After a two-hour delay, some crazy snow, and one more hour delay, and one guy with a crazy staring problem, I am back in Texas. Home.

Saw Brett and Britt and Momma G and my sister tonight. Home.

Hello, my name is Flic and I am a procrastinator. It has been zero minutes since my last procrastinating activity - blogging/email checking. I am putting off cleaning my apartment and packing my things for Texas. Not because I am not insanely ready to be in Texas, but just because I despise packing. With a hardcore violent passion. It really is not fun. No amount of good music or movies can make this incredibly tedious chore better. BUT.... I WILL BE IN TEXAS IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS!!!!!! Woot!

So, cool story. We were donated 1,500$ by an "anonymous" donor for Christmas to make "Christmas" happen for neighbors and people around town. We chose the Girl's home, a co-worker of mine, and one of Kristin's, our neighbors on the street, and a couple of other families. This has been an amazing experience. SOOO much fun. We blitzed Walmart and bought a TON of stuff for people - things that would make for a great family night or a "pamper yourself" evening or whatever we knew those special ones needed. That was crazy. Today the gifts are all being delievered. I am stoked. I am praying hardcore for my coworker and her family. I want the gifts to be well-recieved and enjoyed but more importantly, I really really really want her to know how insanely loved by God she is. This woman is absolutely beautiful - His Light in her is breathtaking. Probably because she is one of the ONLY Christians in our work enviroment and she is in a leadership position so she shines. She is a dear lady.

A was talking to me today. She is sick and was telling me how much she misses us - the Solid Rock group. She is still in the process of leaving behind the cult in order to follow Christ.

Our brief conversation reminded me of that period that I went through after making my decision, too. It felt like for awhile, I talked to Kate and to other Christians ALL The time for a few weeks, but then all of a sudden, I felt sooo incredibly alone and cut-off. That point was when God allowed my decision to solidify. He gave me the chance to be alone, unable to hear Him, or my friends, or anyone, and to see what I am like without the securities of my involvements in everything, or the security of my friend's faith, or anything else really. I broke. And it was the best thing that could have happened. I do not ever want to feel that again. I don't ever want to be that alone. I know there are times, and I have had more than my share of them, when we are cut off and separated but the complete isolation from God and anyone who really knows Love, it hurts so incredibly much. And that was what made me desire Him.

By the way, I will have a few minutes at church when I get back to speak about Utah and everything so let me know what you want to hear and be praying for the right words to say. Some things are hard to adequately express.

It was a lazy day. I slept in. Tonight I work, but only four hours. Everyone is gone today for the most part. Very quiet. A bunch of the guys went to their company Christmas party, and a few of the girl's went up north - I think a couple of the guys joined them. We have had three move out completely - only one of which was for good reasons, and another few who have gone home or on adventures for Christmas break. This is the quiet part... I am sitting in the cafe, listening to Evanescence and whoever else Pandora decides to play and waiting for it to be time for work. Just thinking. I kind of like nights like this, as long as they aren't too often.

I don't always feel social or friendly or active or whatever it is that everyone else seems to have an abundance of. Tonight, I am feeling the quiet and the music. I finished some more of my Christmas shopping today thanks to Gabe. He went with me to Manti to get a few things for some close ones in Texas. I helped him pick out a gift for Braegan while we were at WalMart.

This time next week, I will be in Texas. I wish it were now. I would love to be sitting with my best friend and reading and listening to Evanescence and just quiet. It won't be quiet though, this time next week. I hear we are attending another ballroom dance on Saturday night - so all of my Texans better plan to attend. I need to go because there is someone that I need to meet.

Pray for L.

I love Chip. I was talking to him today about something that needed his "expert" advice on how to handle a situation. He is incredibly unafraid of getting into the mud and muck and dealing with the issues that arise. He mentioned that if the situation were to come to us to handle then we would recieve threats, accusations, and see many broken people. But he wasn't afraid of this possibility, infact, he said perhaps that is what God needs to have happen in order to work on this one. The verses from Hebrews about the Word being sharper than a two-edged sword and then in the Gospels about Christ not coming to bring peace but to divide son and father, daughter and mother and families came to mind. Actually, they have been on my mind pretty consistently lately.

We cannot ever be afraid to present the Gospel, to present TRUTH, to present Hope, because it will divide. Truth is made to divide. It is made to break down. Only in brokenness can healing come. The song "Beauty from Pain" - He will bring beauty from my pain. Not only mine, but that of so so many who have turned against what they have been taught and turned instead to Truth. On the flip side, we can't present Truth without love - Ephesians. Love must be central to all things and family cannot be defined by blood.

No one promised it would be easy. Anyone who thinks that walking with Him will fix all of our problems is blind. The problems just begin. The difference is that we have the answer... and it isn't 42.

"Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant and praise is becoming. The Lord builds up Jerusalem, He gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them. Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite. The Lord supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground. Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; sing praises to our God on the lyre, who covers the heavens with clouds, who provides rain for the earth, who makes grass to grow on the mountains. He gives to the beast its food, and to the young ravens which cry. He does not delight in the strenght of the horse; he does not take pleasure in the legs of a man. The Lord favors in those who fear Him, those who await His lovingkindness. Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem! Praise your God, O Zion! For He has strengthened the bars of your gates; He has blessed your sons within you. He makes peace in your borders; He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. He sends forth His command to the earth; His word runs very swiftlyHe gives snow like wool; He scatters frost like ashes. He casts forth His ice as fragments; who can stand before His cold? He sends forth His word and melts them; He causes His wind to blow and the waters to flow. He declares His words to Jacob, His statutes and His ordinances to Israel. he has not dealt thus with any nation; and as for His ordinances, they have not known them. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 147

My Father is so much bigger than I am. He is perfect. My Father is amazing. I know that is so simply stated, but it is truth and the simple truths often speak the loudest.

I have recently rediscovered Pandora - an online free radio music station that plays whatever band or genre you choose and allows you to adjust the selection to your liking; for the most part, anyway. I miss Kate's computer and ipod with an incredibly wide selection of music. She has some of the best stuff. I used to use her stuff all the time. I love to be surrounded by music, but here, the same things play over and over. And I only have a small selection of my Cd's, therefore, making my appetite for some variety slightly on the larger side. I miss having more variety and I really really miss having Christian radio that plays music and NOT crappy talk shows. But... I have once again decided to not dislike David Crowder. For awhile there, I thought I heard his voice more than anyone elses, but now that we have had a bit of a break, we are back together as friends again. Good to have him back.

Pray for my family and so many others. Lay-offs have started all over the country, as I am sure you know or may have already experienced. My dad got a "two-week lay off for a company shut down." But... they are not promising much and we are not entirely sure. Just pray. And while you are at it, please please pray for my sister, Lindsay. She is leaving tomorrow to head back to New York for more testing and stuff for her follow-up from the brain surgery and then all of the complications that she has had since. The poor kid... she has had so much more than her share. She really just wants to finish school up so she can graduate and go to college. I don't blame the kid one bit.

One of my friends when asked how he was doing, replied by saying that God was clothing him. - meaning that God is taking care of him and preparing him, both simultaneously. I completely understand that response, although at this current moment tonight after work and a trying spiritual day, I would say "drained" would be my response. But, I have experienced being "clothed" by God and can identify with the wonderous feeling of that peace.

He gave me incredible joy this morning. Ironically, as my heart was literally breaking as I watched A's world fall apart. Literally. The joy was because I KNOW with a 100 percent assurance that He is risen, He is King of Kings, Lord of Lords, my Alpha, Omega, and My Savior. There is no question in my mind about where I will be later on or if I am loved or if it will all be okay. I can go through anything now because He isn't going to let me go. I CANNOT wait for A and M and T to know that joy. The steadfastness of peace that comes when the tornado swirls around you and the lightening flashes and the debris flies around and the world turns completely black. I have had my world black. And I still could not escape the Light. How is that for joy?

Drained... so incredibly drained. But man... it is so sweet.

First off, I must shout out to Stormy - who turns 21 today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABE! :)

Secondly, WE HAVE SNOW! Not much. Hardly any, really. But enough that all of my Texans would be excited. Actually, as of now, it looks a lot like a Texas snowfall but I have been promised a lot more to come. This is just the beginning of the first "real" winter in over 5 years for both Gareth and myself. Very very very excited. I love snow. I am excited to use the scoopers to shovel for people. :D That was always my favorite. I honestly enjoyed shoveling. Usually, I would sing praise songs and shovel and before I realized it, I would have completed not only my own driveway and sidewalk but our neighbors as well. Backbreaking if you don't do it correctly - whole lifting thing, but sooooo much fun. :)

Keep praying for A and M and their family. They are going through a lot - as is always the case when you leave a cult behind.

16 days until I am in Texas. WOOT. I am so excited! Better have your bear hugs ready.

OoOOOH! I have some quite exciting news. Well, exciting for me. See, my apartment has a funky heater. It is working now, but as of a week ago, we were waking up to 54 or 56 degrees indoors. Colder inside at night than outside at times. We shoulda gone camping. Anyway, Kate found out about this slight issue and decided to be incredibly kind and now I have a BEAUTIFUL blue/khaki reversible down comforter on my bed. I have always wanted one. So Merry Christmas to me! Do I have the coolest best friend or what? Seriously, the kid also got me a coat to keep me warm. I guess she was afraid Texas thinned my blood out and doesn't want me to freeze. I will post pictures later.

As much as I do not like the rush when it is busy at Walmart, pray for more business if you can. If we do not get more shoppers and sales, then we have to start cutting back and having someone get laid off at the holidays would just suck. Right now they are cutting hours by a half or hour increments but the next step would be to fire a few employees. I am fairly safe because I am a front-end worker and am trained for 2 different positions and being trained for a 3rd, but there are a lot of employees who have families who cannot afford to lose their job. Especially since the store is the biggest employer in town.

After a long fast from David Crowder (he gets a little overplayed on our stereo here), I am currently enjoying his music again. :) Makes me smile. But soon we will have to swap him and his cool shoes out for some Christmas music. I have a tree to decorate in the front entry-room. So much fun!

Yay for Tuesdays and days off from work and days to work in the cafe and working heaters and an incredibly amazing awesome and mighty Gracious God!

There are 19 days until I am back in good ole' Tejas. :) I am stoked. You have no idea. I was ordered to return to Utah after my trip but right now, I am just concentrating on the Texas part. I cannot WAIT to see you guys. Seriously.

Pray for my little sister still. Lindsay has swelling on both optic nerves and on the discs in the back of her eye causing vision problems and migraines - which may or may not be related to the arnold chiari. And she is being tested for another possible disease - ehler's danlos syndrome. That is the way that she spelled it, so if I am incorrect, let me know. If they decide to test her for that, she will need to go to Maryland for the testing. She is headed to New York this Friday for a follow-up appointment with the doctors from her surgery and to get some answers about the vision issues, possibly scheduling the Maryland trip. They (my parents, Lindsay, and my sister Mandy and my gram) are going to spend a few extra days in NY to see the Christmas decorations and everything. They are super excited about that part of the trip. I think that is the extent of their Christmas this year, but it will be a nice trip.

Please pray for my family and for myself. This is my first Christmas away from home. And I am not dealing well with it. I am focusing on Texas and kind of ignoring Christmas for that very reason. I honestly LOVE Christmas at my parents, even though things usually don't go well with my family all the time. You know the story. It is rough because I am different now. Very different. But the amount of love for them has only increased since I became a Christian. And no matter how much I love the Thompsons, this is not family. Not in the same sense.

Which explains why I am so excited about Texas, too. :)

As far as ministry goes, keep praying for A and M and their family. I will explain more later in person. Pray as always for T - still on my heart all the time. And Jo from work - her son is still dealing with a ton of crap. Poor kid is physically sicker than anyone I know - and I know a lot of sick kids... *coughkatecough*

Work is alright right now. Nothing special but more opportunities to talk. I like that. :)

College house is kinda down right now. There is some internal stuff going on and they are dealing with it and most people are feeling the tension. And we kinda had a bust for a float at the holiday parade. It was an amazing concept for the float but it didn't work well. So, our message - His Message- kinda got diminished a bit. It was really disappointing for all of us but especially Chip. He called the whole thing "retarded." He is doing much better today, though. I think we need the Christmas break to kinda re-coup and get our bearings back.

Anyway, it is dead quiet in here, everyone is in bed or playing halo upstairs in the guys dorm or whatever. So... I am going to go to bed or find a movie or a book or something fun. Sleep well, Texas. I will see you soon.

Please pray for A and her family. Trying to leave the cult behind. God is so great. :)

More on other things later. Pray for K.J. and her family - friends from LU.

Thanksgiving! :) God has been so faithful! I prayed for compassion and patience at work and strength and energy and the chance to be a light. I spent the entire day with the exception of one particularly foul customer in a great mood and actually was given the opportunity to remind several people that holidays were not about stuffing their faces or about stress but something far greater. And it was so cool. I really enjoyed being at work today. How often can we say that? :)

Pray for T. So much there. He is in need of Christ in the biggest way.

Tomorrow we will be having dinner in the evening sometime after Travis and I both get off work. Dinner will be at the Thompsons. Actually, so will breakfast (brunch, really - 11am), then work from 230-630, and then dinna. Then just to hang out. Until an early bedtime because I am going to work at 5-freakin'-am on Friday so that all the crazies can buy their Christmas gifts. Then, after I get off work at 9am, I will run away with some of the guys and Deeds (hopefully) to go up North and play for awhile. Excited about that. I am thinking it sounds like a great weekend. And that's still just the end of the week itself.

Guess what guess what guess what! :) I will be in Texas this time in exactly one month! WOOOOOT! So stoked. :D

Saturday was an awesome day. I went "up north" with Zach, Rusty, and Gabe. We just hung out for awhile - Dessert Industries - the absolute largest thrift store that I have ever been to. Think Walmart supercenter sized. Seriously crazy. It was so good to just go away for awhile and not be here. It felt very LU-like because it was 1 girl and 3 guys, but not odd or awkward. Just good.

Today, I am dragging. There is a weight. I can't name it but I can feel it. My shoulders physically ache and my spirit is quiet. I slept last night and dreamed of the people that I have been given to minister to the entire time. Over and over again, they came through my mind, images that would not go away. But the weight that I feel tonight is not totally connected to that. Like I said, I can't name it.

This week will be an intense one for work. We are and have been super busy but this week is the start of the craziest of all for us. I work almost every day for at least a few hours but each shift feels like much longer when you have customers haggling with you over prices. It will be an opportunity to show grace and compassion. And patience. Pray that God grants them to me. Hopefully, without too many troublemaker customers to cause the need for it. You know what I mean. :)

Check out 1 Peter 2:6-10. Our sermon passage today. It was intense.

I itch to write. I had a poem the other day that the Spirit gave me but I unfortunately, never stopped to write it out and now it is just a figment on the corners of my mind waiting for the right words for expression. My brain is incapable of thinking of words to say what I have been processing. I feel like there are so many things going through and yet not really much at the same time.

I keep catching myself doing little things and thinking about how incredible certain things are - earlier I was raking leaves and I was thinking about the design of the rake and then I used my fingers to rake a few of them into a little pile to load them into the wheelbarrow. That caused me to think, Hmm, bet this is where the idea for the rake came from. Wonder how God came up with His design for fingers. You know, the little things, where He stops you and says "Yo, Look at ME! See me here, princess. You are mine but more importantly, I am yours and I AM. Look. Just shut up, stop and look. How amazing is my creation?! How amazing am I?" It isn't a long pause or even one that really stops your day. Just the ones that cause you to sit for a moment and be like "wow..."

Kind of funny, because at the same time, I feel so close to my complete and total self-absorbed'ness. It is all about me. All the time. Seriously. And it makes me ill. Father, heal me from myself. Satan is so good at placing in the smallest distraction but he really doesn't have to do much because I end up my own worst enemy.

I am so desparate. For T, and my other co-workers, and the girls that I have spoken with. I ache physically even for them to KNOW and to understand. Life is so incredibly empty. Solomon had it so right... meaningless. Vanity. Without Christ - it is all worthless. Please pray. Salvation is so close but still so far because they do not WANT it yet. Pray for desire for Christ.

Desire for Christ. I want to desire Christ more. I do not desire what I should. Help me, Father, to want you.

I HAVE PLANE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!! I will be in Longview after Christmas and I CANNOT WAIT! Now I need to find a ride to and from the airport in Salt Lake. Which could be interesting since the Solid Rock group will be leaving for a backpacking trip the same day that I fly out. But that is a minor detail. I HAVE TICKETS!!!! :) Thanks go to Kate for her awesomeness. :D

Jazz Night - Gobble till You Wobble. 8pm MT, Nov. 13th. Snow College Jazz band. Please pray.
Pray for K, T, S, Sa.
Pray for me. Please.

Well here at the college house, just like everywhere, people are a-buzz with excitement about Obama winning the election. We have heard both good and bad, definitely a mixed group of opinions. My personal opinions need to be kept to myself, as I will be honest and tell you that I did not invest a ton of research into this election. Normally, I would have. This year... just didn't happen. Don't lecture me about the responsibilities that we have as Christians who can vote. I am fully aware.

People are going nuts either way. I like what one of our guys, Tyrone, said. He told me that he views it that either we will get out of debt as a nation or the end of the world will come but either way, as believers, we are covered. Pretty cool point. ;)

Anyway, we are officially the sick house now. There are four of us with the "crud". Delightful stuff, I'll tell ya. At night you can hear us hacking up our lungs while attempting to catch a few moments of sleep.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS! A good friend of mine has expressed that she can see God working in her and around her and here at the cafe. She is LDS and was raised both in the Christian church and the LDS church. Imagine the confusion that would go along with that. Pray that God would keep working and that her eyes would remain open and the Spirit gives her ears to hear and understand.

My coworker's son seems to be doing better, as well. So thank you!!!!!! so much for your prayers. They are helping!!!!!!!!! He is sooo faithful.

Prayer requests for today: the good friend, health, finances. And it might be wise to pray as a unified body for our country. The big thing on my heart would be all of you - far away. I know that my best friend is one of the ones that remains on my heart constantly. Encourage and uplift each other and know that my love is with you. I miss you guys. Hardcore. Pray for each other.

We are studying here what it means to be the church - the body of Christ. It is affecting the way we all interact and the way we pray. Very very very cool. I know Crossroads isn't perfect, but that church was where I first saw the community of Christ outside of the LU-once-in-a-lifetime-community. I am finally starting to see it here as well. It is EXCITING.

It is probably high time for an update so here I am. Things are pretty quiet right now. Chip and Jamie, Mitz and Junelle (two converts), are all gone on a missions conference to PA to raise support - prayer, financial, and hopefully, volunteers. They are also visiting Jamie's family up there. Pray for safe travel for them.

This past week was fun. We had a Harvest party at church for the little kiddos on Halloween. They came and played games and got far more candy than they could ever eat or need. So did our guys, for that matter. Gabe left with a HUGE bucket full of chocolate. I was a little bummed, because an old friend of Kate and I, BJ was there but I missed seeing him. I am hoping to reconnect with him soon, though. Kate, PRAY. :)

My major prayer request right now is for health. Randee, (one of my roommates) and I are both sick. Pretty sure I have a sinus infection and I am not sure what hers is but something along those lines as well. Neither of us have health insurance and no money for a doctor's visit, so... life sucks when your throat hurts, your eyes and nose run leaky, and the stuff coming out is funny colored. Sigh... Probably too much information, but seriously, please pray hardcore. Being sick is bad enough, but having to work even when you are sick because you don't have money, and can't get medicine is even worse. Green tea with honey and lemon, water, orange juice, tissues, antihistiamine (for the allergies that are accompanying this mess), decongestant, and a LOAD of cough drops are making it more tolerable. Pray for rest and pray for healing. Hopefully, without the aid of a doctor or antibiotics.

God has been super faithful. One of my good LDS friends came to church and lunch with us yesterday. That was awesome! It was soooo good to have her there. And doors are STILL opening EVERY SINGLE SHIFT at Walmart for me to share why I am here, what I am doing, and WHO I am doing it for. So cool. You have no idea. :) I love being able to share with people. I am praying for some deeper conversations, though. I have had a few, and while somewhat draining physically - the deep conversations I am talking about are ones in which God speaks directly to me telling me details and what I need to know about this person in order to better listen and reach them... and trust me, at times those visions of things are hard to handle or even heartbreaking - it is SOOO exciting to be able to listen to someone's heart. To see them as Christ sees them - the way they are now and the way He wants them to be... He shows me a picture of both and the images and stories overwhelm my mind and heart but that is how He has taught me compassion. To love these that are broken...

Your prayers mean the world to me. You have no idea. I keep having dreams about Crossroads people and the church. Every night for the last 4 or so, it seems. I miss you guys so much that it aches at times. I CANNOT WAIT to see you guys near Christmas time. Pray that the plane tickets work out with $....

One last prayer request and then I will let you go. One coworker of mine - her son is in the hospital with e-coli and it has infected his kidneys. This is pretty serious and he needs a lot of prayer. Please keep Jo and her son in your prayers that God will keep them in His arms. Her son has a lot of disabilities and requires constant care, even without the e-coli condition.

I LOVE YOU ALL! Stay strong and keep serving Him who loves, knows, and made you.

Just be.

I saw that on a sign this past weekend at the Boo-tique that I helped with. Liz and Jamie had a bunch of stuff that they entered into it to sell and then Gabe and I ran a hotdog/chilli/nachoes booth alongside. The sign was at another vendor's booth and was made of vinyl letters and glass. I wanted it but didn't have the extra 30$ to buy the thing. The simplicity of it caught me, though.

I have been reading Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe. The book is her diary about her life before and during her recovery from drug/alcohol addiction and severe mental, sexual, emotional, physical abuse and trauma. It is intense and it is hard to read and it makes me cry and it makes me laugh and it makes me identify with far more than I want to identify with. Renee eventually became a Christian sometime in 2006. The journals span from 03-06 and the story is chaotic, intense and crazy. And very very painful. The purpose, Renee says, is redemption. Redemption from ourselves, our sin, our pasts, our addictions, abuse, and circumstances. Redemption into freedom and salvation. Renee says over and over again that she just wants to be.

I also have been rereading Ruth. Boaz... man, I want to meet a guy like him. Wow. Hosea, Boaz, - those guys were redeemers in a very real sense. They rescued those women from the pits. Literally in Hosea's wife's case. And they stuck by them and loved them. They helped them to heal. This is what Christ has done and wants to do and is doing for His people. For me.

And all He asks of me is to just be. I don't have to have strength for more than that. I don't have to do anything more than be. Because when I try to do more... I screw up. He will do it by letting me be me and making "me" into what He wants. What He sees.

I look at some people and He gives me a glimpse of who they can become and another image almost simultaneously of who they ARE. His dreams for us are so big. We just have to be long enough to let Him make the dreams into reality. Pray for B. She is one that I have spoken and listened to and one that is on my heart while I write this. Her pain is intense.

Think, Think, Think, Think... - Pooh.

I end up with a lot of time to do just that. Other times, I wish I had more... And sometimes, I just wish that I could turn off my brain and not think about anything at all.

Trying to fight getting the stomach and sinus bugs going around. My allergies have been insane since I got here. My eyes are ALWAYS LEAKY. It is insane. And for the record, they are not ALL always tears of homesickness. Some of that is genuine itchy nasty allergy eyes. Sigh... Just can't get sick. No insurance - no medicine - no money. No options.

There have been a CRAZY number of questions at my work. It is so incredibly cool. I almost don't mind not getting many substituting phone calls because I get so many chances to talk to people at Walmart. Every day I get asked where I live, why I am here, why I moved here, where I came from, who I am, what am I about, etc... and they all go back to the same answer... I am here because I love Jesus and He sent me here to share His love. Obviously, not all of the people that I invite to the cafe while I am talking to them at work come in, but a LOT do! And it may not be because of my invitation, but I don't frankly care. The fact is that they come in and while they are here... well, the quote is, "Don't go to that "CHRISTIAN" house, they'll convert you there." --- You know, it is pretty cool to know that's true. ;) Except it isn't us doing it.

Things are finally. FINALLY. finally, starting to feel like I am stable and where I belong and that I can fit. And so that gets me to thinking. Still thinking...

God likes to shake us up, you know? Never expect the ordinary because it rarely happens. And never expect things to stay the same for long, because they rarely do. Life is meant to be crazy. That is my conclusion.

Here I am once again
Forgive my sin.

Hear my heart
As the tears start

Renew my fear
of what's Holy and dear.

Take my will
and make it yours.
Take my heart, now empty,
with your love, please fill.

Here I am once again
covered in dirt and sin

Cleanse my heart
help righteousness start.

Take away Satan's fears
as you wipe away my tears.

Take my will
and make it yours.
Take my heart, empty it now,
and with your love, please fill.

Here I am once again,
Holy Father, you've removed my sin.

Good morning! His mercies are new and His sun is shining in the cold state of UT. It is soooo cold! Kate told me that I became a Texan and I am afraid that she is correct, because my blood must have thinned out or something... I AM FREEZING all the time. BUT... because God is good and put sympathy on the furnace man's heart, he came and fixed both the college house and the girl's furnaces for free the other night. It was a welcome sight to see his van pull in with snow on it and know that I was going to wake up to a warm bedroom for once. :)

So, the parade is a contest for the best float. Haha... we obviously did not win even though the entire town has been talking about that AMAZING badger head and question mark that the "Badgers for Jesus" had. Irony. In TX there is still a large amount of prejudice between the races. In ME it is between the Mainah's and the Somolians. Here, between the Christians and the Mormons. Except that we welcome them with open arms and they kick us out of Institute classes. That's right... one of our girls, one of the sweetest by the way, got kicked out of Institute classes - compare to LU's Bible classes and you will have an idea, except they aren't allowed to ask ANY QUESTIONS. She was kicked out yesterday after being out of class for a week to work on float stuff because she "makes the learning enviroment and the teaching environment uncomfortable for the professor and class by asking questions." How's that for ironic? By the way, her prof was at the parade and freaked when he saw our float. Something about saying that "QUESTIONS ROK." bothered him greatly.

Heh... it's all good. Count it all joy when you face trials or even little things that point out that the world doesn't like you for Christ's sake. Right? We do. If this is the worst that we face, we are very blessed.

I spoke with Pastor Bud yesterday for a long while. That was pretty cool. I love hearing about how all of you are doing. I am incredibly bad at letters but if you ever want to call me or email, PLEASE do so. I will respond as soon as I can. Private conversations are few and far between but I try to make it a point to have them. I miss you guys like crazy. Still and seriously. Kate said the other day, "Your family is here (TX)." She is right. It will take time for me to grow with new family here but you guys are still hardcore close to my heart.

I have to tell you about the Delta church the other day. We went on Sunday and spoke, did music for worship, and just tried to encourage. Man, it was AMAZING. Like, wow. Ok, so we did not plan any of our testimonies or scriptures or coordinate anything. The only two planned portions of the service were the sermon and the music which were not coordinated together at all. But, since the Holy Spirit is amazing, He organized it so that we all had the same general idea on our hearts. When I spoke, as usual, I did not plan anything. I prayed over a couple of ideas of what to say but what came out was totally different. It was one of those moments when He puts the words in and I spew them out before I realize what they are and I am hearing them for the first time as well as everyone else and learn from them, too. I LOVE moments like that. When you have NO earthly idea what to say or do and then suddenly things that you didn't know that you knew come forth and you are saying exactly what He wants you to say. If only I were always that moldable. I'm not but it would be great if I were. The church seemed really excited that we were there. They cried.

My heart broke for the man behind me. I looked him in the eye and I saw things in there that no one should ever have to face. His pain was so deep. I don't know anythign about him or his story. I just know the pain that was in his eyes and surrounding his countance. Pray for him. God knows his story and his name.

One last story and then I should go because this is crazy long. Sunday afternoon, as Liz and I were baking, I looked out the kitchen window. It was a beautiful picture. Fall leaves falling down and snow on the mountains and a lazy Sunday afternoon street with a man all dressed up carrying his scriptures on his way home from church. It should have been one of those "wow" sights. But the understanding that he is an LDS man and is so decieved and lost and broken made it almost disgusting and definitely heart wrenching. Think about it.. what is more attractive than a man in love with Christ and praying and carrying his Bible? Absolutely nothing in my mind but knowing that this man does not love the same Jesus that I do... well, his attractiveness just fell about a 1,000 notches. It was incredibly sad. That's the reality that I live in, though.

Heh... I am still losing the battle of the dry and sensitive Flic skin vs. the Utah dry air. BUT... the reason that I am losing is that today I spent my day putting papermache on a rather large badger bicep and making coffee drinks and soon to be painting projects and other various helping-ness of the making of our float. Snow College is having a parade tomorrow for Homecoming and all of the clubs from the campus will be represented including the Solid Rock Christian Fellowship. Our float will be AMAZING. I will have to show you pictures after the finished product. We have a massive head and arms that we constructed of a badger that will be on it (school mascot) along with a giant question mark that will turn. Our signs will say: "Questions ROK", "Dare to dig for truth" and "No Fear". Our premise/theme is that "True badgers are not afraid to dig for truth and ask questions."

This community accepts whatever is spoonfed into their brains without even stopping to taste what it is they have just digested. And then most are ready to regurgitate it right back to you verbatim without ever determining the meaning or purpose. It is so incredibly frustrating but not surprising. I remember doing the same thing for 11 years with my ritual. You hear it. You memorize it. You say it. You say you believe it. You never think about it. You are dying inside.

Unless... you wise up and ask questions and then... WOW. God shines so bright when you search earnestly for truth. So incredibly bright. And then, I love love love to see that lightbulb moment when someone finally clicks and realizes "Whoa... dude... I want that." It all starts with questions.

So, pray for us tomorrow por favor! We will need it for sure. Sunday we will be headed to the Delta Church in Delta, UT to encourage the church and the people. Imagine the Corinthian church and you have a good picture of what we will be headed into. I got the weekend off from Walmart for all of this so it has been nice. Off today, tomorrow, and Sunday. AND... YAY. Praise God because I finally got another substituting phone call for next week. Actually, got two but I am only available for one. AND I got things worked out for my paychecks so that I can get paid for teaching other people's kids. Stoked about that.

I miss you guys. I love you. And most importantly, I thank you for your prayers, for your love, and for your friendship.... Stay strong, my friends. I can't wait to see you again...

We discussed Joy in our Bible study the other day. It has been on my mind since, for obvious reasons. We were discussing the joy that we knew when we became a Christian. That moment of release and freedom and just "wow, this huge crazy God loves me." Last night, one of the guys and I were given the chance to talk with one girl who has been coming here for quite awhile. It was awesome because we were able to express that joy to her. And it wasn't the whole world is happy with flowers and cinderella style birds and singing but rather the deep-seated not going away assurance that it will be alright inspite of the circumstances around you, peace that you can't understand or explain but is there and shows in your person. The joy that is not dependent on circumstances or personal past but on faith. Just the knowledge that it is all taken care of because He has it under control.
We had one girl who expressed desiring that joy. Wanting what we have.

I want to show it more. I want people to see it when they see me. To see that instead of me.

Tonight is a Barlow Girl's concert - got free tickets! Woot. And I should be getting an amazing book in the mail soon from To Write Love on Her Arms. I am slightly excited about that. Work is going well but pray for more subbing phone calls. I haven't had any in just over a week - not good for me. Trying to work out the paycheck for substituting. They like direct deposit but I am not a fan. I prefer to get my check myself. We shall see.

I had a ton of insightful things that I wanted to say, but I honestly don't remember them now and I have been interrupted at least 30 times so far in writing this so, I am going to just close now and write you another post later. Pictures from the concert to come later!

The air is so dry here. My skin is cracking and bleeding. I feel that way some of the time inside, too. Satan is having a field day telling me a bunch of things. The good part is that I learned this summer through trial and numerous error to recognize the difference between his voice and my Father's.

There are questions in my mind as to whether college ministry is the right place for me to be. I honestly don't think it will be a long term thing - even for much longer than a year or two. I am more and more aware that my gifts have little to do with the college age group and so much to do with the children.

My arms ache to hold a little child and tell them that Jesus loves them. That is where my passion is. And the LDS children are told so many things but the least of which is that Jesus loves them. And even if they do hear it, there are strings attached. "Jesus loves you IF..." My Jesus has no if's or conditions on His love.

Pray for us here. We have tension arising. I can feel it stirring. The current swirls and swoops but never fully comes to light. It almost did earlier today but not really. Just that underlying tension that causes you to crack and bleed and to have little cuts but never makes a big enough deal for you to actually take the time to put the salve on and rest or regroup.

Last night I slept with Cetaphil lotion and antibiotic Neosporin on my hands with socks over them to prevent it from rubbing off. This helped my hands to not be so sore today from the dry and sensitive skin. I feel like as a whole group and as individuals we need to stop and put the same kind of salve on ourselves before we can help anyone else with their sensitive areas of life.

Samhain is almost here. The air feels heavy and the hearts of those who are sensitive to the changes notice the difference. It is weird in a way. I notice a lot of things with spiritual eyes that it seems like the others are missing because they are looking with human eyes but I feel so far behind in some ways combating those things that I see and feel. At the same time, I am not an "ex" in the same way that the ones here are, so I don't fully understand them and vice versa. And the lifelong Christians (or not lifelong but those who were not involved in a cult prior to their Christian life) tend to see things just a bit differently from the rest of us. As an ex-cultist who is now a New Creation, life is different sometimes. And that can be hard to reconcile with the others around you. I am understanding better the pain of the Mormons who have left and become Christians to some extent. Their joy is finally complete but the brainwashing that they have endured takes time to be overcome and retrained into Biblical thinking. That being the case, it makes it hard to be willing conform to Christianity for them. At least, the Christianity that they see.

Pray that they will see Christ and not christianity. We unfortunately can be poor specimen at times of what our Christianity is about. But He is still there and still bigger and stronger and the healer of all wounds. Even the ones that just crack and bleed.

So great news. Last night one person that I have been bugging for quite awhile now to come check out the cafe came in and really enjoyed himself. He was like "wow, I didn't know this place is so cool!" :) That made me happy. I suspect he will be back. He was pretty excited about it. (The fact that he got free food probably helped. ;) ) Anyway, ALSO one of our girls who has been frequenting the place came in and was able to hear the Gospel spelled out in TRUTH at least 4 times in a row. As well as 3 other girls who come in quite often. This occurred during an open question night that we had with Pastor Rodney - the pastor of Ephraim Bible Church. He came in and just fielded questions from students about various things. Most all of the questions were written down or asked by Solid Rock kids but most were pointed enough without being offensive that we were able to point out some clear differences between the faiths and truth. God is SOOOOOOOOoooo cool. :) Anyway, I figured you might like some good news.
Other good news: I got to have a great conversation with my mom this past week on the phone. Sad for parts but good. :) And I talked to Mrs. Walters for a long time - such an encouragement she is. Wow. I wish I lived closer so she could be a mentor... she is in a way. AND I got to talk to my best friend/sister quite a few times. I love her so much. I love my "family." - quotes since the definetion has broadened and blurred over time... in a good way.

A few tips to make the life of your cashier a little better...
So... I have learned as a cashier that my job is to make your visit to my store the best possible and to be as compassionate, expedient, and friendly as possible. I have made it a point to be different from the others by making it a point to pray over my customers and to show Jesus to each of them. But... just to make life easier, it is nice when customers remember that cashiers are people, too; who shouldn't be looked down on but rather respected. So... here is my "vent/tips" list of things that would help make life easier... This is meant to be tips, not serious, and definitely not required... if your cashier is rude, say something to management and to the cashier. You deserve the best.
1. If you are the only customer in line, pull your cart up alongside the belt and start unloading your items for the cashier to check out.
2. Smile and acknowledge your cashier when they greet you. We love to talk with you but that doesn't work if you don't talk to us.
3. Get off of your cell phone. 30 seconds shouldn't matter. Seriously. And if it does then you don't belong in line yet or you should be headed out the door to take care of that emergency, not waiting around at a register. If you can't hang up, tell the caller to hang on for a few minutes. Most people don't mind.
4. Help the cashier by taking the bags as they fill them up. It is the responsibilty of the cashier to scan and bag your items and take care of your money.
5. Tell the cashier before they process your check if you want cash back. You can get up to 20 dollars cash when using a check to pay for your items but it really helps to know ahead of time.
6. Have your id ready if you are purchasing more than 200$ worth of items or something that would potentially require one. ie: spraypaint, alcohol, tobacco, whiteout, sharpie markers, (inhalants), cough medicine, etc. Don't argue about the id thing. It is the cashier's job and if they don't ask, they don't get to work, either.
7. Don't pass out Jack Chick tracts. We don't want them and don't need them. Offer to pray or a smile or if you know us, a hug. That means sooooo much more. :)
8. Do NOT flirt with your cashier unless you are super hot, single, and DO NOT have a wife waiting for you at home. Otherwise, if you are creepy, please, we don't want to date, we just want to work... ;)

More pictures for you to see... These ones are of the cafe, my new haircut, and a few more of my slightly more finished bedroom. Enjoy :)
New Dwelling and Locks

I wish there were words for those moments when God is so close it feels like you can feel the hair on His arm as it wraps around you and then all of a sudden He just pulls you in close and holds you so tight that you feel like you almost can't breathe but wouldn't want to be anywhere else. That is the moment when I feel like the rocks and trees... my every pore wants to cry out. I am crying out. If you could see an aura...

Even though, I don't have all that I miss and even though my heart is breaking for so many things and people and I am homesick beyond all belief... He is soooo close. It is so sweet.

It makes me desparate for them to know. Not to know with head knowledge... but to KNOW. How can that not be the purpose for everything I am doing here? For them to KNOW Him.

But I don't even know Him the way I should... the way I want to, the way I need to. O God... man... to Know you like that... Father, be that close, that intimate to my thoughts, my breath, my heart. I want to want you.

This weekend was beautiful. I will post a link to a few pictures later but for now, let me just tell you about it. We, we being the ladies of the church, went up north to Mitz's cabin (lodge) in the woods and mountains. We stayed there overnight Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday. We worked on some projects and just hung out. A lot of music - I won a Hillsong cd as a doorprize :), prayer, and listening. And a BUTTLOAD OF AMAZING FOOD. Like... wow. Cafe Rio made by Mitz. God didn't give me any new "wow" moments or epiphanies but He was there and He was amazing.

Church yesterday was great. Pastor Rodney was speaking out of 1 Peter 1:6-9 and used a TON of scriptures from other books to go along with it. I really enjoy sitting under his sermons.

Pray for my CSM (boss) who hopefully will be coming into the cafe today or tomorrow. Pray for the others who have been coming in... we just had one girl who left after a long conversation with two of our kids. Very cool. Last night I had the chance to just listen to a friend while they let out some stuff that they had been dealing with. This person really needed to talk and it was a good opportunity for me to learn to listen.

Learning to listen is not easy... I suck at it.

I figured you might like some pictures to look at so here ya go. These are from moving in, Salt Lake, a concert, and a bonfire/stargazing escapade on the mountain, dancing with my closest friends and my last adventures in Texas. Enjoy! There are four separate albums there, so take a few minutes to look at 'em. If you are already on facebook, then you can feel free to leave comments.

Mountain Pictures SLC Concert and Moving In The Last Dance TX adventures

We went up to the top of the mountain in the back of Chip's truck last night and just went stargazing, which was a little hard to do because the moon was HUGE and like a brillant spotlight in our faces, but beautiful nonetheless. We just hung out for awhile and shared some crazy stories. One thing that made me sad was that a lot of my stories were not shareable... but that's another story. Anyway, I loved the view. Amazing. And although I am feeling a little fragile today from all of the jarring around in the truck (I worked a full day before going up the mountain with everyone), I LOVED it. So much fun. Whenever any of you visit, we must go. :)

I can't even begin to express how much I miss you all during moments like that. Moments when things are hard or when they are just right. Those are the moments that I want to share with all of you and it is hard to do by just posting and phone calls and facebook and email and etc. Not nearly the same and that kills me.

Good news - one of the guys that I spoke of previously came in to the cafe yesterday and hung out with the guys for awhile. Just the guys. Which was very very good for him. :)

Today I am hoping to drop off my info and app for subbing and I also hope to hear something about whether or not someone can cover my shift for Saturday at Walmart so that I can attend the Ladies Retreat from church.

I love you all. Praying for everyone still without power.

Please pray for everyone in the path of the hurricane and know that we are praying for all of you.

Kate called me out on something and she was completely right. I need to learn to listen. Ministry here will be completely ineffective and remaining in touch with friends and family in Texas and Maine and Ohio and various other places is impossible unless I learn to listen. God and I had a long time this morning going over this. I finally asked Him to bind my tongue unless He was speaking and to help me to learn to listen. Please be patient with me. I am not going to be a wise sage with years of listening experience overnight, but maybe... just maybe He can teach me to hear the cries of hearts and the message of words without my own butting in and messing up the communication.

Praying for you all. I love you.

Time for an update. Things are going well at the moment. I have had the opportunity to talk to one particular guy a couple of times now and carefully steering the conversation away from me and toward Christ. (He was slightly more interested in the first topic at first but later warmed up to talking more about Christ.)I got to learn a lot of cool things about him; which helped to open doors to communicate even more about Christ.
We have also had another guy come by and speak to us several times while we have been out on campus this week and we ran into him again last night. Pray that God will continue to cause him to be intrigued by us and desire to talk. Pray that he has the boldness to come into the cafe.
The general rule of thumb is that we don't bring anything up about faith at the cafe. It is up to the customers, which surprisingly enough, usually does not take long. Most people if they are brave enough to come into the cafe are also willing to discuss their faith and beliefs and to ask questions.
There has been a new "campaign" that we started for club rush (somewhat like LU's STOMP on the mall) where all of the clubs have a booth and info about their clubs and sign up sheets. Well for our table, we had a sign that Gareth painted that said "Questions ROK" - with a double meaning going on since ROK can mean "are ok" and can also spell out "ROK" for "Rock" - Solid Rock... we gave out free coupons for either 50cents off a food or drink item or a free small italian creme soda. On the back of each coupon I put questions that asked people to think about what they believe about life and God. Very cool. There have been a TON of new people coming in this week because of that, so we were pretty excited.
Also pray for one girl who has hung out with us quite a bit. She is amazing. :)
God is doing some great stuff with the people. I find myself not getting quite as homesick as long as I have people to talk to about Him. It is when I am alone at night at bedtime or those really slow times during the day that I hurt because I miss all of you so much. I never realized that moving away from my best friend and "TX family" would be so hard. Well, maybe I did expect it but I didn't realize how much it would hurt.
Anyway, work is going alright and I should be able to have something solid for subbing as of next week. Monday we are going to drop off my application and have my background test completed and then I already have two different teachers who are vying for my help. That is pretty exciting! Walmart is interesting. Ask me about the belt buckle that I saw yesterday. ;)
OHH... I almost forgot: LINDSAY UPDATE: Praise God for all of your prayers because He has been so amazingly faithful for her healing. So much so that she is getting out of the hospital today and headed to the Ronald McDonald House still there in NY and will be headed back to Maine "HOPEFULLY" by next Tuesday. She will be out of school for about 12 weeks and has to have physical therapy twice a week for six weeks. She will probably have a tutor to help her stay caught up in her classes so she can graduate on time this spring. Thank you sooooo much for your prayers. Please continue to pray for her and my family. So very very needed. Continue to check out the website that I linked previously and to sign her guestbook if you can. She reads those messages twice a day and from what she has said, they really really help with encouragement. Leave lots of verses. Once again, the link is: Lindsay's Website

Dios Te Bendiga.

Good news! The surgery went well and Lindsay is in recovery. Dad said that she is semi-concious. If you would like to send her a card, email me and I'll give you the address. My parents are staying at the Ronald McDonald house there in town where the hospital is so that they can be close by. All mail would go to the RDH and then from there mis padres will take it to Linds. Thank you so much for your prayers. Please continue to pray, she still needs it. (felizalba@gmail.com)

As for things here, they are going alright. I am LOVING my bedroom. (pictures to come eventually) :) And church was pretty cool yesterday. I will have to give you an abbreviated version of my notes from the sermon. I started working at the local Walmart and found a couple of Christians - I was VERY excited about that. Spent a lot of time working in the coffee shop and around the college house. We had the board of directors from the ministry here this past weekend so that was pretty exciting. I got a lot of cafe (coffee shop) hours in while everyone else was busy preparing - so I covered their shifts. Very cool.

I haven't really had much opportunity yet to talk to anyone but I am not worried - I am here for the long-haul, no matter how homesick for Tecsas I get/am. There will be plenty of time to talk.

Keep praying!!!!!! If you would like more detailed updates then email me and I will try to put together a specific prayer/support email to send out monthly or maybe bimonthly for you to check out. There are some things that I won't be able to talk about in the blog posts just because it is a public communication, but I can send a letter/email with more detail that is a bit more private. And for the record, more often than not, unless it is a member of the ministry here or someone that would be known to most of my readers, I will use fake names just to keep it safer for everyone. (felizalba@gmail.com)

Today is Lindsay's surgery. Please be praying. I will update more later as I find out.

I am sitting in the coffee shop in Ephraim drinking my coffee with creamer and watching Travis look at pictures of hairless dogs. Why on earth anyone would want one is beyond me because the things are hideous, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I got here safely.
Nealy and I had a few adventures and played in Salt Lake for awhile and then met up with Chip and Jamie at the mall last night. After a 2 hour car ride, I finally got here and was able to put my stuff in my new bedroom. As soon as I can find a computer that will allow me to upload pictures, I will show you what it looks like. I am a fan. Very small but nice.
(For those of you who have seen the girl's apartments up above the garage before, let me give you a mental image. Remember that MASSIVE living room? Well it is now chopped in half with a half wall and a full length wall which make up my bedroom framing it in by the outside wall and the back bedroom wall (that bedroom beside the kitchen). My door is almost immediately after the door through which you enter the apartment. The walls are beige with a beautiful lamp on the upper section of one side, a bed, and a desk, and a pretty nice sized closet. I love all of the closet space here... some of you remember how much I love closets.)
Today I slept in and just rested for awhile then made a run to Walmart to get some essentials, including a bedside lamp, blow dryer (for those FREEZING winter mornings when I will not want to go out with wet hair), and a few other items. I am excited to make it look like my own space.
I have spent the day hanging out with Kim and Jamie and Travis. Most of the others are either off at work or classes. There is a group that has not made it back from their retreat yet because they were traveling in a vehicle that broke down about half way back from Wyoming. Opps. Gareth is with them and will fix it. They will be back sometime in the next couple of days dependent on how long it takes to fix. Bearings or something. I never got the full story. Anyway, Kim and her husband Shane- (one of those who is stuck with the broken vehicle)are going to be moving here soon to be full time assistant directors of the ministry TriGrace. They will be living nearby and working here in the cafe and around the college house. I have spent some time with Kim today talking and I already adore the lady.
Jamie as always is amazing. :) Gotta love that woman.
We'll see what kind of excitement starts when the rest of the crew finally are all back and around. For now, I am going to go enjoy my coffee and talk to Kate again on the phone. Keep calling me people! I want to hear from you. Text message, call, email, comment on the blog or facebook... anything. I will and do respond.
God is so faithful.

Safe in Utah finally. :) It was a pretty eventful send off. We were pretty good at keeping it light and not many tears. Nealy picked me up at the airport and we proceeded to have adventures almost immediately. We went for a walk in Memory Grove Park when it started to pour rain and hail. So we ran from tree cover to tree cover and then from building overhang to overhang. We ended up at Starbucks where I got Kate's favorite boring drink in her honor. ;) Then a quick Walmart run to replace the face wash that the airline took from me and then off to find some dinner. We picked up a couple of movies and curled up with blankets and some good food. Tomorrow more adventures await; not sure what, though.
Still trying to get ahold of Chip and Jamie to find out when exactly I am headed to the college house.

My friend Lilly asked for pictures... so here are some from my last night in Longview. Enjoy. There are more on facebook if you are on my friends list, then you should be able to see them.

I leave tomorrow morning to fly out. This time tomorrow, I will actually already be flying. I plan on enjoying every moment that I can today with friends before I go, including a very "epic" ending to my Texas time by going to a dance tonight with more amazing adventures to follow. It is good.

For now, I want to give you a prayer request because I am afraid that with the chaos of moving and then settling in, that I may forget later. My little sister, Lindsay, is 17. She is a senior in high school this year and her senior year has just gotten majorly complicated. She is going in to have brain surgery next week due to a childhood condition that she was born with called, Arnold Chiari Malformation. It is a mouthful to say but basically it means that the brain stem is too close to the spinal cord because there was more space back there than there should be. (At least, that was the basic way they tried to describe it to me when I was seven and watching her go through her first brain surgery.)You can click here to find out the more technical medical definitions, but suffice it to say, this little girl is in need of some major prayer. She will be leaving early next week to go to NY to get prepped for surgery and then the actual surgery is on the 8th of September of the following week. She is super brave but this still is not easy. It will mean a lot of recop time and craziness for her and my family. Not to mention the time lost from work for Dad - never a good thing, trust me. So... that being said, while I may not get time to post the prayer request in detail like this next week, I had to post it now and I WILL post updates about it so that you know how she is doing after. Click HERE to read her journal updates.

Thanks for the prayers. It means the world to me. This little girl is pretty special in my book.

Bye bye Caddie...
Pray that the sale of the caddie goes through tomorrow. I am asking a fair price (almost too fair) and the car is being sold as is, cash only. It is in decent condition. But.. the buyer is a young'n and is having a hard time making his schedule work with the tax office. And I only have one day to do this in. Why did I not do it sooner, you may ask? Well, funny how that works... need a car to go to work and needed to go to work to afford to move. Anyway, just pray that it all goes well. Other than the last few packing details this is the only BIG hurdle left before my exit.
Also, good news. I got the job lined up for when I get there. :)
God is faithful... it will be alright.

Epic adventures. Tonight a new freshman girl at LU came up to Kate and I and asked us what we would give her for advice for college. Then we were later asked at Starbucks by a somewhat interesting character of a kid what we suggested he should do for improving himself and what we thought life was about.
The only answers we could give to any of the above questions were to seek God and follow after Him. From there our answers extended to relationship. Relationships with people and with Jesus. There is honestly no point beyond that for which we are here but to serve Him, know Him, love Him, and honor Him. By our relationship with Him and with other people...
I love random conversations like that... and soon, I get to LIVE in a coffee shoppe and have conversations like that. I was praying tonight and I told God that it hurts when I try to stay quiet and not say anything. You can't call yourself on of His and not be desperate to share it. I am not always going to have days where I want to speak up, but God, give me the strength and boldness and grace to do it anyway, inspite of what I want.
In my book, epic is a night like tonight.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be speaking in church about moving to Utah and the ministry there. The main thing that keeps coming to mind, however; is how much I want to thank the church for all they have given me. They have given me a home... something that I haven't really had before. I was taken in and loved so completely, that more often than not, it was pretty overwhelming. God has provided in ways so far beyond what I could ever fathom. Through random donuts or life group meetings or nights at Bridge or CTC classes, the outpouring of love has not stopped from the moment God let me get involved there. Not to mention the adoption of the Walter's family and the amazing way that they have shown me a crazy amount of love. If I ever have a doubt of how much Christ is pursuing me and how much He adores me as His little girl, all I have to think of would be the crazy love of that home.
Kate and her mom took me in and put up with a lot since December. Heh... Kate has put up with a lot since she met me... Not to mention all of my other friends who have been amazing...
I guess, God is sending me to Utah because there is no way that I can repay the people here for their kindness or compassion. Just like I can never hope to repay Christ for His sacrifice. But I CAN go in His name and join Him in His work. I can learn how to share that same love with other people. Hopefully, that will be thanks enough, because I honestly can't offer anything more than myself to say it with. I want to give back and the only way that I know how is to show someone else what I have learned. Freedom... it still makes me shake my head. What an incredible gift.
Reading 2nd Corinthians 6-8 tonight. And I fell in love with this: Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. - 2nd Cor. 6:4-10.

How cool will it be to be able to claim all of those someday? Then I can call myself a missionary. Until then... I am still just learning.

Here are a couple of poems that I wrote the second year of ministry in Utah, the first year working with Chip and Jamie and the TriGrace team. I thought that they might be fitting for you to ponder.

The first one is titled: "Logic's Lost" and was written shortly after the Utah trip after a particularly difficult night of prayer and intercession and just frustration with the depraved state of the Mormon community.

i can see them
their logic's lost
and deception dies
a slow death
fire burns while
souls turn
drawing in one last breath
out to Christ they cried
saving grace
Lord, rescue our human race.

This second one I wrote as a goodbye poem after moving one time from the dorms to Maine over a summer. The poem still seems somewhat appropriate now...

packing up the dreams
moving out the memories
carrying off the cares
and slowly backing out with the bags
saying goodbye again
going on to the next step
leaving behind what is dear
opening up to what is next
knowing that there will be return
but bearing the pain of the moment
things are never the same
change comes
and we are left waiting.


-to find more poetry visit: http://warriordawn.blogspot.com - most of which were written in the the last five years since becoming a Christian. You can email me for background stories if you would like to discuss them. There may be random poetry showing up on both blogs occasionally.
Bud was asking today in church during what I have now dubbed as my "commissioning sermons" how we express our love to God. Since I have become a Christian, I have had to undergo a lot of healing and a lot of loss in order to be empty enough to be filled with Christ... I am still so far from being ready but He still says that it is time and that He will give strength when I am weak. (See Corinthians...) My expression of love often comes in the form of poetry. It is an act of worship.

Mormons are dumbfounded by true and honest worship. They have no concept of a God who loves them enough that He would desire our worship.

I have exactly two weeks left as a Texas resident. I am in negotiations with my store manager to coordinate the transfer of my position from the store here to the one in Ephraim. He is kind of hard to get ahold of but he swears that he is trying. I pray that he makes the call, like I asked...
I still need to pack and get an appraisial on the caddie. After that, all that's left is to officially sell the caddie and say the last of my goodbyes. That part sucks. My heart is incredibly heavy when I face the fact that the way that I have faced life for the last 5 years is about to drastically change due mostly in part to the fact that the people that I have cared so much about for the last 5 years will not be in the day to day parts of it. And it won't be the same.
I know there is a new begining. Trust me, I am more excited about it than anyone. This is THE MINISTRY that Jesus has given me to work alongside Him in, and I could not be more grateful. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like the rich merchant who had too much to leave behind and is reluctant to go. I am so rich here in my friends and church. The spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical support system that God has provided... I feel incredibly weak when I think about leaving it all.
And I know that I won't be going to Mars or anything that far away and that everyone is only a phone call away, but to deny that things will change is just stupid. And I know that Christ works best in our weakness.
I just also know that I "want" to be like Mary and fall at His feet and follow Him wherever, but I "feel" like the ones who want to say goodbye first to their family or maybe take the family along... And this is one trip that I am being told to go on by myself. At least for now.
There is also an AMAZING support group there already established, and I am not going to lie and say that I am not excited about working with some of the most amazing Christians that I have ever met.
I am just finding it hard to let go of the ones here...
This blog is going to be an honest account of the ministry and what God is doing with the move and in Utah. Part of that honesty will be days like this...

Car for sale...? Well, the other day at work, one of the cart-pushers came up to me when I went to retrieve my book from my car for lunch. He inquired if the caddi was indeed mine, *yes.*, impressed silence. Then he said, "so... you selling it?"... "Well, actually..." So, I think that I may have a buyer for the caddi. He is willing to give me my asking price upfront taking the car as is, which is EXACTLY what I asked for. Kate keeps telling me to ask for a little more but that transmission is about to go bye bye and I don't feel right asking for more when I am already about 200$ over the Blue Book price. Eh... It's ok, though.
So... it was just cool though the way it is working out. This was one of those deals where it was God saying "use the common sense that I gave you and don't look too closely at this gift horse in the mouth."
This makes me one step closer! Oh, and pray about the Walmart job in Utah. Right now it is looking pretty amazing but it would be really really really nice if it stays that way. Ironically enough, they are ONLY hiring for people who would qualify for my position and only transfers - which is what I would be. Is our God cool or what?
Did I mention that I have my plane tickets?

Gotta pack. Gotta pack. I hate packing. I would rather spend time saying goodbyes... which I have finally started. A little.
By the way, with the incredibly cool invention of plane flights, Utah isn't nearly as far away as everyone seems to think it is. All of my customers freak out when I say, Utah, Texas, Maine. I am mildly amused. I am also a pro at finding cheap tickets.

Got my plane tickets. Fly out of Gregg County on Aug. 31 at 1025am and arrive in SLC at 335pm. Not sure yet if I am staying with Nealy for the week and then headed to Ephraim or if Junelle, Mitz, or Rodney can pick me up. The Solid Rock crew will all be on a retreat when I fly in so I won't see them until after the 1st of Sept. either way.

And oddly enough, I really want to cry. I already have. A little. Kind of mixed tears.

God, you can do this. I am just trying to be obedient. You can do this. Please hold me.

Plane Tickets and such....

I am currently planning on leaving at the end of August. Trying to buy plane tickets now - arranging rides to and from the airports is the first hurdle. Then I get to start packing. I have already started saying goodbyes to friends around town - one of whom moved to the Ukraine for missions. We have shared a lot in the last few months while both getting ready for long term missions work.
I am honestly still scared out of my mind. I hate the idea of not having my safe place or "family" of LU/Crossroads/Kate and her mom around me. But my place isn't here and I am incredibly excited to be where He is sending me. He is working there and I really really want to be a part of it. He is working here as well; I have seen that over the last several months and years. I want to see an enviroment like Crossroads or LU in Utah, in Ephraim. They have the church there which is thriving and expanding. And it is SOOOO exciting!
The more I study and research the more excited I keep getting. Our God is so big!

This blog is named "After all you can do" because the LDS believe that after you have done your part, Jesus will make up the rest so that you can have eternity in Celestial Kingdom with Heavenly Father. But really, the reality is that after all you can do, your efforts are still in vain and you are still covered in sin and shame. Only by Christ and grace alone, can we find eternity with Jesus - our Heavenly gain.

Utah Bound

Bound for the snow-capped mountains and Sanpete valley; I am embarking on an adventure that will hopefully last several years if not a lifetime. The goal is to show the love of Jesus Christ to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - Mormons.
Mormons believe in a works-based salvation system. "...saved by grace through faith, after all you can do." 2nd Nephi 2:23.
I will be working with Chip and Jamie Thompson with TriGrace Ministries - Solid Rock Christian Fellowship. I will be living at the college house (SRCF) and hopefully teaching full time at a local public school. (Providing that God gives me the job). I will also be attempting to work at WalMart - where there are a number of polygamists who are in dire need of the love of Jesus Christ.

Please be in prayer for this adventure! I will be updating frequently as plans get underway to move and once I get to Utah, keeping you in the loop for what's going on.