Amazing dinner. Play time with Braegs. Got off work in plenty of time to be productive. Why do I feel so empty and dry? Yet, ironically enough, my eyes are still full of salty wet. I need lotion... for the insides. Cracked and bleeding.

Another quiet night with Norah Jones. Seeing Deeds today was needed. Seriously.

I am in need of familiar. And normal. And Home. I disgust myself. I have been given my DREAM ministry and I am sooooo discontent. God, rescue me from me. And heal the broken places.

I have always had issues with the word "Home." It's definetion is very illusive to me. I have a hard time calling a place "home" - for one, I haven't really ever stayed in one place at a time for a long period of time. I also would like to define it as the place where you can be you - loved, accepted, and completely unconditional. Where you are known and know the ones that you are with.

I moved to Texas in the fall of 2003. I became a Christian during the summer of 2004 while in Maine for break. And my discipleship began the instant that I was back in Texas after that summer. Life was insane. And the people who became family to me were the ones who were there during the next preceding five plus years of school and work and life, most of which occurred in Texas. I learned what it is to live in and have community - to be known by a group of people who love as Christ loves and who see me as He sees me. I learned what it was like to KNOW people - a big deal for a military brat who never really stuck around long enough to get to know anyone. And I learned what it was like to live as a Christian - a life of ministry and chaos. Way too many epic adventures.

That's what I miss. The people that I "grew up" with (as a Christian) are the ones that are still in Texas. And I honestly did NOT want to return to Utah after this trip. Texas, specifically Crossroads, Kate, LeTourneau, the Walters, the Carls, and Kate's mom, and the others - they are home.

And no matter how much I want it to be, Utah is not home yet to me. There is a ministry here that I KNOW that I belong in, I KNOW these are the people that I am called to be with - these lost and so incredibly broken people... But, knowing this does not mean that it is what "I" want. Not all the time, anyway. Life is very different here. Please don't misunderstand, it is NOT all bad. I am currently sitting next to some of my favorite people here, ones that I love dearly. And when I am doing the ministry that I am called to - working with the little kids at the school and getting the opportunity at work or at the cafe to explain what Grace and Truth are... there is nothing that can compare. It is hard, though. Because here, you have to watch your words, you have to be on your guard at all times. And the amount of eyes and ears around... sometimes you get overwhelmed.

And try as I might, it will take time to know the people here and to be known by the people here in a way that is even close to as intimate as the ones in Utah. We are so much farther along now than we were at the beginning and that will continue to grow into deep relationships....

But yeah... at the end of it all... I am homesick.

After a two-hour delay, some crazy snow, and one more hour delay, and one guy with a crazy staring problem, I am back in Texas. Home.

Saw Brett and Britt and Momma G and my sister tonight. Home.

Hello, my name is Flic and I am a procrastinator. It has been zero minutes since my last procrastinating activity - blogging/email checking. I am putting off cleaning my apartment and packing my things for Texas. Not because I am not insanely ready to be in Texas, but just because I despise packing. With a hardcore violent passion. It really is not fun. No amount of good music or movies can make this incredibly tedious chore better. BUT.... I WILL BE IN TEXAS IN LESS THAN THREE DAYS!!!!!! Woot!

So, cool story. We were donated 1,500$ by an "anonymous" donor for Christmas to make "Christmas" happen for neighbors and people around town. We chose the Girl's home, a co-worker of mine, and one of Kristin's, our neighbors on the street, and a couple of other families. This has been an amazing experience. SOOO much fun. We blitzed Walmart and bought a TON of stuff for people - things that would make for a great family night or a "pamper yourself" evening or whatever we knew those special ones needed. That was crazy. Today the gifts are all being delievered. I am stoked. I am praying hardcore for my coworker and her family. I want the gifts to be well-recieved and enjoyed but more importantly, I really really really want her to know how insanely loved by God she is. This woman is absolutely beautiful - His Light in her is breathtaking. Probably because she is one of the ONLY Christians in our work enviroment and she is in a leadership position so she shines. She is a dear lady.

A was talking to me today. She is sick and was telling me how much she misses us - the Solid Rock group. She is still in the process of leaving behind the cult in order to follow Christ.

Our brief conversation reminded me of that period that I went through after making my decision, too. It felt like for awhile, I talked to Kate and to other Christians ALL The time for a few weeks, but then all of a sudden, I felt sooo incredibly alone and cut-off. That point was when God allowed my decision to solidify. He gave me the chance to be alone, unable to hear Him, or my friends, or anyone, and to see what I am like without the securities of my involvements in everything, or the security of my friend's faith, or anything else really. I broke. And it was the best thing that could have happened. I do not ever want to feel that again. I don't ever want to be that alone. I know there are times, and I have had more than my share of them, when we are cut off and separated but the complete isolation from God and anyone who really knows Love, it hurts so incredibly much. And that was what made me desire Him.

By the way, I will have a few minutes at church when I get back to speak about Utah and everything so let me know what you want to hear and be praying for the right words to say. Some things are hard to adequately express.

It was a lazy day. I slept in. Tonight I work, but only four hours. Everyone is gone today for the most part. Very quiet. A bunch of the guys went to their company Christmas party, and a few of the girl's went up north - I think a couple of the guys joined them. We have had three move out completely - only one of which was for good reasons, and another few who have gone home or on adventures for Christmas break. This is the quiet part... I am sitting in the cafe, listening to Evanescence and whoever else Pandora decides to play and waiting for it to be time for work. Just thinking. I kind of like nights like this, as long as they aren't too often.

I don't always feel social or friendly or active or whatever it is that everyone else seems to have an abundance of. Tonight, I am feeling the quiet and the music. I finished some more of my Christmas shopping today thanks to Gabe. He went with me to Manti to get a few things for some close ones in Texas. I helped him pick out a gift for Braegan while we were at WalMart.

This time next week, I will be in Texas. I wish it were now. I would love to be sitting with my best friend and reading and listening to Evanescence and just quiet. It won't be quiet though, this time next week. I hear we are attending another ballroom dance on Saturday night - so all of my Texans better plan to attend. I need to go because there is someone that I need to meet.

Pray for L.

I love Chip. I was talking to him today about something that needed his "expert" advice on how to handle a situation. He is incredibly unafraid of getting into the mud and muck and dealing with the issues that arise. He mentioned that if the situation were to come to us to handle then we would recieve threats, accusations, and see many broken people. But he wasn't afraid of this possibility, infact, he said perhaps that is what God needs to have happen in order to work on this one. The verses from Hebrews about the Word being sharper than a two-edged sword and then in the Gospels about Christ not coming to bring peace but to divide son and father, daughter and mother and families came to mind. Actually, they have been on my mind pretty consistently lately.

We cannot ever be afraid to present the Gospel, to present TRUTH, to present Hope, because it will divide. Truth is made to divide. It is made to break down. Only in brokenness can healing come. The song "Beauty from Pain" - He will bring beauty from my pain. Not only mine, but that of so so many who have turned against what they have been taught and turned instead to Truth. On the flip side, we can't present Truth without love - Ephesians. Love must be central to all things and family cannot be defined by blood.

No one promised it would be easy. Anyone who thinks that walking with Him will fix all of our problems is blind. The problems just begin. The difference is that we have the answer... and it isn't 42.

"Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant and praise is becoming. The Lord builds up Jerusalem, He gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them. Great is our Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is infinite. The Lord supports the afflicted; He brings down the wicked to the ground. Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; sing praises to our God on the lyre, who covers the heavens with clouds, who provides rain for the earth, who makes grass to grow on the mountains. He gives to the beast its food, and to the young ravens which cry. He does not delight in the strenght of the horse; he does not take pleasure in the legs of a man. The Lord favors in those who fear Him, those who await His lovingkindness. Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem! Praise your God, O Zion! For He has strengthened the bars of your gates; He has blessed your sons within you. He makes peace in your borders; He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. He sends forth His command to the earth; His word runs very swiftlyHe gives snow like wool; He scatters frost like ashes. He casts forth His ice as fragments; who can stand before His cold? He sends forth His word and melts them; He causes His wind to blow and the waters to flow. He declares His words to Jacob, His statutes and His ordinances to Israel. he has not dealt thus with any nation; and as for His ordinances, they have not known them. Praise the Lord!" Psalm 147

My Father is so much bigger than I am. He is perfect. My Father is amazing. I know that is so simply stated, but it is truth and the simple truths often speak the loudest.

I have recently rediscovered Pandora - an online free radio music station that plays whatever band or genre you choose and allows you to adjust the selection to your liking; for the most part, anyway. I miss Kate's computer and ipod with an incredibly wide selection of music. She has some of the best stuff. I used to use her stuff all the time. I love to be surrounded by music, but here, the same things play over and over. And I only have a small selection of my Cd's, therefore, making my appetite for some variety slightly on the larger side. I miss having more variety and I really really miss having Christian radio that plays music and NOT crappy talk shows. But... I have once again decided to not dislike David Crowder. For awhile there, I thought I heard his voice more than anyone elses, but now that we have had a bit of a break, we are back together as friends again. Good to have him back.

Pray for my family and so many others. Lay-offs have started all over the country, as I am sure you know or may have already experienced. My dad got a "two-week lay off for a company shut down." But... they are not promising much and we are not entirely sure. Just pray. And while you are at it, please please pray for my sister, Lindsay. She is leaving tomorrow to head back to New York for more testing and stuff for her follow-up from the brain surgery and then all of the complications that she has had since. The poor kid... she has had so much more than her share. She really just wants to finish school up so she can graduate and go to college. I don't blame the kid one bit.

One of my friends when asked how he was doing, replied by saying that God was clothing him. - meaning that God is taking care of him and preparing him, both simultaneously. I completely understand that response, although at this current moment tonight after work and a trying spiritual day, I would say "drained" would be my response. But, I have experienced being "clothed" by God and can identify with the wonderous feeling of that peace.

He gave me incredible joy this morning. Ironically, as my heart was literally breaking as I watched A's world fall apart. Literally. The joy was because I KNOW with a 100 percent assurance that He is risen, He is King of Kings, Lord of Lords, my Alpha, Omega, and My Savior. There is no question in my mind about where I will be later on or if I am loved or if it will all be okay. I can go through anything now because He isn't going to let me go. I CANNOT wait for A and M and T to know that joy. The steadfastness of peace that comes when the tornado swirls around you and the lightening flashes and the debris flies around and the world turns completely black. I have had my world black. And I still could not escape the Light. How is that for joy?

Drained... so incredibly drained. But man... it is so sweet.