Pray for Patrick today...Surgery.
Things are changing. I feel it - down deep. Changing on all fronts, really. Last night at work, I was offered a new full-time position that I really was not looking for or even desirous of... but the opportunity kind of jumped into my lap. It will help quite a bit with bills - making the pursuit for teaching a more feasible leap of faith.
Things are changing with friends and those that I call family and with ministry and with my place in it all. My place in their lives and in the roles that I have come to fill... it is all slowly becoming different and I feel like I am a fish out of water. I am having a hard time breathing and understanding all that happens but I am not sure if I really want to go back to the tank, either.
Maybe I am ready for a bigger pond to swim in. But I really don't like giving up the security of what's familiar and seemingly safe. I can't say it is comfortable because I feel like I have a pin in my back that keeps poking me and pushing me - and the pin becomes larger and more pointed by the day.
God, if this is You directing, then show me where to go and teach me to trust You. If it is me taking over, then take the wheel out of my hands and let it all out of my control, again. But please, don't leave me in the dark without answers or a direction.
I am free. In You. I am free. And this is just another turn in the trail we are blazing together... and I am free to follow You.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I have been thinking a lot about the word "Family" lately. What it looks like and what it is. Who is makes up my family.
Biologically, I have my parents and two sisters plus extended family. Biological family - you share the same DNA and basic genetic makeup. You are close because you are put together through life circumstances but the main closeness within a biological family seems to stem from being related. My family loves me. I know this. I love them. They know this, also.
But I really feel that family is more than just the biological. My family extends far beyond the shared DNA or last name... and a lot of my reasoning comes from being away from my parent's home for almost seven years now. I have lived across the country in a dorm and later in an apartment with roommates in both Texas and Utah. I learned that family is a much deeper tie than merely friendship, no matter how close the friendship may be. And the people that I do call family - are. And in my heart and mind, there has been no difference between them and the ones who share my blood.
Biologically, I have my parents and two sisters plus extended family. Biological family - you share the same DNA and basic genetic makeup. You are close because you are put together through life circumstances but the main closeness within a biological family seems to stem from being related. My family loves me. I know this. I love them. They know this, also.
But I really feel that family is more than just the biological. My family extends far beyond the shared DNA or last name... and a lot of my reasoning comes from being away from my parent's home for almost seven years now. I have lived across the country in a dorm and later in an apartment with roommates in both Texas and Utah. I learned that family is a much deeper tie than merely friendship, no matter how close the friendship may be. And the people that I do call family - are. And in my heart and mind, there has been no difference between them and the ones who share my blood.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Come, Holy Spirit, come.
As deep cries out to deep..."
Long for home. Long for Him and for Home with Him seated on His throne. Deep cries out to deep - I love that line. It is an amazing feeling when you realize that your deepest part, your most hidden place in your heart, cries and screams for Jesus. That you desire and need Him with literally every part of you. When you realize that you believe from the inside out.
God blessed me with things that I never expected last week. He showed me who was standing in front of me for so long and showed me the heart that was changed. He then gave me blessings far beyond what I expected or could have dreamed. And... to top it off... He KEPT BLESSING ME. With provision for so many things. He blows my mind. Last week, I was walking on a cloud because I could not believe all that He had done.
And true to Israelite form, I promptly forgot this week all of the blessings of last and walked around in a complete state of stir-craziness and boasted a severe case of cabin fever and determined to show my anger and angst and dissatisfaction with life and the inability to escape or take a break for a bit by rudely responding to pretty much ever person around me. Seriously, what kinda idiot... But, how is this different than any other believer?
We forget that we serve a God who WANTS to bless us. And desires us to be joyful and to REMAIN so. And then we act like spoiled children. Or, as in my case, we think, "Well, I don't deserve these blessings, so obviously there is another shoe that will drop, so I may as well prepare myself and duck my head and wait for the rain instead of cherishing the sunshine." - what flawed thinking!- Yet, that's exactly what I did. And I do it every time. When will my heart and brain get it together and figure it out? He blesses me. And I need to be a steward to accept and appreciate the blessings and beyond that, USE THEM to honor Him.
My deep cries out to deep... and I want to go Home. And I want to learn to appreciate the promise of Home. Because that's exactly what I have been given.
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep (we sing)
Come, Lord Jesus, come.
Come, Holy Spirit, come.
As deep cries out to deep..."
Long for home. Long for Him and for Home with Him seated on His throne. Deep cries out to deep - I love that line. It is an amazing feeling when you realize that your deepest part, your most hidden place in your heart, cries and screams for Jesus. That you desire and need Him with literally every part of you. When you realize that you believe from the inside out.
God blessed me with things that I never expected last week. He showed me who was standing in front of me for so long and showed me the heart that was changed. He then gave me blessings far beyond what I expected or could have dreamed. And... to top it off... He KEPT BLESSING ME. With provision for so many things. He blows my mind. Last week, I was walking on a cloud because I could not believe all that He had done.
And true to Israelite form, I promptly forgot this week all of the blessings of last and walked around in a complete state of stir-craziness and boasted a severe case of cabin fever and determined to show my anger and angst and dissatisfaction with life and the inability to escape or take a break for a bit by rudely responding to pretty much ever person around me. Seriously, what kinda idiot... But, how is this different than any other believer?
We forget that we serve a God who WANTS to bless us. And desires us to be joyful and to REMAIN so. And then we act like spoiled children. Or, as in my case, we think, "Well, I don't deserve these blessings, so obviously there is another shoe that will drop, so I may as well prepare myself and duck my head and wait for the rain instead of cherishing the sunshine." - what flawed thinking!- Yet, that's exactly what I did. And I do it every time. When will my heart and brain get it together and figure it out? He blesses me. And I need to be a steward to accept and appreciate the blessings and beyond that, USE THEM to honor Him.
My deep cries out to deep... and I want to go Home. And I want to learn to appreciate the promise of Home. Because that's exactly what I have been given.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
On my mind...
"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as {we are, yet} without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16.
He can and does sympathize. He knows. And He feels it all. He has been through it all. He still remained strong. I am so weak. I am not strong... I don't have the strength to wake up or breathe on my own without Him opening my eyes and giving me breath.
I can go with confidence, though, to Him - to that throne where He sits and sit before Him. There is a large measure of mercy, grace, and healing waiting there for me. Waiting for me to ask and receive.
"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10.
His grace is sufficient! His power - revealed when I am weakest. When I am waiting, when I am worn, and when I am broken from my own sin and trash- He is there. And strong...
"I am here for you now. I have been where you are now before, and I survived. I can help you get through this." - To Write Love On Her Arms.
"Be anxious for nothing but in all things by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your heart and mind at peace through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
...He already knows...and loves me the same...
"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29.
"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as {we are, yet} without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16.
He can and does sympathize. He knows. And He feels it all. He has been through it all. He still remained strong. I am so weak. I am not strong... I don't have the strength to wake up or breathe on my own without Him opening my eyes and giving me breath.
I can go with confidence, though, to Him - to that throne where He sits and sit before Him. There is a large measure of mercy, grace, and healing waiting there for me. Waiting for me to ask and receive.
"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2nd Corinthians 12:9-10.
His grace is sufficient! His power - revealed when I am weakest. When I am waiting, when I am worn, and when I am broken from my own sin and trash- He is there. And strong...
"I am here for you now. I have been where you are now before, and I survived. I can help you get through this." - To Write Love On Her Arms.
"Be anxious for nothing but in all things by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your heart and mind at peace through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
...He already knows...and loves me the same...
"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire." - Hebrews 12:28-29.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sometimes, the words are as simple as the message...
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15
Trust. In Perfect Love. Everlasting, Real, and True.
-There is only one true love for me... You.
-Believe in Truth.
-His blood... for you...
-Hold on tight... don't let me go...
For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15
Trust. In Perfect Love. Everlasting, Real, and True.
-There is only one true love for me... You.
-Believe in Truth.
-His blood... for you...
-Hold on tight... don't let me go...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I promised...
After three days of staying awake and thinking and plotting and planning and dreaming and scheming, my brain has turned to mush. Not the non-functioning sort of mush, but the too much activity and not enough REM's equaling to a forth-coming short-circuiting just kinda-dead sorta mush. You know the story.
I have been thinking about transparency and prayer and focusing and being disciplined and guarded and kneeling and surrendering and TRUTH and AGAPE. A lot of thinking... and a lot of questions. And even better, some really exciting answers.
My church in Texas, Crossroads, is doing this thing called Prayer 168... 168 hours of prayer. Focused, driven, devoted, on-your-knees, or flat-on-your-face, crying out to Abba, real deal prayer. There are prayer stations for all kinds of prayer - for the nations, the prodigals, the lost, the families, the church, the city, the state, the government, the ministries and missions, the children, the youth, the everything pretty much. And my favorite - the private prayers where whatever you and God have to sort out just gets hashed out and totally worked through. I want to do this... or something like that. I will write more about this later... still processing.
I love that tired feeling you have when you are contentedly exhausted and you are just ready to sink into the pillows and the down comforter and let the waves of whatever subconscious thoughts carry you away to dreamland. The one that I do not enjoy was the one that I experienced this morning... that worn out spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and just totally defeated tired. God was really amazing today to change my fatigue into just a pleasant sort of sleepiness. He was close today. I texted a friend this morning and told him that all I wanted was my journal, a huge hug, and a soft blanket. I still want the same things but the defeat has passed.
My God is the VICTOR... think about that... it is already over. There are no judges out trying to decide the case or replays over the match to see who got in the final blow. It was decided before any of it ever began and He wins. And man... that gives strength. So much. He wins.
There are a lot of things going on here right now. I have a lot of friends who are going through S.T.U.F.F. just lots of stuff... and most of it hurts and leaves us broken for them and praying and asking God why things change and get messed up and just in pain for our friends.
BUT... I read verses in Hebrews. Chapter one. And it says that He holds the universe together. HE HOLDS IT ALL... think about it. Not only does He count the hairs on our heads, watch every sparrow, catch every falling tear, change the weather, paint every sunset and sunrise, control all of time and space, create every living thing, AND continue to give it life, but He also stays in control of every situation and WILL always work all of it out for His good.
All of our stuff... somehow, He still makes beauty from ashes, strength from fear, and joy from sorrow. Praise.
After three days of staying awake and thinking and plotting and planning and dreaming and scheming, my brain has turned to mush. Not the non-functioning sort of mush, but the too much activity and not enough REM's equaling to a forth-coming short-circuiting just kinda-dead sorta mush. You know the story.
I have been thinking about transparency and prayer and focusing and being disciplined and guarded and kneeling and surrendering and TRUTH and AGAPE. A lot of thinking... and a lot of questions. And even better, some really exciting answers.
My church in Texas, Crossroads, is doing this thing called Prayer 168... 168 hours of prayer. Focused, driven, devoted, on-your-knees, or flat-on-your-face, crying out to Abba, real deal prayer. There are prayer stations for all kinds of prayer - for the nations, the prodigals, the lost, the families, the church, the city, the state, the government, the ministries and missions, the children, the youth, the everything pretty much. And my favorite - the private prayers where whatever you and God have to sort out just gets hashed out and totally worked through. I want to do this... or something like that. I will write more about this later... still processing.
I love that tired feeling you have when you are contentedly exhausted and you are just ready to sink into the pillows and the down comforter and let the waves of whatever subconscious thoughts carry you away to dreamland. The one that I do not enjoy was the one that I experienced this morning... that worn out spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally and just totally defeated tired. God was really amazing today to change my fatigue into just a pleasant sort of sleepiness. He was close today. I texted a friend this morning and told him that all I wanted was my journal, a huge hug, and a soft blanket. I still want the same things but the defeat has passed.
My God is the VICTOR... think about that... it is already over. There are no judges out trying to decide the case or replays over the match to see who got in the final blow. It was decided before any of it ever began and He wins. And man... that gives strength. So much. He wins.
There are a lot of things going on here right now. I have a lot of friends who are going through S.T.U.F.F. just lots of stuff... and most of it hurts and leaves us broken for them and praying and asking God why things change and get messed up and just in pain for our friends.
BUT... I read verses in Hebrews. Chapter one. And it says that He holds the universe together. HE HOLDS IT ALL... think about it. Not only does He count the hairs on our heads, watch every sparrow, catch every falling tear, change the weather, paint every sunset and sunrise, control all of time and space, create every living thing, AND continue to give it life, but He also stays in control of every situation and WILL always work all of it out for His good.
All of our stuff... somehow, He still makes beauty from ashes, strength from fear, and joy from sorrow. Praise.
Friday, December 18, 2009
.... those moments....
when you feel artistic and romantic and like writing, but there are no words that seem to work...
when the sound of Amy Lee and Evanescence and the piano caressing your ears is all that appeals to your sense of hearing...
and when a soft blanket, and yesterday's makeup, and hair down, and black t-shirts, with black comfy pants, and your favorite knit sweater make you feel beautiful...
when a journal and a pen are more natural than sleep or breathing even though you have absolutely nothing of value to say...
where there is too much and too little at the same time and words just don't cut it but somehow the song writers make millions and you just sit stuck...
when you are thinking about too many things and nothing at all and you can't grasp a single thought to create something of coherent intelligence...
when giggles and laughter and tears and pain and joy and sorrow and prayers and rants and promises and lies and hurt and abuse and release and rescue and beauty and truth and authenticity and God and faith and desire are all just a little too much and only the surface of your thoughts...
when sleep is not good enough but staying up no longer helps and fatigue sets in, but in less than two hours, insomnia fights...
when one plus one no longer equals two...
when you feel artistic and romantic and like writing, but there are no words that seem to work...
when the sound of Amy Lee and Evanescence and the piano caressing your ears is all that appeals to your sense of hearing...
and when a soft blanket, and yesterday's makeup, and hair down, and black t-shirts, with black comfy pants, and your favorite knit sweater make you feel beautiful...
when a journal and a pen are more natural than sleep or breathing even though you have absolutely nothing of value to say...
where there is too much and too little at the same time and words just don't cut it but somehow the song writers make millions and you just sit stuck...
when you are thinking about too many things and nothing at all and you can't grasp a single thought to create something of coherent intelligence...
when giggles and laughter and tears and pain and joy and sorrow and prayers and rants and promises and lies and hurt and abuse and release and rescue and beauty and truth and authenticity and God and faith and desire are all just a little too much and only the surface of your thoughts...
when sleep is not good enough but staying up no longer helps and fatigue sets in, but in less than two hours, insomnia fights...
when one plus one no longer equals two...
