The song says, "In Christ alone, my hope is found. Let it be said of me, in every victory, in Christ alone is my source of help, my strength." - I want this to be true. How much I want it... But the reality is that often, I don't have many victories. More often, I screw up. I did that recently. Pretty badly. Pretty big. And I have done nothing but cry and pray since. Literally... my throat is so sore (combination of crying and the dry Utah air...).

He is ENOUGH. And at times, I really wish He would step in and say, "That's enough." Because I often am not good at judging that point in time... when enough is enough and it is time to sit down and shut my mouth. But even in that, even in my mistakes, He is still enough. That is hard for me to comprehend at times.

I almost didn't want to post again for awhile, just because I am still not sure how things will turn out or what's going to happen. I know that I messed up. I have asked for forgiveness and I have no clue what else to do. How amazing my God is, that He never gets to a point where He doesn't know. He can fix even this. Even this mistake, this brokenness, and even those that I hurt and me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 and 10 were our floor verses for G1 my first year at LU. I cherish those verses so much for so many reasons. I feel so weak so often and yet, it really doesn't matter because He is always strong. And He will ALWAYS make good things come of the circumstances that we find ourselves in. Our God won't give up.

I was reading a blog today called Bring the Rain. I found it on Kelly's blog linked on one of her old posts and decided on a whim to open it. Man... in the midst of the anguish that this woman must have gone through, I could feel a bandaid being put on me. I continued to pray for the ones that I hurt and for God to work out in it all and as I did, I watched this lady's story unfold of what God has done for her. I almost NEVER read random blogs, especially of people that I don't know. But this one... you should check it out.

Yesterday, the first thing when I walked into work, a customer yelled at me. She had been poorly treated in the back of the store by a different associate. I have no idea what happened but she demanded to see a manager and to have the problem corrected - as she had every right to. She then asked me to cash out her mountainous basket of leftover-Christmas goodies at the customer service desk. I am not allowed to cash out more than a couple of items at my counter because it is not equipped to handle large quantities. We are set up for refunds, not purchases. She got very upset with me for my refusal. I politely sent her to another register, one that had an incredibly short line for that time of day (this was during the busy stretch of the evening) and explained why I could not check her out at my register. Eventually, the manager came up and helped the woman to calm down and relieve her anxiety about whatever had transpired before I arrived.

I tell you this story, because I find that I am like this ALL the time with God. It is a habit that I desperately want to break and one that I bet if you were honest, you probably have as well. We feel mistreated by someone, we didn't get what we think we deserve or want and we demand justice. Then while waiting on God, we continue to berate and belittle those around us in attempts to make ourselves feel better, thus taking that justice into our own hands. The woman yelling at me did nothing to help her own situation or to make her feel better. And when someone who COULD help her was able to do so, she was still ungrateful. What I deserve from God and what He has given me are totally different. Help me to remember to always be grateful.

Another day, a woman came in and just started venting to me about a product that she wanted but could not find. I could not help the woman because we do not sell the product in our store. So I just listened. All the woman really needed was an ear. She had a long day and she has a family and she has this and that issue waiting for her and this one little product was just one more straw on the camel's back. She just wanted someone to listen. Thank you, Father, for being my ear.

And last story... last night. A gentleman who was not incredibly gentlemanly-like came in and stated that his pizza box said "Love it or your money back." I don't know what idiot put that on the box but because they did, we were bound to give him his money back. I personally think if you can eat half the pizza surely you can say that you enjoyed it enough to swallow but... hey, who am I to argue? The point is that because he did not get EXACTLY what he wanted, he was asking for a refund. For some reason, we think we have a right to this. We pay for. We expect something. We don't get what we expect and we want our money back. But have we ever really thought about what we are paying for? What HE offers me is so much more but because I don't get what I think I need or want and because I don't always love it, I at times hear myself demanding my money back. Except... what have I ever given to begin with? Seriously...

Anyway... things to think about. It feels like a whirlwind. I can't wait for the dust to settle down so that I can think clearly again... but in the meantime, I am going to keep praying. He is enough.

God has a way of slowing us down when we need it. Today was no exception. I slept pretty much the entire day, called into work, and nursed a very upset stomach and headache. There is no possible way that I could have the pain tolerance needed to survive Kate's migraines. I am such a pansy.
Last night, we had a jam session and just played music and sang and read and prayed. It was beautiful and I found myself wishing that I could just stop and stay and not have to DO anything. I was laying there in an inbetween state of awake and asleep and in prayer and just resting in the Throne Room. It was one of those moments that I didn't want to end. The moments when I feel like it is ok to just REST with Him are so rare but sooo precious.
For the last week, we have watched movies most every night. I fall asleep within the first five minutes of most all of them. One night, Gabe put on Princess Bride right after I woke up from the movie that I had watched earlier with Celeste. We sat down to watch it together with a nice sized group of people and apparently I didn't even make it to the sword fight (one of my favorite scenes). Everyone left the room one by one and Gabe turned the movie off when he realized that he was the only one watching it. Today I made up for it and watched the movie in it's entireity for the millionth time - staying awake only because my headache refused sleep to blissfully claim me.
I love peppermint tea, chicken soup, and Sprite. I miss your soup, Stan. This was good but not the same. Yes, I made mine from scratch, too. I can't eat the canned stuff anymore... spoiled baby.

You stand beside me.
You do not move or sway.
You never leave...
never go away.

You hold me close.
Your grip so tight.
You keep me safe...
in darkest night.

You are Father.
You are peace.
You are Savior...
sick sin release.

Your always true.
Your Word is pure.
You give hope...
eternal life secure.

You run to rescue.
You died for me.
Forgive them...
Your only plea.

You are Master.
You are grace.
You are safe...
You've run the race.

Thank you Father.
Thank you Savior.
Thank you Lord.
Rescued me...
from myself and so much more.

So, I figured it might be wise to post my testimony on here for those of you who may not know it already. There is a VERY real reason why the LDS specificially are the people that I work with and a lot of that has to do with my story.

I grew up as a military brat, always moving and constantly the new kid up until my family moved to Maine. I was almost always in church of some kind, usually Southern Baptist, and was always a leader in my youth group and with my peers and the little kiddos. I was the ideal little christian girl...

Backing up by about 10 years, I was also dedicated when I was a baby to something called Rainbow. This group is connected to a very old fraternal organization called Masonry. Masonry goes back in my family on my mom's side for countless generations. The one who got me involved was my grandfather - I joined under his name. So, I was dedicated as an infant and then when I was 11 I made the choice to actually officially join the order. I was involved for 11 years, going up in rank and authority until I finally was the leader of my own group and a representative to others around the world.

Let me take a second and explain what Rainbow and Masonry are. Masonry derives it's roots from the building of Solomon's Temple. The methods used in stone masonry were used also in rituals that were performed to give significance and symbolism to each part of the building process. It was formed to create a brotherhood and union between the men and involves oaths and vows, made upon the Holy Bible and whatever other scriptures the men of the order subscribe to. The Masons believe in the Great Architect - who is the Higher Power and Supreme Being. They believe that through progression of degrees and rituals - learning to understand the significance and symbolism behind each degree or practice, they can attain enlightenment. Very similarily to the LDS doctrine, there is a LOT of works based beliefs in the Masonic teaching. Masonry has a lot of different beliefs mixed into it but will claim to just be a fraternal organization - a social or business club. A lot of people join for the benefits of the oath. If you make a vow to someone with blood, usually you keep it and that entices a lot of business deals to be made within the membership. Most people don't actually go very deep into the organization because they are satisfied with the social benefits. Eastern Star, Rainbow, and Demolay are all branches from Masonry created to make it a more family oriented enviroment. Everyone works together for enlightenment. Sounds all nice and commune style. But there is a lot of witchcraft involved in the rituals, a lot of Masonic beliefs extend into Mormonism - (Joseph Smith was a Mason), and a lot of New Age'y relativistic, Buddhist ideas as well.

Ok, now that that part is out of the way, I can continue my story. So... I was involved in Rainbow. Joined at age 11 by way of initiation. This is a series of rituals that span over the course of almost an hour and a half. It is messed up and you usually don't remember a thing after it is over. But by the time I got out of Rainbow, I knew it all by heart because I was responsible for the initiations of countless other girls. Literally... countless. I helped all over the state. I was good at what I did and I did it a lot. My grandfather on my dad's side joined Masonry in order to share that fraternal Masonic connection with me.


I was in church and I was in Rainbow. I was a hypocrite because they did not match up with their doctrines or beliefs or practices. Along comes high school. I am at the top of my game in Rainbow and in church youth group - mission trips and youth camps galore. I also am involved in AFJROTC because I wanted the scholarship for college. Besides, being a military brat, it meant a lot to me to support the military endeavors. What I ended up doing was getting in with a bunch of gays and lesbians and bi-sexual kids who all pressured me to change my lifestyle. It did not happen but I did do a lot of research on all of the religions that they professed. And most of that involved Wicca and some other weird messed up forms of witchcraft or New Age crap. All of these competing ideas and beliefs in my head were enough to make me scream. That equaled out to be three separate lives that I was living by this point.

I had yet another life. I was abused by a babysitter when I was five. He was about 14 and had found his dad's porn. He used the porn and me to experience whatever sick pleasures he decided to one evening. This was not as severe as some of the issues that some have faced, but it was enough to make a permenant impact on me. I remember every single detail of that night and it haunted me in nightmares for countless nights afterward. As a result, I ended up pretty self-destructive but only in ways that you could not visibly see. My pain was expressed without cutting or any visible signs because I had to continue to be the poster Rainbow girl. Rainbow girls need to look perfect. Always.

God is crazy cool. He put an incredibly strong desire in my heart for children and for teaching. I was able to do some classes in high school pertaining to this concentration and later was able to go to a Christian college - LeTourneau University. Don't ask me where the desire came from to go to a Christian school because I still don't know. I was involved in church still, so my guess is that I thought I was a Christian - why not go to a Christian school? All I know is that God led me to LU where my life literally flipped upside down.

I left Maine and went to Texas for college. My decision was not very well recieved by my family because of the distance but I had been traveling on my own since I was about 12 so it did not really bother me to be so far away. God immediately surrounded me with some AMAZING Christian women on my dorm floor who lived out their lives on a daily basis with God. I saw some of them at their darkest points and saw them make the choice to fall MORE in love with God rather than get angry at Him. The peace that these girls had was crazy. I did not understand it at all. I started asking questions and who better to ask than the crazy goth chaplain named Kate? ;) So, we became friends. According to her version, I became a leach and she couldn't get rid of me and ended up liking me. She lived a life of faith and obedience to Christ and it was free from the WORKS that I had grown up with. The good things she did were an outflow of her love for Christ. That was insane. Seriously. Who does good things because they want to? Really, I was baffled. I signed up for a spring break missions trip thinking I would go to Mexico and work with little kids and use my five years of Spanish classes. No. I was sent to Utah. Suck.


So... I get to Utah and come face to face for the first time with the reality of what I had been involved in. I saw Mormonism for what it really was by seeing the Art and History museum and Temple Square. I went through and did a TON of research and knew without a doubt that I did not agree with LDS doctrines. But I was standing smack dab in front of a sign that had the Masonic All-Seeing-Eye on it. Whattha? Masonic symbols don't belong here, I was thinking. Then I got really really scared because I realized for the first time that there was something seriously wrong with my beliefs.


I came back from spring break pretty upset and jumpy. Spoke with Kate many times and as the spring turned to summer, I went back to Maine for break. Kate continued to talk to me online each night while we both worked at factories on graveyard shift. We were talking one evening in June and she sent me a copy of a story that she had been writing. It was her testimony in story form and she prayed over each section before writing it to be sure that she wrote the words that God had for her. She prayed over this one section but it wasn't really part of her story. She sent it to me to review and said that she was told by God to write it but that it was kind of odd to her. I read it and immediately realized why. It wasn't Kate's story, it was mine. It was describing my assembly hall and my rituals. I was involved both in Rainbow and Eastern Star (the older version for adult women) by this time and what she wrote depicted perfectly what I did. It was intense. I was blown away. And in tears. I told Kate that I needed to do something because this was all wrong. She said that I needed to choose between God and Rainbow. That night I chose God. I chose grace and truth. God washed me out. It was one of the hardest and most incredible nights I can ever remember.

Things did not get better immediately. Infact, it took about a year before my "spiritual bootcamp" finally was over. It was incredibly hard. I was engaged prior to college and my engagement broke off. It was an unhealthy relationship and God decided it was also a distraction from the attention He desired from me. My grandfather who joined Masonry to be with me died of a stroke that was brought on at a Masonic function. And my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And... I still had yet to tell my family that I had made the most important decision of my life. Ugh... It was my hell year. And oddly enough, God was closer that year than ever before or since. He was right there. I remember one night crying and crying in Speer Chapel (this one place we would go to pray and sing at LU) and God spoke to me and said basically, "Look, I gave everything for you. You need to be willing to give everything for me. I am enough for you. Trust me." It was insanely difficult to give in to those words, but as always, He was right.

God sent me back to Utah and allowed me the chance to see the potential for ministry He had given my by rescuing me from myself. I could understand in a unique way the stories of the former Mormons and the current LDS who were scared to leave the church because of losing their families or the doctrines of works. I identified with these people and fell in love with them. God has since continued to grow my love and understanding for the Mormons and allowed the chance to continue working with them both in our town in Texas and here in Utah. Every year for spring break we have come up here to Chip and Jamie's and been able to minister. Most all of my close friends have joined in this ministry and we were able to work together. That was how I was discipled - by being thrown into a full time mission field and being at LU and at my church in Texas - Crossroads.

God used my best friend, Kate, to rescue me and she became my sister, taking me in when I had no where to go. My family pretty much told me that if I did not agree with their beliefs that I could go ahead and leave. I was told this several times. There is a lot of anger and brokenness still in my family.

My story is not even close to being as tragic as some but it has been a crazy ride for me. Sooooo much healing has taken place and it has all been because of a crazy awesome Holy and Mighty God. One that is big enough to fix even my largest and dumbest mistakes. God gave me family when I had none. He gave me food when I was running out of money. He gave me shelter when I had no place to go. He gave me education and He gave me an entirely new life. You have no idea how amazing it has been. :)

Zach, Brolin, Ben, Candice - all left or leaving.

There have been entirely too many goodbyes lately. Texas... here... I do not like it. Thank God for cell phones and email... but it really does not even come close to making up for the in person-thing.

I am going to miss a lot of people.

Amazing dinner. Play time with Braegs. Got off work in plenty of time to be productive. Why do I feel so empty and dry? Yet, ironically enough, my eyes are still full of salty wet. I need lotion... for the insides. Cracked and bleeding.

Another quiet night with Norah Jones. Seeing Deeds today was needed. Seriously.

I am in need of familiar. And normal. And Home. I disgust myself. I have been given my DREAM ministry and I am sooooo discontent. God, rescue me from me. And heal the broken places.

I have always had issues with the word "Home." It's definetion is very illusive to me. I have a hard time calling a place "home" - for one, I haven't really ever stayed in one place at a time for a long period of time. I also would like to define it as the place where you can be you - loved, accepted, and completely unconditional. Where you are known and know the ones that you are with.

I moved to Texas in the fall of 2003. I became a Christian during the summer of 2004 while in Maine for break. And my discipleship began the instant that I was back in Texas after that summer. Life was insane. And the people who became family to me were the ones who were there during the next preceding five plus years of school and work and life, most of which occurred in Texas. I learned what it is to live in and have community - to be known by a group of people who love as Christ loves and who see me as He sees me. I learned what it was like to KNOW people - a big deal for a military brat who never really stuck around long enough to get to know anyone. And I learned what it was like to live as a Christian - a life of ministry and chaos. Way too many epic adventures.

That's what I miss. The people that I "grew up" with (as a Christian) are the ones that are still in Texas. And I honestly did NOT want to return to Utah after this trip. Texas, specifically Crossroads, Kate, LeTourneau, the Walters, the Carls, and Kate's mom, and the others - they are home.

And no matter how much I want it to be, Utah is not home yet to me. There is a ministry here that I KNOW that I belong in, I KNOW these are the people that I am called to be with - these lost and so incredibly broken people... But, knowing this does not mean that it is what "I" want. Not all the time, anyway. Life is very different here. Please don't misunderstand, it is NOT all bad. I am currently sitting next to some of my favorite people here, ones that I love dearly. And when I am doing the ministry that I am called to - working with the little kids at the school and getting the opportunity at work or at the cafe to explain what Grace and Truth are... there is nothing that can compare. It is hard, though. Because here, you have to watch your words, you have to be on your guard at all times. And the amount of eyes and ears around... sometimes you get overwhelmed.

And try as I might, it will take time to know the people here and to be known by the people here in a way that is even close to as intimate as the ones in Utah. We are so much farther along now than we were at the beginning and that will continue to grow into deep relationships....

But yeah... at the end of it all... I am homesick.