There are so many words and lyrics and phrases and verses and the words are running through my mind so fast with the letters jumbled and in various sizes of print and fonts and colors and meanings and emotions and places and sounds and smells and memories and ideas and thoughts.

And my brain is overloaded and my stupid idealistic romantic side wants to write it all out, but the problem is that you can't make sense of nonsensical musings and poetry doesn't form from nothing but from something... a single thought or feeling that you can finally grasp a-hold of and cling to and get to obey long enough to create something simple and beautiful. But I can't grab hold of any of them... they move too quickly and there are too many and using most of them would be plagiarism anyway. You can't take other people's lines... they are for sharing but not for using. Like reusing an engagement ring, it is just wrong on the inside.


And the friend sits crying and I don't have any words for her, so I just type "listening" so that she knows that I am still there and I sit and do exactly that because I can't do anything else. Trapped by the words floating all over space in my mind's eye and the pain that she conveys and the lack of ability to express my own thoughtful ideas and whatever small encouragement that I may have.


You understand... they want what God wants. They want to mend. They want to not be broken. But being broken is good because it means growing and growing is good because it is what God wants. But it hurts and no one ever wants to hurt. And the words just don't come... not even a verse.

There are never enough words. And sometimes, there are too many.




Silence...

So dense...


I just had the thought that in a world where we demand for everything to be instant and at our fingertips... you would think that a faith that provides total, complete, and instant forgiveness of sin and immediate promise of eternity in Heaven with God - well, it sounds like it should be right up our alley? Right... ? I guess I don't really understand why we are so blind to the only instant thing that can actually satisfy...

Because it is work? After the promise, you realize "oh crap! This requires my life to change...damn." But hello, sunshine, guess what? Something that I have been long in learning... that change is for our better. For my better. Dear one, why are you so lazy? Do you really have nothing better to do with your time? Allow the One who rescued you to help you to grow.

He promised you eternity. Can you not offer Him even this one night? Think about it, love.

I love the words to this song - All That I Can Say, by David Crowder Band
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


I often feel that way... that I really don't have much to say except that I need You. I need Your arms and I need Your help and I need to see You and feel You and know You are there. And I need to see past me. Usually, seeing past me is the biggest problem. How on earth do I get so big... take up so much space, that I can't see beyond me, myself, and I? That what You are just kind of disappears... until You sit me down and show me something far bigger... far greater... and far more worthy of attention. And then... I end up consumed by how small I am... again, coming back to me. Notice the pattern here? Feeling a little tired of it.

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

but...

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


You are worthy. Teach me to pay attention. And all of those little needs end up taken care of naturally when I sit and listen to Your Word wash over, cleaning my head, my hands, and my heart.

What does it mean to be authentic? To be real? Candid, honest, open... What does it mean to have integrity? How closely connected are these concepts - to be authentic and to have integrity?
In my mind, it has always been that you cannot have one without the other.

I have a lot of experience with masks. I spent a huge part of my life wearing them - all painted perfectly to show the face that my superiors or peers wanted to see. I tried to please everyone. I tried to hide behind the masks and show a smile at all times because I knew that no one likes to see the tears or the snot on your face or the vomit in the toliet or hear the cries in the night. No one enjoys that stuff... so why show it? Seriously, why show what breaks my heart when no one really needs to know anyway? They can't fix it. Right?

But then... well, something big happened. SOMEONE happened, actually. Someone who taught me that it is ok to not be ok. It is ok to be sick, to hurt, to cry, to scream, to have a mess. To be a mess. It is ok to ask for help. And it is ok to show those parts of yourself. The trick, is allowing the ones who see the reality to also be there for you - helping you gain the strength, the courage to step out of that reality into what God has for you... into something that is somehow, less broken, less painful, and less messy... until gradually, you look around the now clean room and wonder what the hell happened to all the stuff you had tossed about or carefully stored away. It is all swept out, packed up, dumped in the trash, and new things are in their place... and you realize, damn, this is so much better... why didn't I go to Him before?

He taught me that it is ok to not be alright and it is ok to hurt and it is ok to talk about it and to show people. And that as long as the people I am showing are solidly built on His foundation, they will be able to help me through. And love. And discipline. And care enough to dig deeper and be the body that pulls you out of that muck and quick sand.

It is ok to not be ok. It is not ok to stay that way. And it is not ok to hide behind your mask saying it is all fine when your eyes betray your lies. It is not ok to pretend away the pain of life and push aside the brothers and sisters who care enough to reach out and listen.

I was drawn to LeTourneau because for the first time in my life, when someone asked me how I was doing, they stopped. They turned. And they looked me in the eye and they listened. I froze. I did not know how to respond. What? You mean... you want an answer to that question? You must be joking. No one actually wants to know how you are. They just ask to be polite. At least in my world. Until that point. I learned something new there... I learned to only ask if I mean it. And I learned to expect a candid response... something real - where the eyes and the actions and the words all line up to convey reality and not a story.

I am tired of masquerade balls. I am tired of pretty faces. I am tired of smiles that only reach halfway. I am ready to meet some eyes. Ready to see some hearts. And ready to share mine...

Something Lighter...

Some music for you... These songs were given to me recently (or not so recently...) or I found, and I am falling in love with each of them. The first is the newest - got it last night from Doug.The last five are from my two favorite bands. I love the lyrics and the sound of each of these... Enjoy. :)

What Do I Know Of Holy? - Addison Road

Changed By You - Between the Trees

Beloved - Tenth Avenue North

Take Me In - Kutless

By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North

The Last Night - Skillet

Those Nights - Skillet

Yours To Hold - Skillet

Caroline - Seventh Day Slumber

Every Saturday - Seventh Day Slumber

Restore To Me - Keith Green

Sometimes things get stuck in my head. Sometimes I overanalyze. Sometimes God puts it there. Usually, I learn something from the mantra repeating over and over during my waking and sleeping hours in the deep and crazy parts of my mind.

"Restore to me...
The joy of Your salvation...
Don't cast me away from Your presence, O Lord...
Don't take Your Spirit away from me...

Hid Your face from my sin,
from my iniquity...

Restore to me...

Deliver me from this tower of darkness,
from the pain and brokeness,
I will sing of Your lovingkindness,
of Your righteousness.

Restore to me...
the joy of Your salvation.
The wonders of Your love...

Restore to me, restore to me."

I saw two of my friends become my siblings in the last month. They asked Him to give them salvation. And He has... because He is faithful. Always faithful. Watching their hearts change, their lives change... it is beautiful.

Keep them in prayer. They have a lot of growing to do and a lot of brokenness yet to be healed.

The lyrics to this song run over and over in my head as I observe them and their new walks. Their joy is contagious and their peace is amazing. Their excitement makes me excited.

I have that joy. Most of the time. A lot of the time, at least. I still get excited. I still have epiphanies when He teaches me something new. But I don't have it every day anymore. I don't have it all the time. It shows a growth and maturity - moving past the infatuation stage to a real and deep love with Him. But at the same time, I miss it. I miss when I would learn something new in devos or chapel and then run to tell Kate about it or a professor or someone else just because I HAD to tell them. Surely, I was the only one who knew this truth. So SURELY I had to tell everyone else about it. Instantly. Not realizing they learned it already... but... that's ok. My enthusiasm was contagious then as my friends' are now. And it has not been that long for me. Not long at all.

And there is still a lightyear and more left to learn and experience. Bring it on... but give me Your strength.

"You carry me to the table...I'm carried to the table... The table of the Lord..."

These lyrics have been playing on Jamie's overhead sound system the past couple of days and describe beautifully how I keep seeing it play out in my head. I recieved a call late Sunday morning from my dad telling me that my paternal grandmother had a stroke. For those who don't know the background story, my paternal grandfather died of a stroke about 4 years ago. He had the stroke while at a Masonic function. Joined Masonry for me... Not that there is a co-relation there, but in my mind, well, let's just say it was hard to deal. Anyway, I was told to be in prayer and to be ready because I may need to fly out for my grandmother to Ohio. I activated my prayer warriors and we prayed. And kept praying. Recieved a call last night telling me to pack my bags and get out there ASAP. I had this crazy awesome peace.

That kind that comes when you KNOW it will be okay. You KNOW that you are in His hands and you KNOW that only good can come from the situation, because you are in His will and He is in control. It is the deep overwhelming and underlying peace that consumes. The joy that goes beyond being happy. It is beautiful. It is ONLY in Christ.

So, I started praying again. So did everyone else. And throwing clothes all over my bedroom in a vain attempt to start packing. And researching for plane tickets while praying for money to purchase said tickets. God provided all of the above. But... before actually purchasing any tickets or my paperwork going through for approved LOA from work, my dad called yet again. She has made a complete 180 degree turn-around. From life support ready to sitting up, talking, and coherently communicating.

AND... as a blessing or cool reminder for me, God gave me friends who were fantastic through the entire 36 hour ordeal through prayer and listening ears and star-gazing and hugs and offers to help out. Friends in multiple time zones and states all praying over the same issue to the same God. How fantastic is that?!?! Seriously... I LOVE reminders of how crazy He is.

GOD gets all the glory. It is so cool to me - sitting with Jamie, I prayed just that He would do His will and that there would be a miracle. Either God reaches my family with His love through all of this or He heals her body - either way, He would be honored. And He did. All of the above.

So grateful for the One that we serve. Carried to the table. When we can't walk because there is no strength... we are carried there and get to join in on the feast. And this time around, I was served peace.