So, I figured it might be wise to post my testimony on here for those of you who may not know it already. There is a VERY real reason why the LDS specificially are the people that I work with and a lot of that has to do with my story.

I grew up as a military brat, always moving and constantly the new kid up until my family moved to Maine. I was almost always in church of some kind, usually Southern Baptist, and was always a leader in my youth group and with my peers and the little kiddos. I was the ideal little christian girl...

Backing up by about 10 years, I was also dedicated when I was a baby to something called Rainbow. This group is connected to a very old fraternal organization called Masonry. Masonry goes back in my family on my mom's side for countless generations. The one who got me involved was my grandfather - I joined under his name. So, I was dedicated as an infant and then when I was 11 I made the choice to actually officially join the order. I was involved for 11 years, going up in rank and authority until I finally was the leader of my own group and a representative to others around the world.

Let me take a second and explain what Rainbow and Masonry are. Masonry derives it's roots from the building of Solomon's Temple. The methods used in stone masonry were used also in rituals that were performed to give significance and symbolism to each part of the building process. It was formed to create a brotherhood and union between the men and involves oaths and vows, made upon the Holy Bible and whatever other scriptures the men of the order subscribe to. The Masons believe in the Great Architect - who is the Higher Power and Supreme Being. They believe that through progression of degrees and rituals - learning to understand the significance and symbolism behind each degree or practice, they can attain enlightenment. Very similarily to the LDS doctrine, there is a LOT of works based beliefs in the Masonic teaching. Masonry has a lot of different beliefs mixed into it but will claim to just be a fraternal organization - a social or business club. A lot of people join for the benefits of the oath. If you make a vow to someone with blood, usually you keep it and that entices a lot of business deals to be made within the membership. Most people don't actually go very deep into the organization because they are satisfied with the social benefits. Eastern Star, Rainbow, and Demolay are all branches from Masonry created to make it a more family oriented enviroment. Everyone works together for enlightenment. Sounds all nice and commune style. But there is a lot of witchcraft involved in the rituals, a lot of Masonic beliefs extend into Mormonism - (Joseph Smith was a Mason), and a lot of New Age'y relativistic, Buddhist ideas as well.

Ok, now that that part is out of the way, I can continue my story. So... I was involved in Rainbow. Joined at age 11 by way of initiation. This is a series of rituals that span over the course of almost an hour and a half. It is messed up and you usually don't remember a thing after it is over. But by the time I got out of Rainbow, I knew it all by heart because I was responsible for the initiations of countless other girls. Literally... countless. I helped all over the state. I was good at what I did and I did it a lot. My grandfather on my dad's side joined Masonry in order to share that fraternal Masonic connection with me.


I was in church and I was in Rainbow. I was a hypocrite because they did not match up with their doctrines or beliefs or practices. Along comes high school. I am at the top of my game in Rainbow and in church youth group - mission trips and youth camps galore. I also am involved in AFJROTC because I wanted the scholarship for college. Besides, being a military brat, it meant a lot to me to support the military endeavors. What I ended up doing was getting in with a bunch of gays and lesbians and bi-sexual kids who all pressured me to change my lifestyle. It did not happen but I did do a lot of research on all of the religions that they professed. And most of that involved Wicca and some other weird messed up forms of witchcraft or New Age crap. All of these competing ideas and beliefs in my head were enough to make me scream. That equaled out to be three separate lives that I was living by this point.

I had yet another life. I was abused by a babysitter when I was five. He was about 14 and had found his dad's porn. He used the porn and me to experience whatever sick pleasures he decided to one evening. This was not as severe as some of the issues that some have faced, but it was enough to make a permenant impact on me. I remember every single detail of that night and it haunted me in nightmares for countless nights afterward. As a result, I ended up pretty self-destructive but only in ways that you could not visibly see. My pain was expressed without cutting or any visible signs because I had to continue to be the poster Rainbow girl. Rainbow girls need to look perfect. Always.

God is crazy cool. He put an incredibly strong desire in my heart for children and for teaching. I was able to do some classes in high school pertaining to this concentration and later was able to go to a Christian college - LeTourneau University. Don't ask me where the desire came from to go to a Christian school because I still don't know. I was involved in church still, so my guess is that I thought I was a Christian - why not go to a Christian school? All I know is that God led me to LU where my life literally flipped upside down.

I left Maine and went to Texas for college. My decision was not very well recieved by my family because of the distance but I had been traveling on my own since I was about 12 so it did not really bother me to be so far away. God immediately surrounded me with some AMAZING Christian women on my dorm floor who lived out their lives on a daily basis with God. I saw some of them at their darkest points and saw them make the choice to fall MORE in love with God rather than get angry at Him. The peace that these girls had was crazy. I did not understand it at all. I started asking questions and who better to ask than the crazy goth chaplain named Kate? ;) So, we became friends. According to her version, I became a leach and she couldn't get rid of me and ended up liking me. She lived a life of faith and obedience to Christ and it was free from the WORKS that I had grown up with. The good things she did were an outflow of her love for Christ. That was insane. Seriously. Who does good things because they want to? Really, I was baffled. I signed up for a spring break missions trip thinking I would go to Mexico and work with little kids and use my five years of Spanish classes. No. I was sent to Utah. Suck.


So... I get to Utah and come face to face for the first time with the reality of what I had been involved in. I saw Mormonism for what it really was by seeing the Art and History museum and Temple Square. I went through and did a TON of research and knew without a doubt that I did not agree with LDS doctrines. But I was standing smack dab in front of a sign that had the Masonic All-Seeing-Eye on it. Whattha? Masonic symbols don't belong here, I was thinking. Then I got really really scared because I realized for the first time that there was something seriously wrong with my beliefs.


I came back from spring break pretty upset and jumpy. Spoke with Kate many times and as the spring turned to summer, I went back to Maine for break. Kate continued to talk to me online each night while we both worked at factories on graveyard shift. We were talking one evening in June and she sent me a copy of a story that she had been writing. It was her testimony in story form and she prayed over each section before writing it to be sure that she wrote the words that God had for her. She prayed over this one section but it wasn't really part of her story. She sent it to me to review and said that she was told by God to write it but that it was kind of odd to her. I read it and immediately realized why. It wasn't Kate's story, it was mine. It was describing my assembly hall and my rituals. I was involved both in Rainbow and Eastern Star (the older version for adult women) by this time and what she wrote depicted perfectly what I did. It was intense. I was blown away. And in tears. I told Kate that I needed to do something because this was all wrong. She said that I needed to choose between God and Rainbow. That night I chose God. I chose grace and truth. God washed me out. It was one of the hardest and most incredible nights I can ever remember.

Things did not get better immediately. Infact, it took about a year before my "spiritual bootcamp" finally was over. It was incredibly hard. I was engaged prior to college and my engagement broke off. It was an unhealthy relationship and God decided it was also a distraction from the attention He desired from me. My grandfather who joined Masonry to be with me died of a stroke that was brought on at a Masonic function. And my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And... I still had yet to tell my family that I had made the most important decision of my life. Ugh... It was my hell year. And oddly enough, God was closer that year than ever before or since. He was right there. I remember one night crying and crying in Speer Chapel (this one place we would go to pray and sing at LU) and God spoke to me and said basically, "Look, I gave everything for you. You need to be willing to give everything for me. I am enough for you. Trust me." It was insanely difficult to give in to those words, but as always, He was right.

God sent me back to Utah and allowed me the chance to see the potential for ministry He had given my by rescuing me from myself. I could understand in a unique way the stories of the former Mormons and the current LDS who were scared to leave the church because of losing their families or the doctrines of works. I identified with these people and fell in love with them. God has since continued to grow my love and understanding for the Mormons and allowed the chance to continue working with them both in our town in Texas and here in Utah. Every year for spring break we have come up here to Chip and Jamie's and been able to minister. Most all of my close friends have joined in this ministry and we were able to work together. That was how I was discipled - by being thrown into a full time mission field and being at LU and at my church in Texas - Crossroads.

God used my best friend, Kate, to rescue me and she became my sister, taking me in when I had no where to go. My family pretty much told me that if I did not agree with their beliefs that I could go ahead and leave. I was told this several times. There is a lot of anger and brokenness still in my family.

My story is not even close to being as tragic as some but it has been a crazy ride for me. Sooooo much healing has taken place and it has all been because of a crazy awesome Holy and Mighty God. One that is big enough to fix even my largest and dumbest mistakes. God gave me family when I had none. He gave me food when I was running out of money. He gave me shelter when I had no place to go. He gave me education and He gave me an entirely new life. You have no idea how amazing it has been. :)