I am making closer friendships and finally am at a point where I can talk and mostly be myself. God is taking care of us.

I miss my sister, though. So much.

Two new poems on http://warriordawn.blogspot.com - go check 'em out. Feedback welcome.

Ok, your job is to pray for a trained Christian psychologist to have the desire to move here and live here and work with the people. Someone with training in cutting, depression, mental illness, suicidal tendencies, abuse, polygamy, and the LDS church and soooo many other things. Someone who has a heart and passion and desire for Christ and is trained to reach the broken ones. We are all broken, but some need more than the simple hugs that I can give. That's where your prayers come in.

Let me show you and share with you what God and I talked about this morning. Normally, ok, never, do I share this stuff... but I think you may appreciate. We have been studying Hebrews in our morning Bible study and I have been studying about our inheiritance in Him. Connor sent me an INCREDIBLE sermon yesterday that I plan to share with a few of my girls. The title of it was He will never leave you.
Anyway, here's this mornings conversation.

-As I drink my drink, You are like a child. So excited. "Come, come, there is so much more that I have to show you, darling. Come, I can't wait for you to see. To teach you, as you sit here, and learn from me."
-Make my eyes reflect my heart and make my heart as one who is deeply in lve and make my love be You. When they see me, let them see me consumed by You.
-You are my Bridegroom, sweet and perfect. You won't leave me. I am beautiful in Your eyes, which are filled with desire, and I have an inheiritance in You.

Psalm 5:11-12 - "But let all who take refuge in You be glad. Let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them. That those who love Your name may exult in You. For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord, You surround him with favor as with a shield."

Substituted this morning. It was sweet... It is probably the only time, though, that I get frustrated with people for thinking I am younger than I am. I get tired of having to reassure teachers that not only am I more than qualified to substitute, but that in some of the cases, I have as much or MORE qualifications than they do, not to mention experience. I promise, I only look like a baby. I really have a lot to learn yet in the classroom, but I am not a spring chicken either... at least, not this past spring. Maybe a few before.

Ok, asking for help on a new blog template. This one is kinda boring me. I would love something new and a little more exciting. I like the dark colors and simplistic designs for ease of reading but something a bit nicer than this would be helpful. So, lemme know if you have ideas. I am capable of a little html but very limited. My last update on my other blog, I had to have Kate help me. Depending on who you are, I may let you do it yourself OR I may just get the info from you and do it myself. Either way, opinions welcome!

Also, I think it is about time to meet the readership... if there is much of any (and I know by the statcounter that I have at least a few regulars). So if you read more often than just a stumble across - say something! Comment and let us know you are there and who you are. Stumble across-ers can comment to, but then be sure to stumble back by again.

I decided there is a whole lot of touching in girl's basketball. I went to Tor's game this weekend and whew... I guess I never really realized it before but yeah, girls are way more pushy than the guys.

Oh, and for the Super Bowl fans, you will be proud of me for only sleeping through about 5 minutes of the game; (I couldn't sleep any more than that because the girls all screamed so loudly). One of the girls from our church - her brother in law was playing so we had a ton of people cheering for the Steelers. A few Arizona fans but their screams were muted by the others... And my spinach dip was great! :) Not all gone but that's alright. Ohh, and there are cookies and brownies left if you want some... Momma G's favorite flavors- chocolate and mint.

Random fact: I hate shoes and socks and slippers. I wear them out of desperation for warmth. I usually prefer to have cold feet than to have covered feet. This makes me anxious for a job where closed toe is no longer required.

COMMENT.

I am going to attempt something exciting. Spinach artichoke dip from our dear friend in Manti... the one with more than one entryway and kitchen in the house. My LU mission team should know. :) Yummy. Making it for the Super Bowl party that we are holding tomorrow. There are Steelers and Cardinal's posters up everywhere. Pretty funny since only about 3 people actually care about whose playing. The rest of us are just along for the ride.

Anyway, chocolate chip cookies, mint brownies, and spinach artichoke dip with chips are my contributions. Want some? Come join us! So yummy...

We had our Saturday morning ritual of breakfast at Subway. I was the only girl today, but that's alright. It was like old times. :) I enjoy having something regular to do other than work and I love having a "resturant" that knows who we are and what we will order. Makes me think of the Waffle Shoppe. I just wish they had good coffee at Subway...Chocolate milk is ok, though.

So last night was amazing. I was allowed to share the Gospel (the real one) with a girl after showing her the Impossible Gospel. It was amazing. I know that I said that already, but truthfully... She kept saying that she hadn't heard it like that before. Huh... I wonder why...

Lots of other cool things happened yesterday, too. A and C were here. I love hanging out with them. I need to work on staying awake during movies, though. I am notorious for falling asleep and that doesn't help anything much. Last night, I think I only dozed off for about 10 minutes, which is pretty decent.

OOOH, and I found a place to get Kate's favorite shirt. For cheap. Look in the mail eventually, girlie... you will be happy. :) Thank the girls who came in for a late night smoothie last night.

Speaking of smoothies... I am impressed with the results that I have seen from them lately...

Heh... I have been a little disappointed in the lack of response on the last post. Mostly because I kinda was hoping to start some dialogue but I guess if people actually decided to use the links, then the point was made. (Reminds me, I need to check the stat counter to see if the links really were used much.)

Anyway, so I kind of feel the need to breathe a huge sigh of relief but at the same time, to just cry and cry. No, this isn't just a girl thing. More like a Whoa God thing. It happens and there has been a very intense spiritual battle going on right now covering several fronts and affecting a TON of people and it finally seems like we can see God as the Victor (we always knew He is but sometimes it is hard to SEE). But... still having a hard time seeing HOW this victory will be achieved.


I remember this one time as a kid I overheard my mom on the phone with someone. She was talking about how something that I said to her (I was only about 10 at the time) had really hit her hard and at first it hurt her like crazy. Later it made her really stop and think and evaluate. She said that it was not the first time that I had gotten into her face and been a voice that was pretty blunt and abrasive but fairly truthful. I have no clue now what I said. I barely remember it except that I remember her changing some after that. And it was for the better. A little less screaming. At least for awhile.


My point is that I have pretty much always been a stir-stick for a pretty messy pot and I have a really bad knack for bring all of those things out to the top of the pot so they can be seen and messed with. Sometimes, this can be good. Others... well. yeah. Anyway, this is not necessarily a bad quality. Paul was very similar. Countless times he says "and this I hold against you..." after complimenting this church or that. I just want to learn how to speak in LOVE like Paul did and how to LISTEN to the Holy Spirit like he did. Because if I keep stirring pots without adding a little seasoning of grace and humilty and love... well let's just say this will be one nasty soup. Holy Spirit - speak through me or shut me up.

Lessons learned.

And you NEED to check out those links on the last post. Seriously. And feedback. Lots of it. We can't be afraid of issues like these because these are the real ones that we sit and hide every Sunday and throughout most of our week. As I learn to speak in love, maybe we all need to learn to speak OUT.

Tomorrow is my sister's 22nd birthday. She has been protected by God in a big way. I remember everything that could go wrong did for her while we were growing up. She has been through a lot and has survived. She has battled and still battles severe depression (most of which is caused by enviroment and mental/physical health issues). She is my hero. I don't have a single memory from before college where she wasn't involved at least in some way. At least... not until I started dating, anyway. We have been worst enemies at times but I can't remember a time when it was death for whoever dared to step foot against her. I was the big sister and consequently a bit overprotective. She is fragile but a lot stronger than she is given credit for. I remember when we had to hide the pills, I remember when she learned to ride her bike, and to write, and called me "Shesha" and when she graduated from high school. I remember yelling at my grandfather for spanking her because I didn't think she deserved it. I remember stepping in countless times on other occasions.

I think she is also one of the reasons that To Write Love on Her Arms is so dear to me. She is one of the many that I hold close that has been there. I have dealt with a lot of the issues that TWLOHA addresses as well. Please, take the time to check out their site and get to know their cause. They are about making a change and facing the things that the rest of us hide from. We are so scared to face the topics of death, depression, suicide, cutting, drugs, abuse and others. We are terrified of not knowing what to say. Of not knowing how to simply FIX it. TWLOHA lets you know that is ok to not be ok. It is ok to admit that you hurt and that you need help, you need community, you need to tell your story, you need a reason to hope, you need love. You need redemption. We need redemption.

I remember finding out about them shortly before they came to LU one fall with XXXCHURCH (the number 1 Christian porn site). The two groups together shook up our school, but sadly, not enough. Only some of us were shaken enough to hold on to what we were given that week. I first read about TWLOHA online when a friend showed it to me through mySpace.

Read their stories. On both sites. See their passion. Don't be afraid to address the hard stuff. It is real. It exists. Why hide?

by the way: xxxchurch is an anti-porn website set up to help people find recovery and help from this addiction. Their story explains the name and their hearts for God explain their mission. The site has some really great accountability software that you can download for free to protect your computer and yourself from the nasty crap that you can come across... intentionally or not. And a TON of testimonies. Check it out.

I have an uncanny sense of BAD timing. Cassie - always perfect timing with her encouraging notes, prayers, scriptures, etc. Most everything I have observed about that girl includes great timing. Brett is much the same. Me... not so much. I got out all of my stuff today so that I could be productive and talk to the loan companies for hours on end about consolidating my loans and making payment plans and getting my little self out of a mountain of school debt. And then I reached the voicemail... "our office is closed today for the holiday, please call back tomorrow..." UGH. I forgot. Again. Dang it... You better bet that tomorrow I will plan to call. Plan because well.. there are no gurrantees that the state of productivity extends past today since it usually comes in spurts. Very short spurts.

My poor timing extends to other areas of life as well. So do my discretionary skills. But that is another issue that I don't want to discuss.

I have been exploring plane tickets - have to go to Maine in June for my little sister's graduation. If any of you know of cheap flights, lemme know. Salt Lake City, UTh to Portland, ME, preferably. Cheaper the better. That loan mountain of debt is loaming and I need to be a bit more attentive to its' presence than I have been thus far. I still consider LU worth every dime and penny. Well, most every dime and penny.

I wish our brains came with a thinking/dwelling/contemplating-shut-off button. I would make great use of that once in awhile. I don't have one, so any time now that I may seem to be making use of it... well, usually I am just not being as discretionary as necessary...

God is bigger than us. It is a good thing.