I need to post this before I forget it all. I have some things that I was thinking about while at work tonight. I think all night long because I work alone for the most part and I am in a corner of the store stocking, so it is just usually God, yogurt, myself, and whatever birds decide to fly by (they come in through the recieving doors where our trucks unload).

Anyway, "They call it on the job training..."

...Being cold and clumsy (I work in the dairy fridges at the moment) = a lot of cuts,scrapes, and bruises that I am often unaware of until my shower later on when the hot water and soap so kindly point them out.
...I am going to make a horrible mother someday - there are two smells that my stomach absolutely cannot abide - body odor and vomit being the toppers of the list. They are gurranteed to cause my own body odor to turn to a fairly gray shade of vomit, as well.
...College kids consume more yogurt and cottage cheese than anyone else on earth. Fairly certain.
...Dead flies are not appetizing to a consumer yet seem to be in abundance when so many doors are left open due to trucks.
...Girls dress as clones of each other. What happened to individuality?
...Guys should not wear skinnny jeans. Still and always.
...I apparently still look fairly young. I appreciate that. :)
...Listening to conversations around you is not considered eavesdropping when you are considered invisible while standing in full view.
...While listening to said conversations, one might learn a LOT about the human condition and economy and values.
...I, on the other hand, learn mostly about what flavors taste good and what cream cheese is not appealing.
...You can ALWAYS recieve a good laugh if you practice this eavesdropping technique.
...God made some funny looking people. Not putting down His creation. Just marveling at the irony of some things.
...Most of these funny looking people come out at night... or work nights.
...I do my best thinking when Hinder, David Crowder, Chris Tomlin, and Between the Trees are NOT playing because I have this habit of singing along.
...I still and probably always will sing at least slightly off key.
...I work alone, so no one cares. :)
...Time passes so very quickly when you are performing manual labor.
...I believe God made time fluid to His command.
...I think He speeds it up for me. :)

...ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL for employment. It is such a blessing. No matter what the job - anything that allows you to work with integrity and in a legal manner and earn an honest paycheck - is worthwhile. And you WILL learn from each and every job.

I have worked at so many places since I was 12 years old. I started that summer after 6th grade with babysitting full time. Every year after that, God has blessed me with employment of some kind. Summer camps, office work, factory work (all three shifts), teaching at daycares and private schools, telecounseling (marketing) for LeTourneau, and retail (in 5 different departments of retail, at that). And each one has taught me so very much about life, people, and God. And each one has provided in some measure what I needed to maintain food, housing, and clothing, and at least most of my bills. And God has ALWAYS been faithful to provide the rest.
I tend to be very independent and LOVE the feeling of earning a paycheck and working hard to get it. Unfortunately, I usually do not care how *much* I make as long as I can still pay my bills and maintain necessities. Usually, the paychecks will barely if cover that much. BUT... God has been faithful in always providing work and always providing funding.

... so last lesson learned, HE IS FAITHFUL. Always. Faithful.

I just rewatched To Save A Life. If you have not seen it, then I highly recommend it. If you have, then you completly understand why my train of thought is not exactly quiet or shallow at the moment.
I have sat by several friends at this point during dark nights... the ones where you need to take away the pills, the rope, the blades, the ammo, and the nights where you just need to talk. For a very long time. And sit in silence. And make it ok to cry.
The nights where you just pray silent prayers that are actually screams to Abba because you don't actually have ANYTHING that you can say... and you are just begging Him to come and be a part of it all.

And He does. He always does. Infact, He never walked away in the first place. And I have seen Him do miracles.
I watched Him do one that night in the mirror. And I have seen Him do them in SOOOO many lives. And it blows my mind. Have you ever really watched God pursue His chosen? His beloved?
Sit back and observe it... watch the miracle in action before your eyes. And be bold enough to take part! The depths that you see... they take you away and you do not return the same when you watch God change someone from the inside out.

And at some point, you look in the mirror again and see that you were changed, too.

Missing: Joy.
Reward: Eternal.

I gave it away. I promised more of my heart than was mine to give. I sinned against Him and I hurt myself and others and separated myself from my One and Only True Love. The love that causes my heart to beat, that breathes breath into my lungs, who paints a sunset and dawns with a sunrise. The One love who gave everything and won't relent until He has all of me. I didn't give everything that I have but giving any of your heart to one other than the ONE - is too much.
And it hurts. I ache. Physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, I am exhausted. And tonight, I broke. And I want to go Home. I want to go back to my One.
I am so tired that I am no longer hungry. So dry, that I no longer feel thirsty. And I want that back. I want to be full with joy.
I am covered in my own shit... I am a mess of filthy rags. And I want to come Home, Abba. I want to curl up in your arms and to be clean. I miss you, Yeshua. I miss your whisper, your touch, your song. I miss being known by you and knowing you.
You never left me. But I turned away. And I am so sorry, Yeshua.

Patrick and Grandmother, You want them HOME. You want them with you. And it is going to hurt. I am going to miss them. I want to hold on but they are not mine. Neither is he. He belongs to you. And he cannot replace you. He can't be my God. He can't be in your place. He is not strong enough.

Fix me, Abba. Please, forgive me. And please, rain on me.
"Healing Rain is falling down. Healing rain is falling down. I am not afraid. I am not afraid."

Give me the strength that I need to honor you. Teach me to love you, again. First.

Sometimes, I wish that I knew the tongues of the angels. Not for the purpose of speaking in tongues but in hopes that it could somehow be more expressive for the things that I do not know the words for. Those things that you know are there and you know are bothering you or just are heavy... the wet blanket over your heart with passion and pain and anything else that you may come across... Those things that last and bear down with more weight, not ever really straying from your mind, but still somehow inexplicable in a strange way. The ones that make waking up every morning a choice that somehow is no longer just subconscious but a calculated decision.

I sometimes want to scream but I don't because I couldn't be loud enough to be heard. I want to sing but I don't remember the melody. I want to cry but tears just give me a stuffy nose and swollen eyes. I want to laugh but I am not sure what I am laughing at. Been there?

I miss my heart-sister, my jin shei.

This too shall pass - and He remains HOLY, seated on His throne, full of splendor and might. I just wish I could figure out how to say what it is that is on my heart that is beyond the words that I have weaved throughout my daily vocabulary. He is my intercessor, making petition for me when my soul cries out but my mind does not know the language. And for that, I am thankful.

He knows.

Pray for Patrick today...Surgery.


Things are changing. I feel it - down deep. Changing on all fronts, really. Last night at work, I was offered a new full-time position that I really was not looking for or even desirous of... but the opportunity kind of jumped into my lap. It will help quite a bit with bills - making the pursuit for teaching a more feasible leap of faith.

Things are changing with friends and those that I call family and with ministry and with my place in it all. My place in their lives and in the roles that I have come to fill... it is all slowly becoming different and I feel like I am a fish out of water. I am having a hard time breathing and understanding all that happens but I am not sure if I really want to go back to the tank, either.

Maybe I am ready for a bigger pond to swim in. But I really don't like giving up the security of what's familiar and seemingly safe. I can't say it is comfortable because I feel like I have a pin in my back that keeps poking me and pushing me - and the pin becomes larger and more pointed by the day.

God, if this is You directing, then show me where to go and teach me to trust You. If it is me taking over, then take the wheel out of my hands and let it all out of my control, again. But please, don't leave me in the dark without answers or a direction.

I am free. In You. I am free. And this is just another turn in the trail we are blazing together... and I am free to follow You.

I have been thinking a lot about the word "Family" lately. What it looks like and what it is. Who is makes up my family.

Biologically, I have my parents and two sisters plus extended family. Biological family - you share the same DNA and basic genetic makeup. You are close because you are put together through life circumstances but the main closeness within a biological family seems to stem from being related. My family loves me. I know this. I love them. They know this, also.

But I really feel that family is more than just the biological. My family extends far beyond the shared DNA or last name... and a lot of my reasoning comes from being away from my parent's home for almost seven years now. I have lived across the country in a dorm and later in an apartment with roommates in both Texas and Utah. I learned that family is a much deeper tie than merely friendship, no matter how close the friendship may be. And the people that I do call family - are. And in my heart and mind, there has been no difference between them and the ones who share my blood.

"All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Come, Holy Spirit, come.
As deep cries out to deep..."

Long for home. Long for Him and for Home with Him seated on His throne. Deep cries out to deep - I love that line. It is an amazing feeling when you realize that your deepest part, your most hidden place in your heart, cries and screams for Jesus. That you desire and need Him with literally every part of you. When you realize that you believe from the inside out.

God blessed me with things that I never expected last week. He showed me who was standing in front of me for so long and showed me the heart that was changed. He then gave me blessings far beyond what I expected or could have dreamed. And... to top it off... He KEPT BLESSING ME. With provision for so many things. He blows my mind. Last week, I was walking on a cloud because I could not believe all that He had done.

And true to Israelite form, I promptly forgot this week all of the blessings of last and walked around in a complete state of stir-craziness and boasted a severe case of cabin fever and determined to show my anger and angst and dissatisfaction with life and the inability to escape or take a break for a bit by rudely responding to pretty much ever person around me. Seriously, what kinda idiot... But, how is this different than any other believer?

We forget that we serve a God who WANTS to bless us. And desires us to be joyful and to REMAIN so. And then we act like spoiled children. Or, as in my case, we think, "Well, I don't deserve these blessings, so obviously there is another shoe that will drop, so I may as well prepare myself and duck my head and wait for the rain instead of cherishing the sunshine." - what flawed thinking!- Yet, that's exactly what I did. And I do it every time. When will my heart and brain get it together and figure it out? He blesses me. And I need to be a steward to accept and appreciate the blessings and beyond that, USE THEM to honor Him.

My deep cries out to deep... and I want to go Home. And I want to learn to appreciate the promise of Home. Because that's exactly what I have been given.