loved, and a chance to spend a week with people that I loved. - Not only the ones here but also my best friend and the other team members. Just feels weird to not be a part of it all in the same way and so yeah... But man... I AM SO EXCITED! I cannot wait to see them all.

I have amazing news. Two pieces.. no wait, make it three.

1. A person that we recently met and was JUST presented with the True Gospel for the first time apparently prayed to accept Christ. PLEASE lift her up in prayer. K - you can call her that.

2. Another one hearing the request from the first to get to know this God that we speak of, voiced her desire to know the same. And apparently can't sleep at night because her hunger for His Word is so intense that she stays up all night reading.

3. And the third piece of news is that I am going to be on TV on April 30th. More details later but for now, I better keep quiet and not ruin it. Just suffice to say that I won't be portraying me and I will be doing an interview. And I am super excited but in need of prayer. :)

I have said this several times on my other blog, but I hate dreams. I really would relish a night's sleep without any recollection of what ran through my subconscious while my body rested. I would appreciate even nice dreams. That doesn't seem to be my lot. Before you start harping on me to pray and to do this or to do that or whatever... allow me to assure you that there is prayer before sleep and I have tried most everything most every night. Not much works. Well, prayer does work, but dreams still come more often than not. The nightmares that I used to be plagued by are not nearly as frequent as they were before I was a believer but when they come... it is intense. It leaves a raw emotion that just makes me feel like I was stuck inside a blender and chewed up then spat out to deal with the mush that has become of my brain and heart. It usually takes a day or two to sort out in my head and a day or three before sleep is regular-ish again.

That all being said... last night was rough.

The weather today, though, was beautiful. So was the service at church. We had a TON of visitors - amazing. One really sweet lady - K. Pray for her. And her demon-dog. Seriously...

LU will be here in less than 2 weeks now. I cannot wait. It feels very weird to be on the other side of the trip, though. I can't even begin to tell you how weird. Pray for the trip and for the people coming. God knows we need it.

I like the little things. Like knowing exactly what kind of sauce they will all get on their Subway breakfast. And knowing who wakes up at 7am every morning even though the alarm isn't set until 2 hours later. And knowing who likes fur cat mittens. I just miss knowing so many of those things about people... but time is helping that process. Little things mean a lot. It defines how you know a person. If all I know about you is your name, eye color, and how you take your coffee, I don't have much to go on but if I can use those things to get to know more about you... like why you INSIST on having a straw to drink hot drinks knowing that the roof of your mouth will inevitably get burned but you do it anyway... well, then we can move to deeper things. The things that last... the things that keep you awake at night and the things that you cry silent tears over, and the things that give you the greatest joy. The things that make you - you.

I long for that intimacy with Him. I long to have friends again with that intimacy. The knowing and being known. The good part, is that I am already halfway there with Him - He knows me. Every detail. Intense...

Went "up north" today to Provo to spend a day away. It was great - car issues (crazy!), Chinese food (amazing!), new earrings (needed!), DI (exciting!), and Costco... and meeting new people (Gabe's brother and sister-in-law who bailed us out when the car died...)... So yeah, it was a great day!

And tonight promises to be pretty great as long as Liz and I can stay awake - one of the girl's who comes to the cafe will be joining us for movies, foot soaks, and just all around hang-out time. Sleepover for the girls. :)

Morning promises breakfast at Subway - as has become our tradition. A few of us go every Saturday. No real reason other than it's fun. It was Tyrone's idea and it just stuck.

Pray for the family of two sisters who were killed last week in a car wreck from Snow College last week. I believe that one had been in the cafe before but I can't be sure and the other I don't think any of us knew. The school is hurting though, and as many of you LU people can understand - it is crazy hard to lose a fellow student at your school. Pray for healing and for opportunities to point to Christ through this.

Gabe and I had an AWESOME opportunity to witness to a friend last night. Pray for rescue for C. God is sooooooo moving in her heart and it is INSANELY EXITING to see. Like, crazy. :)

I have more thoughts, but maybe they would be better in a separate post and I don't feel like writing them now, so... yeah. Later.

Take me to Your secret place of thunder.
Let me hear the voice of the One...
The One my soul longs to hear.

Take me to Your secret place of thunder.
Let me see Your writing on the wall...
The message causing all to fear.

Take me to Your secret place of thunder.
Let me know Your words of truth...
The dividing of my soul and heart.

Take me to Your secret place of thunder.
Let me feel Your holy touch...
The healing of the broken part.

Shut the door,
open my ears,
eyes, heart, and mind.
Make me one with You.
Whole. New.
Take me to Your secret place of thunder.

So I wish I had something witty and inspiring and deep and just "WOW" for you like Tyrone did for his Valentine's Day post, but I don't. Not that I am not ALL of those qualities ALL the time... ;) ... but meh... I just don't. Besides, it is now 3 days after Valentine's Day anyway.

I do have some food for thought for ya... Jeff, a ministry leader from One Way ministries who came to speak with us one day last week (was it last week or the week before? I can't remember now...) told us this: "If you are not fellowshiping in light, you ARE fellowshiping in darkness. We all must be fellowshiping in something." He is sooooo right. I know it is a pretty elementary thought but you would be surprised how often we think "well, I don't really NEED to do this or read that or blah blah blah..." And then when we are miserable, well, who doesn't love company....? Seriously, think about it. Where are you fellowshiping? It does matter.

I am so excited that exactly ONE month from now my best friend, some of the coolest guys in the world, and a whole bunch of LU people will be HERE! With me! Sitting beside me! The world will be good again, because once again we will have combined my favorite things - LU and here. For those of you from outside our LU bubble, you may not know that this is THE first Utah trip that I have NOT been on (I was one of the ORIGINAL team...) so it is a little weird for me to be on the recieving end of the team but I am so freaking excited to see them that I almost don't care. They should have kept me on staff for admissions. I still talk that place up like crazy. How can I not? I met God there...

I want a koi fish. And new chopsticks... but not to eat the fish with...

Kate, can you bring my cat with you, please?

I am making closer friendships and finally am at a point where I can talk and mostly be myself. God is taking care of us.

I miss my sister, though. So much.

Two new poems on http://warriordawn.blogspot.com - go check 'em out. Feedback welcome.

Ok, your job is to pray for a trained Christian psychologist to have the desire to move here and live here and work with the people. Someone with training in cutting, depression, mental illness, suicidal tendencies, abuse, polygamy, and the LDS church and soooo many other things. Someone who has a heart and passion and desire for Christ and is trained to reach the broken ones. We are all broken, but some need more than the simple hugs that I can give. That's where your prayers come in.

Let me show you and share with you what God and I talked about this morning. Normally, ok, never, do I share this stuff... but I think you may appreciate. We have been studying Hebrews in our morning Bible study and I have been studying about our inheiritance in Him. Connor sent me an INCREDIBLE sermon yesterday that I plan to share with a few of my girls. The title of it was He will never leave you.
Anyway, here's this mornings conversation.

-As I drink my drink, You are like a child. So excited. "Come, come, there is so much more that I have to show you, darling. Come, I can't wait for you to see. To teach you, as you sit here, and learn from me."
-Make my eyes reflect my heart and make my heart as one who is deeply in lve and make my love be You. When they see me, let them see me consumed by You.
-You are my Bridegroom, sweet and perfect. You won't leave me. I am beautiful in Your eyes, which are filled with desire, and I have an inheiritance in You.

Psalm 5:11-12 - "But let all who take refuge in You be glad. Let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them. That those who love Your name may exult in You. For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord, You surround him with favor as with a shield."

Substituted this morning. It was sweet... It is probably the only time, though, that I get frustrated with people for thinking I am younger than I am. I get tired of having to reassure teachers that not only am I more than qualified to substitute, but that in some of the cases, I have as much or MORE qualifications than they do, not to mention experience. I promise, I only look like a baby. I really have a lot to learn yet in the classroom, but I am not a spring chicken either... at least, not this past spring. Maybe a few before.

Ok, asking for help on a new blog template. This one is kinda boring me. I would love something new and a little more exciting. I like the dark colors and simplistic designs for ease of reading but something a bit nicer than this would be helpful. So, lemme know if you have ideas. I am capable of a little html but very limited. My last update on my other blog, I had to have Kate help me. Depending on who you are, I may let you do it yourself OR I may just get the info from you and do it myself. Either way, opinions welcome!

Also, I think it is about time to meet the readership... if there is much of any (and I know by the statcounter that I have at least a few regulars). So if you read more often than just a stumble across - say something! Comment and let us know you are there and who you are. Stumble across-ers can comment to, but then be sure to stumble back by again.

I decided there is a whole lot of touching in girl's basketball. I went to Tor's game this weekend and whew... I guess I never really realized it before but yeah, girls are way more pushy than the guys.

Oh, and for the Super Bowl fans, you will be proud of me for only sleeping through about 5 minutes of the game; (I couldn't sleep any more than that because the girls all screamed so loudly). One of the girls from our church - her brother in law was playing so we had a ton of people cheering for the Steelers. A few Arizona fans but their screams were muted by the others... And my spinach dip was great! :) Not all gone but that's alright. Ohh, and there are cookies and brownies left if you want some... Momma G's favorite flavors- chocolate and mint.

Random fact: I hate shoes and socks and slippers. I wear them out of desperation for warmth. I usually prefer to have cold feet than to have covered feet. This makes me anxious for a job where closed toe is no longer required.

COMMENT.

I am going to attempt something exciting. Spinach artichoke dip from our dear friend in Manti... the one with more than one entryway and kitchen in the house. My LU mission team should know. :) Yummy. Making it for the Super Bowl party that we are holding tomorrow. There are Steelers and Cardinal's posters up everywhere. Pretty funny since only about 3 people actually care about whose playing. The rest of us are just along for the ride.

Anyway, chocolate chip cookies, mint brownies, and spinach artichoke dip with chips are my contributions. Want some? Come join us! So yummy...

We had our Saturday morning ritual of breakfast at Subway. I was the only girl today, but that's alright. It was like old times. :) I enjoy having something regular to do other than work and I love having a "resturant" that knows who we are and what we will order. Makes me think of the Waffle Shoppe. I just wish they had good coffee at Subway...Chocolate milk is ok, though.

So last night was amazing. I was allowed to share the Gospel (the real one) with a girl after showing her the Impossible Gospel. It was amazing. I know that I said that already, but truthfully... She kept saying that she hadn't heard it like that before. Huh... I wonder why...

Lots of other cool things happened yesterday, too. A and C were here. I love hanging out with them. I need to work on staying awake during movies, though. I am notorious for falling asleep and that doesn't help anything much. Last night, I think I only dozed off for about 10 minutes, which is pretty decent.

OOOH, and I found a place to get Kate's favorite shirt. For cheap. Look in the mail eventually, girlie... you will be happy. :) Thank the girls who came in for a late night smoothie last night.

Speaking of smoothies... I am impressed with the results that I have seen from them lately...

Heh... I have been a little disappointed in the lack of response on the last post. Mostly because I kinda was hoping to start some dialogue but I guess if people actually decided to use the links, then the point was made. (Reminds me, I need to check the stat counter to see if the links really were used much.)

Anyway, so I kind of feel the need to breathe a huge sigh of relief but at the same time, to just cry and cry. No, this isn't just a girl thing. More like a Whoa God thing. It happens and there has been a very intense spiritual battle going on right now covering several fronts and affecting a TON of people and it finally seems like we can see God as the Victor (we always knew He is but sometimes it is hard to SEE). But... still having a hard time seeing HOW this victory will be achieved.


I remember this one time as a kid I overheard my mom on the phone with someone. She was talking about how something that I said to her (I was only about 10 at the time) had really hit her hard and at first it hurt her like crazy. Later it made her really stop and think and evaluate. She said that it was not the first time that I had gotten into her face and been a voice that was pretty blunt and abrasive but fairly truthful. I have no clue now what I said. I barely remember it except that I remember her changing some after that. And it was for the better. A little less screaming. At least for awhile.


My point is that I have pretty much always been a stir-stick for a pretty messy pot and I have a really bad knack for bring all of those things out to the top of the pot so they can be seen and messed with. Sometimes, this can be good. Others... well. yeah. Anyway, this is not necessarily a bad quality. Paul was very similar. Countless times he says "and this I hold against you..." after complimenting this church or that. I just want to learn how to speak in LOVE like Paul did and how to LISTEN to the Holy Spirit like he did. Because if I keep stirring pots without adding a little seasoning of grace and humilty and love... well let's just say this will be one nasty soup. Holy Spirit - speak through me or shut me up.

Lessons learned.

And you NEED to check out those links on the last post. Seriously. And feedback. Lots of it. We can't be afraid of issues like these because these are the real ones that we sit and hide every Sunday and throughout most of our week. As I learn to speak in love, maybe we all need to learn to speak OUT.

Tomorrow is my sister's 22nd birthday. She has been protected by God in a big way. I remember everything that could go wrong did for her while we were growing up. She has been through a lot and has survived. She has battled and still battles severe depression (most of which is caused by enviroment and mental/physical health issues). She is my hero. I don't have a single memory from before college where she wasn't involved at least in some way. At least... not until I started dating, anyway. We have been worst enemies at times but I can't remember a time when it was death for whoever dared to step foot against her. I was the big sister and consequently a bit overprotective. She is fragile but a lot stronger than she is given credit for. I remember when we had to hide the pills, I remember when she learned to ride her bike, and to write, and called me "Shesha" and when she graduated from high school. I remember yelling at my grandfather for spanking her because I didn't think she deserved it. I remember stepping in countless times on other occasions.

I think she is also one of the reasons that To Write Love on Her Arms is so dear to me. She is one of the many that I hold close that has been there. I have dealt with a lot of the issues that TWLOHA addresses as well. Please, take the time to check out their site and get to know their cause. They are about making a change and facing the things that the rest of us hide from. We are so scared to face the topics of death, depression, suicide, cutting, drugs, abuse and others. We are terrified of not knowing what to say. Of not knowing how to simply FIX it. TWLOHA lets you know that is ok to not be ok. It is ok to admit that you hurt and that you need help, you need community, you need to tell your story, you need a reason to hope, you need love. You need redemption. We need redemption.

I remember finding out about them shortly before they came to LU one fall with XXXCHURCH (the number 1 Christian porn site). The two groups together shook up our school, but sadly, not enough. Only some of us were shaken enough to hold on to what we were given that week. I first read about TWLOHA online when a friend showed it to me through mySpace.

Read their stories. On both sites. See their passion. Don't be afraid to address the hard stuff. It is real. It exists. Why hide?

by the way: xxxchurch is an anti-porn website set up to help people find recovery and help from this addiction. Their story explains the name and their hearts for God explain their mission. The site has some really great accountability software that you can download for free to protect your computer and yourself from the nasty crap that you can come across... intentionally or not. And a TON of testimonies. Check it out.

I have an uncanny sense of BAD timing. Cassie - always perfect timing with her encouraging notes, prayers, scriptures, etc. Most everything I have observed about that girl includes great timing. Brett is much the same. Me... not so much. I got out all of my stuff today so that I could be productive and talk to the loan companies for hours on end about consolidating my loans and making payment plans and getting my little self out of a mountain of school debt. And then I reached the voicemail... "our office is closed today for the holiday, please call back tomorrow..." UGH. I forgot. Again. Dang it... You better bet that tomorrow I will plan to call. Plan because well.. there are no gurrantees that the state of productivity extends past today since it usually comes in spurts. Very short spurts.

My poor timing extends to other areas of life as well. So do my discretionary skills. But that is another issue that I don't want to discuss.

I have been exploring plane tickets - have to go to Maine in June for my little sister's graduation. If any of you know of cheap flights, lemme know. Salt Lake City, UTh to Portland, ME, preferably. Cheaper the better. That loan mountain of debt is loaming and I need to be a bit more attentive to its' presence than I have been thus far. I still consider LU worth every dime and penny. Well, most every dime and penny.

I wish our brains came with a thinking/dwelling/contemplating-shut-off button. I would make great use of that once in awhile. I don't have one, so any time now that I may seem to be making use of it... well, usually I am just not being as discretionary as necessary...

God is bigger than us. It is a good thing.

The song says, "In Christ alone, my hope is found. Let it be said of me, in every victory, in Christ alone is my source of help, my strength." - I want this to be true. How much I want it... But the reality is that often, I don't have many victories. More often, I screw up. I did that recently. Pretty badly. Pretty big. And I have done nothing but cry and pray since. Literally... my throat is so sore (combination of crying and the dry Utah air...).

He is ENOUGH. And at times, I really wish He would step in and say, "That's enough." Because I often am not good at judging that point in time... when enough is enough and it is time to sit down and shut my mouth. But even in that, even in my mistakes, He is still enough. That is hard for me to comprehend at times.

I almost didn't want to post again for awhile, just because I am still not sure how things will turn out or what's going to happen. I know that I messed up. I have asked for forgiveness and I have no clue what else to do. How amazing my God is, that He never gets to a point where He doesn't know. He can fix even this. Even this mistake, this brokenness, and even those that I hurt and me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10 were our floor verses for G1 my first year at LU. I cherish those verses so much for so many reasons. I feel so weak so often and yet, it really doesn't matter because He is always strong. And He will ALWAYS make good things come of the circumstances that we find ourselves in. Our God won't give up.

I was reading a blog today called Bring the Rain. I found it on Kelly's blog linked on one of her old posts and decided on a whim to open it. Man... in the midst of the anguish that this woman must have gone through, I could feel a bandaid being put on me. I continued to pray for the ones that I hurt and for God to work out in it all and as I did, I watched this lady's story unfold of what God has done for her. I almost NEVER read random blogs, especially of people that I don't know. But this one... you should check it out.

Yesterday, the first thing when I walked into work, a customer yelled at me. She had been poorly treated in the back of the store by a different associate. I have no idea what happened but she demanded to see a manager and to have the problem corrected - as she had every right to. She then asked me to cash out her mountainous basket of leftover-Christmas goodies at the customer service desk. I am not allowed to cash out more than a couple of items at my counter because it is not equipped to handle large quantities. We are set up for refunds, not purchases. She got very upset with me for my refusal. I politely sent her to another register, one that had an incredibly short line for that time of day (this was during the busy stretch of the evening) and explained why I could not check her out at my register. Eventually, the manager came up and helped the woman to calm down and relieve her anxiety about whatever had transpired before I arrived.

I tell you this story, because I find that I am like this ALL the time with God. It is a habit that I desperately want to break and one that I bet if you were honest, you probably have as well. We feel mistreated by someone, we didn't get what we think we deserve or want and we demand justice. Then while waiting on God, we continue to berate and belittle those around us in attempts to make ourselves feel better, thus taking that justice into our own hands. The woman yelling at me did nothing to help her own situation or to make her feel better. And when someone who COULD help her was able to do so, she was still ungrateful. What I deserve from God and what He has given me are totally different. Help me to remember to always be grateful.

Another day, a woman came in and just started venting to me about a product that she wanted but could not find. I could not help the woman because we do not sell the product in our store. So I just listened. All the woman really needed was an ear. She had a long day and she has a family and she has this and that issue waiting for her and this one little product was just one more straw on the camel's back. She just wanted someone to listen. Thank you, Father, for being my ear.

And last story... last night. A gentleman who was not incredibly gentlemanly-like came in and stated that his pizza box said "Love it or your money back." I don't know what idiot put that on the box but because they did, we were bound to give him his money back. I personally think if you can eat half the pizza surely you can say that you enjoyed it enough to swallow but... hey, who am I to argue? The point is that because he did not get EXACTLY what he wanted, he was asking for a refund. For some reason, we think we have a right to this. We pay for. We expect something. We don't get what we expect and we want our money back. But have we ever really thought about what we are paying for? What HE offers me is so much more but because I don't get what I think I need or want and because I don't always love it, I at times hear myself demanding my money back. Except... what have I ever given to begin with? Seriously...

Anyway... things to think about. It feels like a whirlwind. I can't wait for the dust to settle down so that I can think clearly again... but in the meantime, I am going to keep praying. He is enough.

God has a way of slowing us down when we need it. Today was no exception. I slept pretty much the entire day, called into work, and nursed a very upset stomach and headache. There is no possible way that I could have the pain tolerance needed to survive Kate's migraines. I am such a pansy.
Last night, we had a jam session and just played music and sang and read and prayed. It was beautiful and I found myself wishing that I could just stop and stay and not have to DO anything. I was laying there in an inbetween state of awake and asleep and in prayer and just resting in the Throne Room. It was one of those moments that I didn't want to end. The moments when I feel like it is ok to just REST with Him are so rare but sooo precious.
For the last week, we have watched movies most every night. I fall asleep within the first five minutes of most all of them. One night, Gabe put on Princess Bride right after I woke up from the movie that I had watched earlier with Celeste. We sat down to watch it together with a nice sized group of people and apparently I didn't even make it to the sword fight (one of my favorite scenes). Everyone left the room one by one and Gabe turned the movie off when he realized that he was the only one watching it. Today I made up for it and watched the movie in it's entireity for the millionth time - staying awake only because my headache refused sleep to blissfully claim me.
I love peppermint tea, chicken soup, and Sprite. I miss your soup, Stan. This was good but not the same. Yes, I made mine from scratch, too. I can't eat the canned stuff anymore... spoiled baby.

You stand beside me.
You do not move or sway.
You never leave...
never go away.

You hold me close.
Your grip so tight.
You keep me safe...
in darkest night.

You are Father.
You are peace.
You are Savior...
sick sin release.

Your always true.
Your Word is pure.
You give hope...
eternal life secure.

You run to rescue.
You died for me.
Forgive them...
Your only plea.

You are Master.
You are grace.
You are safe...
You've run the race.

Thank you Father.
Thank you Savior.
Thank you Lord.
Rescued me...
from myself and so much more.

So, I figured it might be wise to post my testimony on here for those of you who may not know it already. There is a VERY real reason why the LDS specificially are the people that I work with and a lot of that has to do with my story.

I grew up as a military brat, always moving and constantly the new kid up until my family moved to Maine. I was almost always in church of some kind, usually Southern Baptist, and was always a leader in my youth group and with my peers and the little kiddos. I was the ideal little christian girl...

Backing up by about 10 years, I was also dedicated when I was a baby to something called Rainbow. This group is connected to a very old fraternal organization called Masonry. Masonry goes back in my family on my mom's side for countless generations. The one who got me involved was my grandfather - I joined under his name. So, I was dedicated as an infant and then when I was 11 I made the choice to actually officially join the order. I was involved for 11 years, going up in rank and authority until I finally was the leader of my own group and a representative to others around the world.

Let me take a second and explain what Rainbow and Masonry are. Masonry derives it's roots from the building of Solomon's Temple. The methods used in stone masonry were used also in rituals that were performed to give significance and symbolism to each part of the building process. It was formed to create a brotherhood and union between the men and involves oaths and vows, made upon the Holy Bible and whatever other scriptures the men of the order subscribe to. The Masons believe in the Great Architect - who is the Higher Power and Supreme Being. They believe that through progression of degrees and rituals - learning to understand the significance and symbolism behind each degree or practice, they can attain enlightenment. Very similarily to the LDS doctrine, there is a LOT of works based beliefs in the Masonic teaching. Masonry has a lot of different beliefs mixed into it but will claim to just be a fraternal organization - a social or business club. A lot of people join for the benefits of the oath. If you make a vow to someone with blood, usually you keep it and that entices a lot of business deals to be made within the membership. Most people don't actually go very deep into the organization because they are satisfied with the social benefits. Eastern Star, Rainbow, and Demolay are all branches from Masonry created to make it a more family oriented enviroment. Everyone works together for enlightenment. Sounds all nice and commune style. But there is a lot of witchcraft involved in the rituals, a lot of Masonic beliefs extend into Mormonism - (Joseph Smith was a Mason), and a lot of New Age'y relativistic, Buddhist ideas as well.

Ok, now that that part is out of the way, I can continue my story. So... I was involved in Rainbow. Joined at age 11 by way of initiation. This is a series of rituals that span over the course of almost an hour and a half. It is messed up and you usually don't remember a thing after it is over. But by the time I got out of Rainbow, I knew it all by heart because I was responsible for the initiations of countless other girls. Literally... countless. I helped all over the state. I was good at what I did and I did it a lot. My grandfather on my dad's side joined Masonry in order to share that fraternal Masonic connection with me.


I was in church and I was in Rainbow. I was a hypocrite because they did not match up with their doctrines or beliefs or practices. Along comes high school. I am at the top of my game in Rainbow and in church youth group - mission trips and youth camps galore. I also am involved in AFJROTC because I wanted the scholarship for college. Besides, being a military brat, it meant a lot to me to support the military endeavors. What I ended up doing was getting in with a bunch of gays and lesbians and bi-sexual kids who all pressured me to change my lifestyle. It did not happen but I did do a lot of research on all of the religions that they professed. And most of that involved Wicca and some other weird messed up forms of witchcraft or New Age crap. All of these competing ideas and beliefs in my head were enough to make me scream. That equaled out to be three separate lives that I was living by this point.

I had yet another life. I was abused by a babysitter when I was five. He was about 14 and had found his dad's porn. He used the porn and me to experience whatever sick pleasures he decided to one evening. This was not as severe as some of the issues that some have faced, but it was enough to make a permenant impact on me. I remember every single detail of that night and it haunted me in nightmares for countless nights afterward. As a result, I ended up pretty self-destructive but only in ways that you could not visibly see. My pain was expressed without cutting or any visible signs because I had to continue to be the poster Rainbow girl. Rainbow girls need to look perfect. Always.

God is crazy cool. He put an incredibly strong desire in my heart for children and for teaching. I was able to do some classes in high school pertaining to this concentration and later was able to go to a Christian college - LeTourneau University. Don't ask me where the desire came from to go to a Christian school because I still don't know. I was involved in church still, so my guess is that I thought I was a Christian - why not go to a Christian school? All I know is that God led me to LU where my life literally flipped upside down.

I left Maine and went to Texas for college. My decision was not very well recieved by my family because of the distance but I had been traveling on my own since I was about 12 so it did not really bother me to be so far away. God immediately surrounded me with some AMAZING Christian women on my dorm floor who lived out their lives on a daily basis with God. I saw some of them at their darkest points and saw them make the choice to fall MORE in love with God rather than get angry at Him. The peace that these girls had was crazy. I did not understand it at all. I started asking questions and who better to ask than the crazy goth chaplain named Kate? ;) So, we became friends. According to her version, I became a leach and she couldn't get rid of me and ended up liking me. She lived a life of faith and obedience to Christ and it was free from the WORKS that I had grown up with. The good things she did were an outflow of her love for Christ. That was insane. Seriously. Who does good things because they want to? Really, I was baffled. I signed up for a spring break missions trip thinking I would go to Mexico and work with little kids and use my five years of Spanish classes. No. I was sent to Utah. Suck.


So... I get to Utah and come face to face for the first time with the reality of what I had been involved in. I saw Mormonism for what it really was by seeing the Art and History museum and Temple Square. I went through and did a TON of research and knew without a doubt that I did not agree with LDS doctrines. But I was standing smack dab in front of a sign that had the Masonic All-Seeing-Eye on it. Whattha? Masonic symbols don't belong here, I was thinking. Then I got really really scared because I realized for the first time that there was something seriously wrong with my beliefs.


I came back from spring break pretty upset and jumpy. Spoke with Kate many times and as the spring turned to summer, I went back to Maine for break. Kate continued to talk to me online each night while we both worked at factories on graveyard shift. We were talking one evening in June and she sent me a copy of a story that she had been writing. It was her testimony in story form and she prayed over each section before writing it to be sure that she wrote the words that God had for her. She prayed over this one section but it wasn't really part of her story. She sent it to me to review and said that she was told by God to write it but that it was kind of odd to her. I read it and immediately realized why. It wasn't Kate's story, it was mine. It was describing my assembly hall and my rituals. I was involved both in Rainbow and Eastern Star (the older version for adult women) by this time and what she wrote depicted perfectly what I did. It was intense. I was blown away. And in tears. I told Kate that I needed to do something because this was all wrong. She said that I needed to choose between God and Rainbow. That night I chose God. I chose grace and truth. God washed me out. It was one of the hardest and most incredible nights I can ever remember.

Things did not get better immediately. Infact, it took about a year before my "spiritual bootcamp" finally was over. It was incredibly hard. I was engaged prior to college and my engagement broke off. It was an unhealthy relationship and God decided it was also a distraction from the attention He desired from me. My grandfather who joined Masonry to be with me died of a stroke that was brought on at a Masonic function. And my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And... I still had yet to tell my family that I had made the most important decision of my life. Ugh... It was my hell year. And oddly enough, God was closer that year than ever before or since. He was right there. I remember one night crying and crying in Speer Chapel (this one place we would go to pray and sing at LU) and God spoke to me and said basically, "Look, I gave everything for you. You need to be willing to give everything for me. I am enough for you. Trust me." It was insanely difficult to give in to those words, but as always, He was right.

God sent me back to Utah and allowed me the chance to see the potential for ministry He had given my by rescuing me from myself. I could understand in a unique way the stories of the former Mormons and the current LDS who were scared to leave the church because of losing their families or the doctrines of works. I identified with these people and fell in love with them. God has since continued to grow my love and understanding for the Mormons and allowed the chance to continue working with them both in our town in Texas and here in Utah. Every year for spring break we have come up here to Chip and Jamie's and been able to minister. Most all of my close friends have joined in this ministry and we were able to work together. That was how I was discipled - by being thrown into a full time mission field and being at LU and at my church in Texas - Crossroads.

God used my best friend, Kate, to rescue me and she became my sister, taking me in when I had no where to go. My family pretty much told me that if I did not agree with their beliefs that I could go ahead and leave. I was told this several times. There is a lot of anger and brokenness still in my family.

My story is not even close to being as tragic as some but it has been a crazy ride for me. Sooooo much healing has taken place and it has all been because of a crazy awesome Holy and Mighty God. One that is big enough to fix even my largest and dumbest mistakes. God gave me family when I had none. He gave me food when I was running out of money. He gave me shelter when I had no place to go. He gave me education and He gave me an entirely new life. You have no idea how amazing it has been. :)

Zach, Brolin, Ben, Candice - all left or leaving.

There have been entirely too many goodbyes lately. Texas... here... I do not like it. Thank God for cell phones and email... but it really does not even come close to making up for the in person-thing.

I am going to miss a lot of people.

Amazing dinner. Play time with Braegs. Got off work in plenty of time to be productive. Why do I feel so empty and dry? Yet, ironically enough, my eyes are still full of salty wet. I need lotion... for the insides. Cracked and bleeding.

Another quiet night with Norah Jones. Seeing Deeds today was needed. Seriously.

I am in need of familiar. And normal. And Home. I disgust myself. I have been given my DREAM ministry and I am sooooo discontent. God, rescue me from me. And heal the broken places.

I have always had issues with the word "Home." It's definetion is very illusive to me. I have a hard time calling a place "home" - for one, I haven't really ever stayed in one place at a time for a long period of time. I also would like to define it as the place where you can be you - loved, accepted, and completely unconditional. Where you are known and know the ones that you are with.

I moved to Texas in the fall of 2003. I became a Christian during the summer of 2004 while in Maine for break. And my discipleship began the instant that I was back in Texas after that summer. Life was insane. And the people who became family to me were the ones who were there during the next preceding five plus years of school and work and life, most of which occurred in Texas. I learned what it is to live in and have community - to be known by a group of people who love as Christ loves and who see me as He sees me. I learned what it was like to KNOW people - a big deal for a military brat who never really stuck around long enough to get to know anyone. And I learned what it was like to live as a Christian - a life of ministry and chaos. Way too many epic adventures.

That's what I miss. The people that I "grew up" with (as a Christian) are the ones that are still in Texas. And I honestly did NOT want to return to Utah after this trip. Texas, specifically Crossroads, Kate, LeTourneau, the Walters, the Carls, and Kate's mom, and the others - they are home.

And no matter how much I want it to be, Utah is not home yet to me. There is a ministry here that I KNOW that I belong in, I KNOW these are the people that I am called to be with - these lost and so incredibly broken people... But, knowing this does not mean that it is what "I" want. Not all the time, anyway. Life is very different here. Please don't misunderstand, it is NOT all bad. I am currently sitting next to some of my favorite people here, ones that I love dearly. And when I am doing the ministry that I am called to - working with the little kids at the school and getting the opportunity at work or at the cafe to explain what Grace and Truth are... there is nothing that can compare. It is hard, though. Because here, you have to watch your words, you have to be on your guard at all times. And the amount of eyes and ears around... sometimes you get overwhelmed.

And try as I might, it will take time to know the people here and to be known by the people here in a way that is even close to as intimate as the ones in Utah. We are so much farther along now than we were at the beginning and that will continue to grow into deep relationships....

But yeah... at the end of it all... I am homesick.