I have always had issues with the word "Home." It's definetion is very illusive to me. I have a hard time calling a place "home" - for one, I haven't really ever stayed in one place at a time for a long period of time. I also would like to define it as the place where you can be you - loved, accepted, and completely unconditional. Where you are known and know the ones that you are with.

I moved to Texas in the fall of 2003. I became a Christian during the summer of 2004 while in Maine for break. And my discipleship began the instant that I was back in Texas after that summer. Life was insane. And the people who became family to me were the ones who were there during the next preceding five plus years of school and work and life, most of which occurred in Texas. I learned what it is to live in and have community - to be known by a group of people who love as Christ loves and who see me as He sees me. I learned what it was like to KNOW people - a big deal for a military brat who never really stuck around long enough to get to know anyone. And I learned what it was like to live as a Christian - a life of ministry and chaos. Way too many epic adventures.

That's what I miss. The people that I "grew up" with (as a Christian) are the ones that are still in Texas. And I honestly did NOT want to return to Utah after this trip. Texas, specifically Crossroads, Kate, LeTourneau, the Walters, the Carls, and Kate's mom, and the others - they are home.

And no matter how much I want it to be, Utah is not home yet to me. There is a ministry here that I KNOW that I belong in, I KNOW these are the people that I am called to be with - these lost and so incredibly broken people... But, knowing this does not mean that it is what "I" want. Not all the time, anyway. Life is very different here. Please don't misunderstand, it is NOT all bad. I am currently sitting next to some of my favorite people here, ones that I love dearly. And when I am doing the ministry that I am called to - working with the little kids at the school and getting the opportunity at work or at the cafe to explain what Grace and Truth are... there is nothing that can compare. It is hard, though. Because here, you have to watch your words, you have to be on your guard at all times. And the amount of eyes and ears around... sometimes you get overwhelmed.

And try as I might, it will take time to know the people here and to be known by the people here in a way that is even close to as intimate as the ones in Utah. We are so much farther along now than we were at the beginning and that will continue to grow into deep relationships....

But yeah... at the end of it all... I am homesick.