The song says, "In Christ alone, my hope is found. Let it be said of me, in every victory, in Christ alone is my source of help, my strength." - I want this to be true. How much I want it... But the reality is that often, I don't have many victories. More often, I screw up. I did that recently. Pretty badly. Pretty big. And I have done nothing but cry and pray since. Literally... my throat is so sore (combination of crying and the dry Utah air...).

He is ENOUGH. And at times, I really wish He would step in and say, "That's enough." Because I often am not good at judging that point in time... when enough is enough and it is time to sit down and shut my mouth. But even in that, even in my mistakes, He is still enough. That is hard for me to comprehend at times.

I almost didn't want to post again for awhile, just because I am still not sure how things will turn out or what's going to happen. I know that I messed up. I have asked for forgiveness and I have no clue what else to do. How amazing my God is, that He never gets to a point where He doesn't know. He can fix even this. Even this mistake, this brokenness, and even those that I hurt and me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10 were our floor verses for G1 my first year at LU. I cherish those verses so much for so many reasons. I feel so weak so often and yet, it really doesn't matter because He is always strong. And He will ALWAYS make good things come of the circumstances that we find ourselves in. Our God won't give up.

I was reading a blog today called Bring the Rain. I found it on Kelly's blog linked on one of her old posts and decided on a whim to open it. Man... in the midst of the anguish that this woman must have gone through, I could feel a bandaid being put on me. I continued to pray for the ones that I hurt and for God to work out in it all and as I did, I watched this lady's story unfold of what God has done for her. I almost NEVER read random blogs, especially of people that I don't know. But this one... you should check it out.

Yesterday, the first thing when I walked into work, a customer yelled at me. She had been poorly treated in the back of the store by a different associate. I have no idea what happened but she demanded to see a manager and to have the problem corrected - as she had every right to. She then asked me to cash out her mountainous basket of leftover-Christmas goodies at the customer service desk. I am not allowed to cash out more than a couple of items at my counter because it is not equipped to handle large quantities. We are set up for refunds, not purchases. She got very upset with me for my refusal. I politely sent her to another register, one that had an incredibly short line for that time of day (this was during the busy stretch of the evening) and explained why I could not check her out at my register. Eventually, the manager came up and helped the woman to calm down and relieve her anxiety about whatever had transpired before I arrived.

I tell you this story, because I find that I am like this ALL the time with God. It is a habit that I desperately want to break and one that I bet if you were honest, you probably have as well. We feel mistreated by someone, we didn't get what we think we deserve or want and we demand justice. Then while waiting on God, we continue to berate and belittle those around us in attempts to make ourselves feel better, thus taking that justice into our own hands. The woman yelling at me did nothing to help her own situation or to make her feel better. And when someone who COULD help her was able to do so, she was still ungrateful. What I deserve from God and what He has given me are totally different. Help me to remember to always be grateful.

Another day, a woman came in and just started venting to me about a product that she wanted but could not find. I could not help the woman because we do not sell the product in our store. So I just listened. All the woman really needed was an ear. She had a long day and she has a family and she has this and that issue waiting for her and this one little product was just one more straw on the camel's back. She just wanted someone to listen. Thank you, Father, for being my ear.

And last story... last night. A gentleman who was not incredibly gentlemanly-like came in and stated that his pizza box said "Love it or your money back." I don't know what idiot put that on the box but because they did, we were bound to give him his money back. I personally think if you can eat half the pizza surely you can say that you enjoyed it enough to swallow but... hey, who am I to argue? The point is that because he did not get EXACTLY what he wanted, he was asking for a refund. For some reason, we think we have a right to this. We pay for. We expect something. We don't get what we expect and we want our money back. But have we ever really thought about what we are paying for? What HE offers me is so much more but because I don't get what I think I need or want and because I don't always love it, I at times hear myself demanding my money back. Except... what have I ever given to begin with? Seriously...

Anyway... things to think about. It feels like a whirlwind. I can't wait for the dust to settle down so that I can think clearly again... but in the meantime, I am going to keep praying. He is enough.

God has a way of slowing us down when we need it. Today was no exception. I slept pretty much the entire day, called into work, and nursed a very upset stomach and headache. There is no possible way that I could have the pain tolerance needed to survive Kate's migraines. I am such a pansy.
Last night, we had a jam session and just played music and sang and read and prayed. It was beautiful and I found myself wishing that I could just stop and stay and not have to DO anything. I was laying there in an inbetween state of awake and asleep and in prayer and just resting in the Throne Room. It was one of those moments that I didn't want to end. The moments when I feel like it is ok to just REST with Him are so rare but sooo precious.
For the last week, we have watched movies most every night. I fall asleep within the first five minutes of most all of them. One night, Gabe put on Princess Bride right after I woke up from the movie that I had watched earlier with Celeste. We sat down to watch it together with a nice sized group of people and apparently I didn't even make it to the sword fight (one of my favorite scenes). Everyone left the room one by one and Gabe turned the movie off when he realized that he was the only one watching it. Today I made up for it and watched the movie in it's entireity for the millionth time - staying awake only because my headache refused sleep to blissfully claim me.
I love peppermint tea, chicken soup, and Sprite. I miss your soup, Stan. This was good but not the same. Yes, I made mine from scratch, too. I can't eat the canned stuff anymore... spoiled baby.

You stand beside me.
You do not move or sway.
You never leave...
never go away.

You hold me close.
Your grip so tight.
You keep me safe...
in darkest night.

You are Father.
You are peace.
You are Savior...
sick sin release.

Your always true.
Your Word is pure.
You give hope...
eternal life secure.

You run to rescue.
You died for me.
Forgive them...
Your only plea.

You are Master.
You are grace.
You are safe...
You've run the race.

Thank you Father.
Thank you Savior.
Thank you Lord.
Rescued me...
from myself and so much more.